


Count to Ten

by spoffyumi



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Anal Play, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Coercion, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, French Kissing, Hand Jobs, M/M, Malec, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minor Character Death, Mutual Masturbation, Mysophobia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Sex Toys, Slow Burn, Therapy, Touch Aversion, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2018-11-19 02:41:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 74,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11304057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoffyumi/pseuds/spoffyumi
Summary: Alec's obsessive-compulsive disorder is under control... he believes, anyway, until a chance encounter with Magnus, a warlock, who immediately diagnoses him. Magnus wants to help, but instead of payment, he'd rather be friends. And instead of using magic, Magnus wants to try exposure therapy.  This unconventional arrangement seems to be working out, until Alec realizes that he may be developing feelings for Magnus.This is a Malec AU of the manga Ten Count but less non-con/dub-con. (I will add appropriate warnings if necessary when I get to those scenes.)(This is an alternate first-meeting, so the background action follows the books but Alec's relationship with Magnus is different).





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Can't you see I try  
> Swimming the same deep water as you is hard"  
> (The Cure - The Same Deep Water As You)

Alec Lightwood didn’t always have an aversion to touching. 

Being a Shadowhunter made it difficult to avoid the touching.  And it wasn't just the touching that bothered him, it was also the germs.  Dirt, blood, demon ichor – he came home from each mission desperately wanting a shower.  Then it was two showers, one to wash off all the gore, the second to actually get clean.  He would put his gear immediately into the wash, and soon he found he needed to discard it completely. 

Everything in this world was dirty, he had come to realize.  Telephone receivers, doorknobs, the air breathed by other people…

Now he wore gloves most of the time.  He found it hard to breathe when he left the Institute, or more specifically, his disinfected bedroom.  He became careful not to be injured whenever he went on a mission so that he wouldn’t have to feel even Jace’s touch as he drew a healing rune. 

Sometimes it was so hard to breathe. _Just because it’s hard to breathe_ , he told himself, _it doesn’t mean I’ll die from suffocation_.

***

“What the hell is _that_?”

Alec forced himself to continue walking into the weapons room.  Of course Jace would be here, grinding the edge of one of his many daggers.  Alec had only wanted to grab more arrows, since he had depleted his supply during last week’s bust of a vampire bar, but now this was going to turn into a Thing. 

“What’s what?” he asked, feigning innocence.  He hated talking through the white facemask; he felt like even his own respiration was dirty once exhaled. 

“That thing on your face.”  Jace set down his dagger and sauntered over to Alec, peered at him. 

Alec studiously avoided Jace’s gaze.  “The CDC is warning about an influenza pandemic.”

“And we would care about mundane plagues _why_?”

Swallowing, Alec dared to look at his _parabatai_.  “Downworlders might have plague too.  Mundane plagues that might have mutated into another form would affect us.  It’s possible.”

Jace looked like he had a snarky comment on the tip of his tongue, but bit it back and chewed on the inside of his cheek again.  “Clary’s right,” he said finally.

“Right about what?” Alec snapped, a little more sharply than he needed to.  Ever since Clary came around, Jace was all _Clary this, Clary that_.  It was supremely annoying.

“She says you’re obsessive compulsive,” Jace told him.

“What does that mean?” He’d never heard the term before. 

“There was another word we found online…”  Jace pulled out his phone and flipped through it.  _Great, Jace and Clary were researching him?_   Alec gritted his teeth, waiting to find out what mundane bullshit Clary had come up with.   Jace’s face lit up.  “Mysophobia.”

Alec had never heard that term either, but he knew Ancient Greek.  “She thinks I’m afraid of being dirty?”

“Basically, yeah.”

Under Jace’s scrutiny, the facemask and gloves and the clothing that covered every inch of skin aside from his face and neck suddenly felt more than claustrophobic.  He was boiling alive.  At least Jace couldn’t see the heat rising to his face.  He managed a weak laugh.  “That’s ridiculous—”

“Look at yourself,” Jace said with a sweep of his hand.  “You think I haven’t noticed the gloves?  The way you wash your hands until they’re cracked and bleeding?”

Inside their leather prison, Alec’s fingers curled into fists.  He could feel the sores.

“Alec, I’m your _parabatai_.”  Jace’s voice was gentle, but when he stepped toward Alec to put a hand on his shoulder, Alec stepped back.  That moment of separation crackled between them.  Alec wished he could have let Jace touch him.  He only would have touched Alec's clothes, after all.  _But then I would have needed to wash them_.  “You think I can’t tell there’s something bothering you?”

 _Only because Clary said it_ , Alec wanted to say.  But he couldn’t.  Instead, he turned on his heel and marched right out of the weapons room and headed toward the training room.  He had a sudden need to kick something.

He launched himself up the stairs, but then had second thoughts.  The training room was up in the attic, and was often dusty.  Just the thought made him feel contaminated.  He swerved into his bedroom and prepared to take his third shower of the day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "These slight surprises where your life might twist and turn  
> Hope to unlearn  
> Strange things will happen  
> If you let them come around and stick around"  
> (The Radio Dept. - Strange Things Will Happen)

A Downworlder party. 

 _Everything is contaminated_ , Alec thought, looking around at the brightly colored drinks, the smoke being exhaled into the air.  He wished he didn't have to breathe.  He couldn't wear the facemask when they were trying to blend in with the other party-goers.  Instead, he spent a lot of time with his glove-covered hand covering his face. 

 _All this because of Clary_ , he thought bitterly.  At least he and Jace had played that prank, pouring holy water into the gas tank of that vampire’s motorcycle; it had been like old times again.  Before Clary.

"Do you have mysophobia?"

That word again.  Alec's shoulders hunched up, and he turned to confront the owner of the silky male voice. 

Magnus Bane gazed back at him, nonplussed by Alec's irritation.  The warlock was wearing a brocade suit coat, perfectly tailored, as well as plenty of glitter and eyeliner.  He hadn't been pleased about the Nephilim crashing his party earlier, and Alec had been too busy trying to avoid touching anyone to really notice anything about the party's host.  Now, however, Magnus was assessing him with a strange expression on his face, so Alec felt free to glare back. 

"What do you know about it?" Alec demanded. 

"It seems like it's really bad," Magnus said lightly.  "You should probably go see a doctor about that."

Magnus started to saunter away, but Alec stepped into his path.  "How can you say that?" He had gotten loud, and a few vampires nearby gave him dirty looks and moved toward the bar.  He lowered his voice.  "When you don't even know me?"

Sipping slowly at his purple martini, Magnus gave him a long look.  The dim party lighting glinted off the rings adorning his fingers.  "There's blood seeping through your gloves.  Probably from washing your hands too much."  A quick look around, and Magnus added, "Bleeding in a room full of vampires and werewolves probably isn't a good idea."

Alec flashed a look toward the vampires who had gone.  The warlock was right.  He was surprised the Downworlders had shown so much control.  Then again, the blood couldn't be that obvious.  His gloves were made of leather.  Warlocks must be able to scent blood as well as vampires, then – something he would have to research later. 

"I'm fine," he said.  "My hands are fine.  I don't need to be cured." 

Even as he said the words, he was thinking about how he would have to throw these gloves away once he got home.  He couldn't wear something that had been stained with blood.

With a shrug, Magnus said, "I'm sure if you received treatment soon, you'd be--"

"None of this is your business!" Alec snapped.

Now people – not people, Downworlders – had really stopped talking and were staring at him.  Alec realized that he had just yelled at none other than the High Warlock of Brooklyn in the middle of room full of creatures that could kill him, and he didn't have his _parabatai_ or his sister or even Clary or her mundane friend Simon to help him. 

A trickle of sweat rolled down under the collar of his shirt.  Why had he been yelling, exactly?  If there was nothing wrong with him, if he didn't have mysophobia, then why was he getting upset at a perfect stranger?  Being the calm to Jace's hot-headedness was who Alec was.  Not this.  Not yelling at a party.

As the awkward silence stretched on, as Magnus calmly watched him with slightly raised eyebrows, Alec realized he was stuttering.  "I... I'm sorry – I just, um..."

"I have to go!" he finally blurted out, and forgetting his aversion to touch, shoved his way out of the room.

By the time he reached the hallway, his shirt was soaked through with sweat.  At least now he could breathe.  In the empty space, free of people, he bent over and gasped and sucked in the clean air.  _Not clean_ , his mind whispered.  _Cleaner_.  He needed to change his clothes – throw them away – take a shower – water boiling hot – scrub all the filth away.

"Alexander."

He heard his full name, and knew it wasn't Jace or Izzy calling him.  That velvety voice.  _Magnus_.

But he couldn't quite answer.  Didn't have the breath just yet.

"That is your name, yes?  Alexander Lightwood?"

Magnus's shoes came into view.  They were very nice shoes.  Italian leather, probably.  In all his dealings with Downworlders, Alec hadn't run into many warlocks, but Magnus was certainly the best-dressed.  Alec focused on those little details.  It helped stop his brain from shouting at him about germs and filth.

"I didn't offer before, because most Nephilim would turn their noses up at the offer... but I do know someone who could help you."

Slowly, slightly, Alec lifted his head.  "Who?"

He imagined the warlock might suggest a mundane doctor.  Shadowhunters didn't need mundane medicine, because they had healing runes for things like diseases.  Alec knew mysophobia wasn't a physical illness, though.  He would need - what was that mundane word?  A psychotherapist.  That would be even more shameful to his family.  He waited for Magnus's answer, grimacing. 

Magnus flashed a dazzling smile and spread his arms wide.  "Me."

"You're right," Alec said, standing up to his full height, which was an inch or so taller than Magnus.  "I'll find help someplace else."  Anything was better than accepting help from a warlock.   

He started to move past Magnus, but Magnus flung a hand out and said, "Wait." 

Alec stopped short – _dear God, he had almost touched him_.  More sweat was trickling down his neck.  His heart thudded in his chest.

"It's alright," Magnus said softly.  "I won't touch you."

Behind the heartbeats in Alec's ears, Magnus's words were barely audible. 

"It takes a lot of courage to admit you need help," Magnus continued. 

Alec was momentarily confused.  Had he admitted he needed help?  His own words rang in his ears: _I'll find help someplace else_.

"I hope you might reconsider my offer.  I would be willing to help you, free of charge."

Maybe it was Alec's state of mind, but nothing about this was making sense.  Would he then owe the warlock a favor?  Was it like making a deal with the fae, and he would find himself locked into some kind of Downworlder contract?

"Why?  Why would you do that?"

Magnus did not answer his question.  "That is my offer, take it or leave it.  If you do choose to take it... I will meet you at the café across the street tomorrow at two."  He paused a moment to consider.  "Yes, I should be awake by then."

"Magnus Bane!"  That was Jace's voice.  "We need to have a word with you."

Clary and Izzy flanked him.  "There you are, Alec!  We've been looking everywhere – hey, are you okay?"  Izzy reached for him, but Alec flinched away. 

"I'm fine.  Just trying to get some information out of him."  He indicated Magnus, who smiled at Alec's lie and winked.

"Okay, well if you're done flirting..."  Izzy put her hand on the handle of her whip and turned to face Magnus.

"Flirting?" Alec squeaked.  He hadn't told anyone of his feelings for Jace.  Why would Izzy assume he was flirting?  His panic settled when he noticed no one was paying attention to him except Magnus.  No one thought he was gay.  It was just Izzy's sense of humor.  Jace hadn't batted an eyelash over the comment.  The idea of Jace being jealous shot through his mind, and his cheeks reddened. _Stop it_ , he scolded himself. 

"Please, let's go where we have some privacy," Magnus said, and herded the Shadowhunters back into the party and to a back room.  Alec noticed, however, that Magnus did not touch him, and he found that he could breathe again.


	3. Chapter 3

 

The next day, Alec wasn't sure he could do it.  After showering and donning a clean black dress shirt and dark jeans, he had applied a few runes (deflect/block, so that no one would accidentally bump into him; protection, for the same but also to shield against germs; and quietude, to calm his mind), then rolled down his sleeves to cover his Marked arms.  He tugged on a new pair of gloves and commenced pacing.

Half of his mind told him he didn't need Magnus's offer of help.  He was fine.  This was simply the way he was.  So maybe he liked things clean.  Maybe he washed his hands more often than was normal.  It didn't mean there was something wrong with him.  The warlock clearly had some ulterior motive.  How could Alec possibly trust Magnus?  He didn't even know him.

The other half of his mind replayed all the moments after the party.  How Jace had gone off with Clary, and returned to the Institute hurt and covered in ichor and blood and dirt.  Hodge had yelled at both Jace and Clary, but Alec knew who was really responsible – Clary - and he had lost control.  When he realized he had physically grabbed her and slammed her up against the wall, he had been horrified at himself.  After escaping to his room, he'd practically torn the shirt from his body to get the germs away from him.  The whole time he stood in the shower, wincing from the water's temperature, he had thought it was the worst night of his life.  He had yelled at people.  He had touched Downworlders.  Everyone, even total strangers, could tell there was something wrong with him.  He would never be clean again.  And if his family found out that he was sick in his mind, he'd be shipped off to the Silent Brothers. 

Even now, his hesitation was more about walking around in the city than getting help from Magnus.  All those bodies, the smells...

If Magnus could help him, would that be so bad?  Even the Clave needed help from warlocks sometimes.  That was part of what they discovered last night: that Clary's mother had brought her to Magnus for help.  Clary's mother had been a Shadowhunter.  _Clary_.  Alec snarled at the thought of her.  If it wasn't for her, they wouldn't have gone to the Downworlder party in the first place.  Maybe then none of this would be a problem.

Alec stopped pacing and sighed.  He would need to leave now if he were to meet Magnus on time.  As much as he wanted to blame Clary, he knew all of this was his own fault.  He needed to get help.  He couldn't fulfill his duties as a _parabatai_ if he was sick.  It was better to keep his family and Shadowhunters out of it.  Magnus would help him take care of this little problem, and everything would be fine.

Slipping on his jacket and grabbing his messenger bag, he hurried out into the brisk fall air.

***

"How do you feel about restaurants?" Magnus asked, stirring an iced caramel macchiato.

Alec looked at the sweating iced coffee sitting before him.  He still hadn't touched the glass.  "I prefer to prepare my own food."  Condensation trickled down the sides of the glass and puddled on the table.  It reminded Alec of the sweat sliding down his sides.  "Shadowhunters don’t go out to eat very often."  Imagine, mundanes preparing his food. It didn’t seem to bother Jace or Izzy.  “And when we do, I usually don’t eat.”  Izzy always made fun of him for being on a diet.  But he wasn’t on a diet.

"I see," said Magnus. 

In the ensuing silence, Alec laced his fingers together, clasping them tightly and keeping them firmly between his legs.  He shouldn't have come here.  This was becoming a weird situation.  It was weird that Magnus, a warlock, claimed to be able to help Alec with some mental illness that only mundanes had heard of. 

Alec tore himself away from observing the filthiest of places in the café – the floor near the cashier, the overflowing trash can.  “Do you normally come to this café when you're _helping_ people?"  He would have used air quotes if he'd been able to unclench his hands.

"Sometimes," Magnus said with a little smile and tilt of his head.  Like he was joking.  Was this all a joke to him?

There were a lot more questions Alec wanted to ask Magnus.  Like, did Magnus do spells here, in a mundane café?  How many people like Alec had he helped?  And how exactly would Magnus help him?  Was there a spell that could cure mysophobia? 

“So, Alec… You seem to be aware of your diagnosis, so I have to ask: have you seen a therapist about this?”

Magnus wouldn't stop looking at him, so Alec kept his gaze on the puddle on the table.  "No."

"Have you tried to cure it yourself?"

Alec glanced up.  Yes, Magnus was still looking at him like he was the only person in the café.  He flushed a little. 

"I, well, I mean – I never thought it was a problem, so... no.  Well… once, I thought I might be able to find a book, a..." he forced the words out, "a self-help book, in a mundane library.  But I couldn't bring myself to pick one up off the shelf.  I couldn't stand thinking that someone else had touched it."  That was only last week, after his conversation with Jace, when Alec learned there might be a name for the way he was.  "I wasn't even sure what I was looking for, anyway," he said quickly.  "It was a stupid idea."  He didn't mention that after the library, he had gone to a bookstore, thinking those books might be more clean.  But he still couldn't bring himself to touch them.

"I see," Magnus said again.  Alec suddenly realized Magnus had a small notebook out on the table and was writing in it.  "Are there other things you are reluctant to do?"

Was this what psychotherapists did?  Alec looked out the window.  "There are a lot," he admitted.  “If it's for a mission, I can do it.  That's my job, I have to do it.  And Jace, he understands, sort of."  Since that moment when Jace confronted him in the weapons room, Alec had noticed a difference in the way Jace behaved around him.  He no longer offered to draw runes on Alec's skin, and made sure not to touch Alec unnecessarily.

Magnus scribbled in illegible handwriting.  "When did you become aware of your... problem?"

The café was so empty at this hour that Alec could hear the clink of the ice in his coffee melting.  "Uh, I don't remember.  Until last week I didn’t have a name for it.  It was just… who I was."

"Do you have any idea what caused it?"

Alec paused, then finally said, "No."

Thankfully, with the writing, Magnus was less scrutinizing.  Alec swallowed, waiting for Magnus's diagnosis.

"Alexander," said Magnus, "do you have a notebook with you?"

He hesitated, then unfolded a napkin on a part of the table where the iced coffee hadn't melted everywhere.  Alec opened up his messenger bag and pulled out his notebook.  This was only his most recent notebook.  During his classes at the Institute, he found that the notes he took were too sloppy, and he had to rewrite them until they were neat and perfect, with no smudges or fingerprints on the pages. 

He set his notebook on top of the napkin.

"Now," Magnus said, "I want you to make a list.  Ten things you don’t want to do, because of your fears.  One would be the easiest, and ten the hardest."  As Alec carefully wrote down the numbers, Magnus continued.  "Ten would be something you consider impossible, at this moment.”

Alec paused, thinking about what he would put down for number ten.  That one he knew immediately.  The rest… His pen hovered over the space beside number one, because he couldn’t fill in number ten first. 

"If you’re having trouble coming up with something specific, I can get you started,” Magnus said.

“Okay…”

“How about touching the door handle at this café with your bare hand?  Do you think you could do that, if you tried?”

With his _bare hand_?  Fighting the urge to look at exactly how dirty the doorknob behind him was, Alec said, "Maybe if I rubbed it with disinfectant first..." 

Magnus shook his head.  “No, just your bare hand on the door handle.”

“That could be, like, number eight.”

"Put that as number one," Magnus instructed.  "I believe you can do it."

And Alec did, only because he couldn't think of anything easier than that. 

Alec's grip on his pen tightened.  His mind felt simultaneously blank and full at the same time.  He couldn't imagine being able to come up with nine more items for the list, not before Magnus would become bored and regret offering his help.  And yet, almost everything could be on the list.

"Take your time," Magnus said softly, and sat back.  "I'll just enjoy the view."

 _The view?_   Alec glanced out at the street.  Dirty mundanes, exhaust, garbage...?  He glanced at Magnus, who was sitting back in his seat, and watched Alec with his straw between his teeth.  Magnus apparently didn't have anywhere to be, then.  Alec looked back down at the nearly blank page. 

***

"Are you done?"

Alec had been staring at the blank space beside number ten for several minutes.  Long enough to realize that Magnus's empty glass stood beside his own full one. 

"Ummm..."  The blank space taunted him.

"Can I see what you have?"

With a sigh of frustration, Alec turned his notebook so Magnus could read his tight, perfect printing. 

  1. Touch the doorknob of this café
  2. Let other people touch my things
  3. Buy a book at a bookstore
  4. Take the subway
  5. Eat at a restaurant
  6. Shake hands bare-handed
  7. Touch others' belongings without sanitation
  8. Drink after someone else
  9. Let someone else into my room



The way Magnus was so closely reading what he had written made Alec want to squirm.  The sweat started again.  The thoughts began: _This was a terrible idea.  He thinks you’re crazy.  He’ll be upset you didn’t finish the list.  It took you an hour to write nine things.  An hour._  

Amazingly, Magnus had not actually touched Alec’s notebook…. Like he knew Alec didn’t want anyone contaminating his things.  Well, it was number two on the list.

“You left number ten blank,” Magnus noted, leaning forward across the table. 

Alec lowered his gaze down to his failure of a list. 

“That’s okay.” 

He looked up in surprise.  Magnus… wasn’t mad?

“We’ll figure it out later,” Magnus said.  He straightened up and smiled at Alec.  “So, now we’re going to practice doing everything on this list.”

“What?” All the air escaped from Alec’s chest in a rush.  He couldn’t breathe.  Good thing he hadn’t written down number ten.  He couldn’t even imagine… 

Magnus watched him.  Watched the sweat that was beading on Alec’s forehead. “It’s called exposure therapy. Have you heard of it?”

Alec mutely shook his head.

“When you are able to complete your mysterious number ten,” Magnus said, his gaze steady.  Those cat eyes were hypnotizing.  “Then you’ll be cured.”

A lump was taking up the space in Alec’s throat.  He couldn’t tell Magnus what he would have written for number ten.  Just the thought of number ten made him feel like he couldn’t breathe.  But… cured?  The thought of all that could mean – being cured – that would mean –

“Magnus,” he said.  Through the lump in his throat, his words sounded froggy.  He tried to clear his throat.

“Yes?”

“Why… would you do this for someone you just met?”  Alec lifted his eyes to look at Magnus.  He had been trained in body language to tell if someone was lying, since Shadowhunters were often involved in initial interrogations.  Of course, warlocks like Magnus had lived for centuries, had learned how to lie so well that Alec, a seventeen-year-old, wouldn’t be able to tell what was the truth.

There was a twinkle in Magnus’s eyes, the beginnings of a smile on his lips.  “Would you believe me if I said there was no reason?”

“There has to be a reason,” Alec protested.

Magnus emitted a breathy laugh.  “I’ll tell you my reason,” Magnus said, “when you fill in number ten.”


	4. Chapter 4

“You haven’t asked me what my qualifications are,” Magnus said.  “Oh, before I forget,” Magnus said, reaching into the pocket of his jacket.  He pulled out a business card and slid it across the table.  Alec leaned forward to peer at the card.  The card itself was an inconspicuous shade of off-white, while the swirling font was printed in an iridescent midnight blue.  “My address and contact info.  I assume Shadowhunters have cell phones?”

“Uh, yeah,” Alec said.

“Anyway, I do have a deep understanding of the human psyche.  At least, that’s what Freud always said.”

“Who’s Freud?”

“It doesn’t matter.  He wasn’t very good in bed.”

Alec narrowed his eyes, wondering how the conversation had taken this turn.  “Why are you telling me this?”

“I’d like to be friends, Alexander.”  Magnus was giving him that serious, unwavering look again. 

A laugh bubbled up in Alec’s throat until he couldn’t hold it in anymore.  “Well, that isn’t suspicious at all!  A Downworlder wanting to be friends with a Shadowhunter?”  At the grim expression on Magnus’s face, Alec’s laugher died down.  “That doesn’t happen very often.  No offense.”

Alec couldn’t tell from Magnus’s expression whether the warlock was offended or not.  The laughter died, and he coughed to cover it up.  “I mean, it’s the first time it’s ever happened to _me_.  Most Downworlders hate me on sight.”  It didn’t help that his father had been in Valentine’s Circle.  As head of the New York Institute, Robert Lightwood was still in charge of keeping the Downworlders in check.   

“I would like to be your friend, Alexander,” Magnus said very seriously.

“Okay, well, my friends call me Alec.” 

“I like your full name,” Magnus said, finally showing a smile.  “It suits you.”

“Oh.”  For the umpteenth time, Alec felt his face flush.  “Well, um, thank you.  I guess… Should I call you Mr. Bane, or…Dr. Bane?”

“As much as I would enjoy that, please: call me Magnus.”

Alec swallowed.  Imagine if his father saw him here, with a Downworlder.  Calling him by his first name like they were familiar.  Friends.  His whole body started to feel itchy.  Twisting his gloved hands together, he found himself starting to babble.  “Okay, yeah, this won’t be a problem at all.  I always feel like a freak, and you’re, well, a warlock, so yeah.  Let’s be friends.”

For a long moment, Alec worried that he had offended Magnus with the “freak/warlock” comparison.  But he had also called himself a freak.  He also wasn’t the one with his nails painted a glittery purple.  He waited, trying to read the expression on Magnus’s face. 

Finally Magnus straightened up and looked around.  “Okay, then, let’s get started.”

“Huh?”  Alec was still so hung up on his last bit of word vomit that he thought Magnus meant to get started being friends.  _Are we going to make friendship bracelets or something?_

“Your list.  Number one.”

 _Touch the doorhandle of this café._   The horror of what was to come made Alec break out into a sweat once more. 

“There aren’t many people here,” Magnus said, gesturing around.  Only one woman at the laptop bar along the front window, facing the street.  “So there aren’t a lot of people to care if you stand at the door for a long time, right?”

Alec did was he’d been wanting to do ever since Magnus had suggested that action as the first on his list.  He turned and looked at the doorknob.  It wasn’t a doorknob, exactly, but a handle to pull, brass.  He would be able to see all the spots worn from use, and all the smudges of fingerprints on the metal.

“Um… can I disinfect…”  Alec reached into his bag for one of the disinfecting wipes he carried with him everywhere. 

“No,” Magnus said before Alec could even show him.

Alec’s shoulders sank.  He looked at his hands, still encased in gloves.  “With my bare hands,” he said glumly, knowing this was what he had just signed on for.  Being friends with a Downworlder who was going to force him to touch dirty things.

Magnus nodded.  “That’s right.”

Pushing his fists into his thighs, Alec tried to imagine peeling off those gloves.  If he did this, he was one step closer to being cured.  Still, he couldn’t imagine it.  Touching that thing with his bare hands.  “Um, maybe I’ll think about it…”

“I’ll go pay the bill.” Magnus’s voice was loud enough to startle him, and Magnus stood as if to punctuate that word.  “And I’ll take a good, long time, and while I’m doing that, you can leave.”

There was no way to argue, because Magnus was already striding toward the cashier.  “Wait,” Alec tried to say, but it barely came out as a whisper.  He looked down at his hands and, his breath shaking, peeled the gloves away.  His bare hands were raw and scaly.  Hideous.  And the open sores meant that touching would be even more dangerous. 

Feeling like he was floating outside of his body, Alec stood and approached the door.  In the distance, he heard Magnus chatting up the woman at the counter. 

All he could see were the smudges and chipped paint. 

 _It's okay_ , he told himself, even though he didn’t quite believe it.  _It’s not dirty.  You’re only going to touch it for a second.  Just yank the door open and then it’ll be over, and you can wash your hands._

He lifted his hand toward the handle.  _It’s not dirty._   In fact, his own hand looked dirtier than the handle, the way it was so red _.  Just do it.  It’s just a door handle.  One down, nine more until you’re cured.  Just do it._

His hand hovered at the handle. 

 _On the count of three.  One… two…_ Taking a deep breath and squeezing his eyes shut, he snatched at the handle and flung the door open, then ran outside. 

For long seconds he braced himself with his hands on his knees, gasping for air.  He could run for miles and jump across buildings without losing his breath, and opening a door did this to him?  _You don’t deserve to be a Shadowhunter.  Good thing you’re friends with a Downworlder now._

“Nicely done!” said Magnus behind him. 

“Everyone in there was looking at me,” Alec moaned.  “They all think I’m a freak.”

“No one was looking at you.  Except me.”  Magnus flashed him a smile.  “You did great, really.”

Alec flushed a little.  That compliment meant a lot to him, for some reason.  Just as quickly, though, Alec was reaching inside his bag for the wipes.

“I can’t let you wash your hands,” Magnus said, and Alec stopped. 

“Why not?” Alec demanded.  “I just touched that… that… germ-infested thing!  I have to wash them or I’ll get sick!”

“It’s part of the treatment.” 

Alec opened his mouth to argue some more, then realized he was standing on the street without a glamour rune.  All the mundanes could see him, and hear him.  He needed to get himself back in control. 

“Washing your hands is what’s called an escape response.  You do it because it makes you feel in control of your fears.  So, as part of the treatment, I’m going to ask you to avoid washing your hands as much as possible.”

“But…”  Alec stared at his bare, contaminated flesh. 

“They aren’t really dirty,” Magnus said.  “You don’t need to wash them.”

“Can I put the gloves back on?” Alec’s voice was strained.

“Yes.  But try not to do that as much, too.”

But Alec hesitated to put his gloves back on.  His dirty hands would make his gloves dirty, too.  _I’ll throw these ones out when I get back._

“So, shall we meet here next week, same time, same place?” 

Alec clenched his teeth together.  Magnus sure sounded chipper.  Why wouldn’t he?  He hadn’t been forced to confront his fears.  He’d just had a nice coffee and made a new friend.  Alec grunted, “Yeah, okay.”

“Great!  See you then!”   With a wave, Magnus strolled off.

The whole walk home, Alec thought about how he still had germs on his hands.  How those germs might get into the sores.  The germs could make him sick, and then he’d need a healing rune.  Jace’s stele, which had rubbed all over Jace’s skin, would touch _his_ skin. 

He remembered Magnus’s words: _They aren’t really dirty.  You don’t need to wash them._

Repeating those words to himself like a mantra, he avoided the homeless people shuffling down the street and the throngs of students and tourists.  He wouldn’t get sick from touching a doorknob just one time. 

Back at the Institute, Alec made his way back up to his room.  Once the door was shut behind him, all the tension in his body shuddered out.  “I did it,” he whispered.  He had touched a door handle and hadn’t washed his hands.  It hadn’t been as terrible as he’d thought it would be.

Maybe being friends with a Downworlder wouldn’t be so bad.

He opened up his bag and pulled out his notebook.  Something fell as he did so, and he bent over to pick up the business card.  Magnus’s business card.  He had put something with germs all over it in with his things. 

For a moment the breath stuck in his throat, before he could tell himself that it was okay, there couldn’t be that many germs on such a small bit of paper.  All he had to do was put Magnus’s number in his cell phone and he could throw the card away. 

He was doing just that when the screen on his phone suddenly changed.  “No,” Alec said, trying to figure out what he’d done.  “End.  End call.  End!”  The phone screen was not responding to his gloved fingers, even though his gloves usually worked on the touch screen. 

“Hello?”

Alec stared at the screen for a long moment, long enough for Magnus to ask again, “Hello?” before he put the phone up near his face.

“Uh, it’s Alec.  Lightwood,” he said.

When Magnus answered, he could hear the smile in his voice.  “Ah.  I did not expect to hear from you so soon.”

“I was just trying to save your number and I pressed the wrong button.  Sorry.”  He tried to imagine how Magnus might feel, thinking his friend had called him and then to discover it was just a mistake.  So Alec said, “Not that I didn’t want to call you.  I mean, to thank you for today.  I really think this is going to work.  It was hard, all I wanted was to get home and wash my hands.  But now… I’m home and I don’t feel like I have to.  So… thank you, Magnus.”

“I’m flattered, Alexander, but you did all the hard work today.  You are… incredible.”

Heat rushed to Alec’s face.  _Incredible?_   He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had told him he was incredible.  Maybe when he was twelve and had shown some skill with the bow.  But even then his father hadn’t used that word.  “Good job” from Robert Lightwood was high praise.  And Jace usually expressed his admiration for Alec’s skills as a compliment to himself.  “We were an amazing team today, weren’t we?”  That had always made Alec blush a little, happy that Jace had noticed him in some way. 

This was… different.  And yet he felt the same as he often felt around Jace, ever since he realized –

The need to wash his hands itched through his gloves.

“Thank you,” Alec said quickly.  “Uh, so I’ll see you next week?”

“Yes.  Yes you will.”

“Great, okay.  Bye!” Alec mashed his thumb into the red END button. 

Soap.  Hot water.  Now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And I'll use you as a focal point  
> So I don't lose sight of what I want  
> And I've moved further than I thought I could"  
> (Amber Run - I Found)

“Alec, wait up!”

Alec felt that familiar fluttering in his chest as he turned to wait for Jace.  With all the drama around Clary, they hadn’t spent much time together.  Jace had even gone on a picnic with her.  Gross.  Plus it confirmed what Alec pretty much already knew: Jace was straight. 

Still, Alec held out a little hope that Jace was bi, and that he wanted Alec for some important reason that had absolutely nothing to do with Clary Fray.

As Jace loped up the stairs, Alec noticed the object in his hands and froze.

His stele. 

Jace had wrapped the handle in a cloth napkin, which made Alec furrow his brow. 

“Hey,” Jace said, a little breathlessly.  “You forgot this in the weapons room.”

Alec stared at his stele in Jace’s hand. 

“I didn’t touch it, see?” Jace indicated the napkin.  “So no germs.”

Alec tried to thank him, but his throat strangled the words. 

***

“You’re late,” Magnus commented when Alec arrived at the café fifteen minutes past the hour. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” Alec said.  He noticed that Magnus had not ordered Alec a drink this time.  _Good_ , he thought.  He settled himself into his seat and it wasn’t until he had gotten himself as comfortable as he could get in this disgusting place that he noticed Magnus watching him.

Last week, Magnus had been dressed normally (glitter nail polish aside) and Alec had thought the outfit Magnus had worn at the party had been something special.  But this week Magnus wore a black silk shirt and a red velvet blazer and had teased his hair up into a sort of bouffant, and the eyeliner was back.  Alec couldn’t help but notice those eyes…

“Uh, I’m sorry,” he said again.  His heartbeat thumped.  Nervous about continuing his treatment, he supposed. 

“I understand.  But maybe you’d like to talk about why you’re late?  You don’t seem the type.”

Alec didn’t especially want to talk about it.  “The type?”

“Reserved.  Controlled.  Controlling.  You follow rules to the letter.”  Magnus raised his eyebrows.  “Does that sound like you?”

“I’m not controlling,” Alec said, even as he remembered how many times he had repeated the Covanent to Jace in the past week.  The Law is hard, but it is the Law. 

“But you prefer to be punctual.”

“Look, it won’t happen again,” Alec said.  “It was just… Jace found my stele and handed it to me.”

“And you don’t like for other people to touch your things,” Magnus said.

“The thing is, he had carried it up to me in a napkin, because he knew I wouldn’t want him to touch it.”

“Ah.”  Nodding, Magnus said, “But you still had to sanitize it.”

Alec’s shoulders slumped.  “Yeah.  It’s like, I know he was trying hard to help me, but…”

He was still so torn about the incident.  Jace cared about him enough to do that, when Jace had never been known for his kindness or sensitivity.  Of course, Jace was his _parabatai_ , so maybe it didn’t mean what Alec thought it had meant. 

“Try not to feel too guilty.  We’re still at the very beginning of treatment, so there will be setbacks.  It’s wonderful that your friend is being careful around you.  My impression of Jace was that he’s rather reckless.  Let’s have a look at your list again, shall we?”

Alec had memorized his list by now, but he still sighed in defeat when he looked at #2: Let other people touch my things.  “I think I already failed this one,” he said.

“I know you would probably prefer to go in order, but given the circumstances, perhaps we should skip to number 3.  This list is highly subjective.  You may have thought it would be easier to let other people touch something of yours than it is.  It is rather personal.  Maybe it’s easier to buy a book at a bookstore.”

Uncapping his pen, Alec bent over his notebook to rewrite the list.

“It isn’t necessary,” Magnus started to say.

“I need it to be in order,” Alec said stiffly.

“While you’re rewriting the list, then, perhaps you would like to fill in number ten.”  Magnus took a long, loud sip of his iced cinnamon dolce latte.

Alec froze.

“Or not,” Magnus said.

With a frown, Alec continued re-writing the list.  Magnus may have said he wanted to be friends last time, but he had also said he would tell Alec the real reason he was going to all this trouble when Alec revealed number ten.  Which meant Magnus had an ulterior motive.  He didn’t want to be just friends. 

_What did Magnus want?_

***

When they entered the bookstore, Alec started feeling overwhelmed, dizzy with the thought of what he would need to do.  Even though the books were new, mundanes still had to pack the books into boxes, and unpack them onto the shelves here.  And other mundanes were browsing, picking up books from the stacks and reading the backs, flipping through the pages with their grubby hands.  Alec kept his own hands clasped together; Magnus had made him strip the gloves off before entering.

“Are you looking for anything in particular?” Magnus asked, leading the way through the small store.  This was an independent bookstore, tight and crowded. 

“I don’t normally read…”  He couldn’t finish the sentence the way he wanted to.

“No?  You strike me as a very intelligent person.”

Cheeks burning ( _he thinks I’m intelligent?_ ), Alec corrected himself.  “I read.  Just not…”  He waved toward the mundane literature.

Magnus’s face scrunched up.  “Really?  Ugh.  You people are so hung up on yourselves.  I don’t want to play the race card, but…”  He shrugged one shoulder and gave Alec a look that said he was definitely playing the race card.

“It’s not about race.  We read ancient texts.  There’s a huge library of Shadow—" Alec glanced at the mundanes swarming around him.  "The Institute has a huge library, and we’re expected to know all this arcane literature.  You might have had centuries—I mean,” Alec glanced at a mousy-looking girl in a cardigan who had wandered into their aisle, “It would take centuries for me to learn everything someone like you already knows.”

“Are you calling me old?” Magnus held a hand to his chest as if he was offended.

“No, no, of course not…”

“This seems like a good place to find some light reading,” Magnus said, stopping.

“Romance novels?” Alec groaned. 

“I mostly like looking at the covers."  It was, essentially, a wall of bare male torsos.  Brushing his ringed fingers over the rippling abs on one cover model, Magnus made a low sound of appreciation.  "But sometimes the writing is good, too."

"Riiiight." 

"Personally, I enjoy a good shapeshifter romance."

Alec winced.  "Like werewolves?"

"Oh, there's quite a variety.  Bears, lions, jaguars, dragons..."

"Dragons? Yikes."

"Mostly I have a thing for tattoos," Magnus said, giving Alec a sideways smile.

"Are these all..." Alec struggled for the right word.  "You know, girls and guys?"

"You're looking for more variety?"  Magnus scanned the shelves.  "How about this one?"

The cover had not one, but two male torsos, amid an orange haze.  The bold lettering declared the title _Fire Drill_. 

"I've actually read this one.  It's quite... steamy."

Alec rolled his eyes at the pun. 

"The title is very literal." 

Now Alec felt his chest tightening.  "I'm not sure..." He coughed.  "I don't think firefighters are my thing."

"No?"

Magnus pointed out another book, this one featuring a man with an open shirt and a top hat.  "This one's a bit cheesy, but it has warlocks."

Now Alec couldn't breathe.  He could feel Magnus staring at him.  What the hell was Magnus doing? 

"Well, it's up to you.  Just pick one out and we'll be on our way." 

The reminder made his chest tighten further.  He tugged at the collar of his long-sleeve t-shirt, even though the shirt wasn't what was making it hard to breathe.  "For a second there I forgot why we were here," Alec said.  "You're really easy to talk to, Magnus."

"I like to think so."

"I guess I just never thought I'd be having a regular conversation with a – you know."

Magnus made some kind of noncommittal sound.  "Well." 

Focusing his attention on the books, Alec started to prepare himself for what he was about to do.  Take a book, any book, and hurry to the cashier.  Pay for the book.  Try not to panic as the cashier touches the book to scan it and put it in a bag.  Take the bag, which will also be contaminated.  Attempt to maintain a leisurely walk out the door, where he would promptly deposit the bag and book into the trash.

"You look like you're going to shoplift," Magnus commented.

Alec looked down at his grabby fingers, forced them to relax.  "I don't know if I can do this."

"Try taking a book from the back of the stack.  I do that too, sometimes.  You know how people are, reading in the aisles." 

It made Alec feel a little better that Magnus did the same thing.  "Okay."

"Which book are you going to pick?" Magnus prompted.  Why was he smiling like that?  "Are you into dragons?  Shapeshifters?  Or warlocks?"

"Why do I have to be into anything?"

"Everyone is into something.  I'm just trying to figure you out, Alexander." 

He could feel Magnus's penetrating gaze.  "Maybe I should try to figure you out," he snapped.  He snatched a book off the shelf and thrust it at him. "Are you into mermen?"

Magnus had no choice but to take the book from Alec's hands.  There was the briefest moment where their fingers touched, and Alec jerked his hands away.  "I – I –"

"Mermen _are_ pretty," Magnus said.  "But innately stupid, unfortunately."

"I – I –"  No other sounds would come out of his throat.  He couldn't breathe.

"See how easy that was?" Magnus said.

" _Easy?_ That wasn't easy.  That was me not thinking!" Alec wheezed.

"Breathe, Alexander.  You will live.  Come, I think we've done enough for today."


	6. Chapter 6

"Why are you so upset?  Two down, eight to go!  You’re doing great!"

Alec's long legs had carried him far ahead of Magnus.  He called back over his shoulder.  "You tricked me!"

"I did no such thing."

"You used your magic and made me do it.”  It wasn’t true, but he said it anyway.  “I was – out of control!  I need to be in control.  You should have given me a chance to pick up a book without distracting me like that!"

"Alexander, please.  Slow down.  Talk to me."

Reluctantly, Alec made himself stop, but only once he'd gotten to a place where there were no mundanes, the entrance of a wide alley filled with dumpsters.  _The air here is probably contaminated_ , he thought, looking around with distaste.

"Regardless of how much control you had, you _are_ still making progress," Magnus said, once he'd caught up. 

Alec rubbed his chest, which still felt tight.  He could still feel that tiny bit of skin where he had accidentally touched Magnus.  It tingled.  Not a bad tingle, although if there was a sink and some soap he would have washed his hands. 

“You were amazing back there,” Magnus continued.  “Last week you were sweating about touching a door handle.  This week you were joking around and did the thing you were so afraid of without even thinking about it.”

“I guess.”  Even though Alec couldn’t quite bring himself to smile, he felt the compliment burning inside him.  _Amazing.  Magnus thinks I’m amazing_.  “I felt almost… normal.”

“Here.”  Magnus held out a plastic bag, big enough to hold a small paperback romance novel.  “You can put your gloves on now, if you want.  But you should keep this.”

The smile crept across his face as he tugged on his gloves.  “I don’t know if I’m into mermen.”

But later, in his room, when Alec removed the book, he discovered it was the one about warlocks.

***

“What the hell are you reading?” Izzy asked the following morning as she rooted around in the cabinets for something to eat. 

Why _was_ he even reading this book?  He slammed the book shut and shoved it under the table. “Nothing.”

She turned then, and smirked at him.  “Nothing?”

“Really, it’s nothing.  Just a stupid book.”

Slowly, like a leopard approaching her prey, Izzy made her way around the counter to where Alec was perched on a sanitized square of countertop.  She went right up to him, so close she was practically touching him.  “A stupid book, huh?”

He knew she was going to grab for it before she did.  He slid the book out of her reach, but her full-frontal attack forced him off the stool and he staggered, dropping the book.  While he reeled from the assault, she darted around him and snagged the book off the floor, laughing. 

Back when they were kids they used to roughhouse like this.  Not recently.  He couldn’t remember the last time he had even hugged Izzy.  The Lightwoods weren’t exactly an affectionate family. 

“Big brother,” Izzy crooned.  “ _Dark Magic_?  Sounds intriguing…”  She cracked the book open to some place in the middle.

Oh god, her hands were all over it.  It had been bad enough thinking that some mundane had touched it.  Now Izzy, too?  And before showering, by the looks of the silky shorts and tank top she wore.  Well, he was wearing his gloves, he supposed it would be alright.  And since he was wearing his usual buttoned-up clothes, she hadn’t actually managed to touch his skin.  He took a deep breath.

“It’s nothing,” he said again.

“Oh, Alec.”  She tossed the book onto the counter.  On the non-sanitized area.  “You know I know you’re gay, right?”

He didn’t quite know what to say to that. 

“Look, I haven’t told anybody or anything, but come on!  You check out Jace’s ass every time he turns around.  And ever since Clary got here you’ve been like…” Izzy made a scowly face. 

He didn’t know what to say to that either.

“Look, I get it.  But you know Jace is straight.  Straighter than straight.  And he likes Clary.  So you need to move on.”  Izzy gestured to the book.  “I mean, Magnus is pretty hot.  You should totally go for him.”

Now Alec couldn’t help the words that came with the air rushing out of his lungs.  “What?”

“Come on, you were totally flirting with him at the party.  And, hello?” Izzy picked up the warlock romance and waved it around.  Alec’s cheeks burned.  “Well, who have you been dating then?  I know you’ve been seeing someone.  You get all nervous before you go, all secret and not telling anyone.  Don’t tell me those aren’t dates.”

A familiar set of footfalls entered the dining room, and Jace said, “What’s up?”

Alec snatched up the book and shoved it behind his back.  “Oh, hey Jace,” he said in his most controlled, normal voice.

“Heeey, Jaaace,” said Izzy, in a voice that was anything but normal.

“Are you guys talking about me?”  Jace had that brooding look on his face.

“Of course not,” Alec said.

“Really?” Jace actually sounded surprised.  But then he shrugged and grabbed some cereal from the cupboard.  “Good.  Simon didn’t say anything.”

Izzy perked up.  “Simon?  What would Simon say?”

“Well, he caught me and Clary… you know…”

_Having sex?_ Alec’s brain whispered hoarsely, as Izzy said out loud, “Having _sex_?”

“No!” Jace said.  “Kissing.  He freaked out a little bit.  He’s been in love with her for ten years or whatever.”  Jace shook his head.

“You kissed her?” Alec asked, and Izzy gave him a sympathetic look.  “Uh, cool, yeah, I have to go take a shower.”

“Really?” Jace asked, dumping cereal into a bowl without even looking.  The corn flakes spilled over the edges and Jace absently picked them up off the counter and ate them.  “You look like you just showered.  Your hair’s still wet.”

“Yeah, well…”

“I thought you were doing better.  I bumped into you last night and you didn’t even flinch.”

“Doing better than what?” Izzy demanded.

Jace waved a hand.  “You know, with his obsessive compulsive disease.”

“His what?”

“Clary told me about it.  It’s why Alec washes his hands so much.”

“Yes, but what is it?”

“I don’t know, ask Clary.”

Listening to this whole exchange, Alec felt ready to explode, and finally he did.  “I’m standing right here,” he snapped.

“Then _you_ explain it.”  Jace shoved a loaded spoonful of cereal in his mouth as if to prove that he couldn’t do the explaining.

Alec sighed.  He didn’t want to talk about it.  He liked that with Magnus, it was more about doing than talking, even though he liked talking to Magnus.  It was nice not to talk about Shadowhunter stuff constantly.  “I don’t have time right now,” he said, feeling like a complete coward.  “I have to take a shower before I meet Magnus later.”

“Meet Magnus?  Why?” Jace demanded, despite his full mouth.

“I can’t believe you have a disease and you didn’t tell me about it.”  Izzy went to punch him in the arm and he jumped back out of her reach.  “I’m assuming you haven’t told our parents.  Wait – so you _have_ been going on dates with Magnus?”

“They’re not dates!” Alec hissed.  “It’s therapy.”

That word knocked all the joking off Izzy’s face.  “Therapy?  Like, mundane therapy?  Why?  Doesn’t Magnus know a spell or something that can fix it?”

“It… isn’t like that.  Spells and runes don’t work on this kind of thing.”  Alec chewed the inside of his cheek.  He couldn’t bear to look at his sister, to see the shame that she must surely feel.  So he turned and went up to his room and took another shower, hating himself the whole time.


	7. Chapter 7

“Can’t we just portal there?” Alec asked, staring down at the yawning black hole that led into the New York City subway system.

“We could,” Magnus said.  “But it would be highly conspicuous.  Plus, we’ll be killing two birds with one stone.  Number 4 and 5 on your list.”

Absently, Alec rubbed his chest.  His heart had been thumping hard ever since this morning.  He just couldn’t seem to calm down.  Last night his mind wouldn’t seem to shut off; he’d had so much to think about with the incident at the bookstore and then Magnus asking him out to dinner.  _A nice restaurant_ , Magnus had said.  _Highest markings from the Board of Health.  Super clean_. 

The subway, however, was the exact opposite.  But what were the alternatives?  A cab – gross, an Uber – that could go either way, but most likely gross, a bus – forget it.  Alec forced himself to take a deep breath and tried to distract himself by looking at Magnus.

Magnus was dressed more conservatively than the last couple of times they had met, a charcoal suit jacket, a crisp white shirt, and black slacks.  Everything was perfectly tailored and looked expensive.  The relatively plain outfit only made the silver cuff Magnus wore on his right ear all the more noticeable.  Alec had never really considered the ear as anything remotely…

He clenched his gloved hands and looked back to the subway entrance.

“Let’s just go.”

“Fantastic.”

Getting to the platform wasn’t bad, because Magnus had a subway pass and scanned it for both of them.  The gate slide open, and Alec didn’t even have to push through a turnstile like he remembered from years ago.  When _was_ the last time he’d been on the subway?  His parents preferred to take a private car if they had to go anywhere, which they didn’t very often.  The Institute was big enough that one rarely needed to leave. 

And waiting on the platform wasn’t bad either, because it was still early and not crowded.  It wasn’t until the train pulled up and they stepped on board that Alec started to feel like he had made a terrible mistake.

“You should probably hold on,” Magnus said, indicating the silver pole he himself was currently holding.  “Or sit down.  There are plenty of seats.”

He couldn’t breathe.  He blinked stupidly at the empty seats around him.  On one side of the subway car, a woman dressed in layers of filthy clothing sat surrounded by a rolling cart and several shopping bags, all filled with newspapers and empty cans.  As he watched, she began to cough – deep, phlegmy coughs, and she wasn’t covering her mouth, either.

“I can’t—” he was barely able to finish the word before the breath died in his lungs.  He tried to suck in air and couldn’t. 

Coughing and coughing and the train jerked into motion, and Alec found that his legs weren’t working properly.  He was going to fall.  His vision blacked in and out.  The floor of the train rushed up towards him.

He had fully expected that he would faceplant on that cesspool of dirt and old gum and dried feces.  A part of him had given himself up to that fate.  But he realized that he was not currently lying on the floor.  Instead, there was a pressure under his armpit, and a warmth along his back.

“I figured you would prefer me touching you through your clothes than passing out on the floor of a subway car,” Magnus said, his voice low.

Alec managed to lift his head to look at him, the man who was holding him upright.  “Oh,” he said faintly. 

He swayed when the train rounded a corner, and Magnus shifted his grip.  “Steady there,” Magnus said, his voice low.  “I thought about sweeping you off your feet, but I thought a man of my size lifting a hunk of muscle like you would draw unnecessary attention.”

_Sweep me off my feet?  Hunk of muscle?_   Alec still hadn’t been able to draw in a full breath.

He felt Magnus’s fingertips, pressing a pattern on his ribcage through the fabric of his shirt and suit jacket.  “Try to breath, Alexander.”

No one had held him like this in a very long time.  No one but Jace… Alec shook his head.  _Breathe_.  It was making him feel things.  Uncomfortable things.  His legs wobbled again, his heart wouldn’t stop skipping along.  His pants felt too tight.  He wanted to scrape Magnus’s touch away, scrub it off, but at the same time that his brain was telling him he needed to be clean, his body was saying something else: _This feels nice_.

“We’ll get off at the next stop,” Magnus was saying. 

Even though Magnus was right there, close enough for his breath to tickle in Alec’s ear, he sounded very far away.

***

When Alec opened his eyes, he was no longer on the subway.  He was no longer anyplace he knew.  He jolted upright.

He was on a couch, comfortable and overstuffed and a jewel-toned red that matched the gold and red brocade pillows.  The whole of the room he was in had been decorated in rich tones and dark wood, and smelled vaguely of jasmine.  At first glance he hadn’t recognized the place, empty of people and strobe lights.

In an effort to minimize what he was touching, Alec drew his arms in and hugged himself.  “Magnus?” he called out.

“Oh good, you’re awake.”  Magnus breezed into the room with a wooden tray.  “I made tea.”

“How did I get here?”

“I portaled us out of the subway station as soon as I could,” Magnus said.  “I hope you don’t mind that I brought you here.  I can’t portal into the Institute, and I doubted your family would appreciate a warlock delivering you unconscious to their doorstep.”  With elegant fingers, rings glinting in the dim lighting, Magnus poured steaming water into a patterned china teacup.  “And I know you would prefer no one to enter your room.  Do you… need to take a shower?”

Alec quickly shook his head.  _Take a shower, here?_   Magnus had to be kidding.  “But, um, maybe I could wash my hands?”  He hated that he was asking, like a child might as for permission.  That was surely how Magnus saw him.  Magnus was hundreds of years old.  Alec was only seventeen.

“Certainly.” 

The soap and hot water did wonders to slow Alec’s heartrate and make him feel better.  The bathroom appeared clean, anyway.  Alec stared at his reflection in the pristine mirror.  His hair stuck up all over the place, and he had bruised-looking circles under his eyes.  He looked every bit like the failure he was.

Magnus was looking out the window to the city streets below when Alec returned to the sitting room.  “I understand if you would prefer to go home now,” Magnus said without turning around.  “I shouldn’t have rushed things today.  Trying to complete two tasks instead of one… you clearly weren’t ready.”

The tea on the tray had gone cold, not that Alec would have drunk it anyway.  He didn’t even want to sit down.  His skin crawled with all the contamination it had encountered today.  “It isn’t your fault.”

“It is, though.  I could see you weren’t feeling well.  You looked tired from the start.  I’ve put too much stress on you.”

“But I wanted to go out,” Alec protested, and since he still wasn’t feeling great, he decided to sit back down on the couch.  He would be destroying these clothes once he returned home, anyway.  He sighed. 

“You did?” Magnus asked, looking over his shoulder.

“Yeah.  I mean, I want to be like a normal person.  Do you think… do you think I’ll ever be normal?”  Meeting Magnus’s gaze, Alec searched for the disappointment he was sure he would see there.  “When I get to number 10 on the list, I’ll be normal, right?”  Magnus looked away, and Alec glared at his gloved hands.  “At this rate I’ll never finish the list.  I’ll just keep failing and failing.”

And if he kept failing, Magnus would regret offering up his friendship.

Swiftly Magnus moved toward him and sat at his side.  Alec’s head jerked up as Magnus moved well beyond Alec’s comfort zone, the invisible boundary he imagined to be necessary to avoid accidental touching.  Their faces were so close that Alec could smell Magnus’s scent.  They were breathing the same air. He could see the faint stubble and realized he’d never thought about a warlock needing to shave.  He could see both the glamour Magnus used to hide his golden cat eyes, a deep amber brown, as well as his real eyes.  The effect was hypnotic.  Beautiful.

Blinking, Alec started to panic.   What the hell was Magnus doing?  Magnus wasn’t touching him.  _I want him to touch me_ – the thought fired through his head, and he swallowed thickly. 

“I’m sorry,” said Magnus, standing and moving away just as suddenly.  “I… thought your pupils looked dilated.  But you’re fine.  You should probably go.  I know you would prefer to be at home after such a difficult day.”

What the hell had just happened?  “Um, okay.”  Alec unfolded himself, his limbs awkward and shaky.  “I’m sorry,” he said, just before he closed the door behind him.


	8. Chapter 8

When Jace asked for Alec’s help in going to Dorothea’s apartment to find the Cup, Alec had initially refused.  Alec was still exhausted from yesterday, and it was clear that Jace just wanted to be Clary’s white knight.  He had suggested following protocol, turning the information over to the Clave.  He had suggested Clary do this by herself.  Finally, however, he had agreed to go, mostly just to prove to Jace that he wasn’t a coward.  And to not miss out.

Then he’d heard the mission would involve riding in a van belonging to some mundane Simon knew, and after his initial disgust, Alec thought it might prove to Magnus that he wasn’t a failure after all.  And maybe then Magnus would continue therapy with him...  Because last night, Magnus had texted him saying he didn’t want to do the therapy anymore.

_I think you should try doing some of the things on your list with other people_ , were the exact words Magnus used. 

After a stunned minute, Alec had texted back the simple question, _Why?_

He had waited a solid five minutes for an answer, all the while silently freaking out.  Finally he received two answers:

_It’s better not to become dependent on me_

_Also I worry that I’m pushing you too hard_

Alec knew neither of these were the real reason.  It was all Alec’s fault.  But how to say it? 

_You’re not, I can do better._ The text had been written and rewritten a dozen times.  It did nothing to convey the despair Alec felt that his cure was suddenly out of reach.

Magnus’s response only worsened his deepest fears, by not addressing Alec’s statement at all: _I’ll check in with you in a few days_

Needless to say, Alec had felt horrible, and hadn’t been able to sleep.  It was just as he had suspected, that Magnus was growing tired of Alec's continued failures.  He couldn't stop feeling the places where Magnus's fingers had dug into his ribs, where his arm had wrapped around Alec's back.  He twisted and turned, and was almost grateful when Jace came knocking at the crack of dawn with this mission.

Once it had been decided that they all would go, Alec had gotten dressed and applied his runes.  He wore his fingerless gloves, which were the best for when he used his bow, although knowing they might encounter the Forsaken made him want to wear full gloves.  He wished Magnus knew how much better he already was.  He didn't want Magnus to give up on him already.

Sighing at his pale and tired face in the mirror, he went down to meet the others in the library, where Jace was still trying to draw a rune on his upper arm. 

“You’re messing it up,” Alec said. After a moment of hesitation, he held out his hand.  “Let me do it.”

He imagined Jace’s weak protests were his way of trying to protect Alec from having to touch Jace’s stele.  But Alec was determined.  He met Jace’s gaze, and Jace handed it over.  _Number eight on the list_ , Alec thought proudly.  _Touching other people’s things without sanitizing them first_.  Wait until he told Magnus about this.

There was a tough moment where he then realized he would need to touch Jace’s bare upper arm in order to apply the rune.  _I can wash my hands after if it feels too bad_ , Alec told himself.  Jace’s skin was warm, his muscles hard under Alec’s fingers.  Queasiness gripped his stomach.  He remembered a time, back when they were younger, when sometimes Jace would carry his blankets into Alec’s room, and Alec would take the blankets off his own bed, and they would sleep on the floor beside each other, and wake in a tangle of limbs. 

A burning in his groin reminded him of that last time, when Alec had woken up hard, with Jace’s arm draped over him.  He remembered the panic of hearing footsteps in the hallway.  Of the doorknob turning…

Jace made a fist and complained through clenched teeth, and Alec realized he was using too much pressure.  As soon as he was finished, he handed the stele back to Jace and walked out of the library for a moment.  He needed some space to breathe. 

The urge to wash his hands welled up inside him, and he fought against it much as he would fight in the mission later on.  He could do this. 

As they climbed into the petri dish of a van, he told himself he could do this.  When the stink of Dorothea’s apartment building, like rotting meat and brine, hit him and he nearly threw up, he told himself he could do this. 

But when that thing, the demon Abbadon, blew a hole in the wall and oozed out, Alec had only been able to stare, and he knew quite surely that _no, he could not do this_.

Jace yanked him out of the way, and he felt that burn of Jace’s touch, adding to the heightened horror of the demon before him.  _Pull yourself together!_ the voice inside his head screamed.  _You are a Shadowhunter!  If you can’t do this, you are worthless!_

If only he’d had his bow.  What had he been thinking, leaving it behind?  The bow was his ideal weapon.  The one where he could watch from a distance, out of danger of being touched.

_Nearly seventeen, and you’ve never killed a demon.  Useless.  A failure._

_No!_ he told that awful voice.  _I can do this!_   

He struck out with his staff, pierced the demon.  That small victory lasted only a split second before the demon clawed him, THE DEMON TOUCHED HIM, and he was flying.  That was his last memory, of flying, before he hit the wall.

Something happened in the seconds before he regained consciousness.  The demon was dead, Clary said it was Alec who slayed it but he doubted it.  He could see Simon there, with Alec's bow, a shadow hovering around him.  The demon ichor burned him where it had entered his bloodstream, in the fiery trails where its claws had gouged his neck and shoulder.  It was inside of him.  He dreaded the touch of Jace's stele.  He would never be clean again. 

_The fire of the Angel is clean.  It will clean me._   He had to believe that.  And so Alec reached out for Jace.  Gripped Jace’s wrist in his bloodied hand.  "Do what you need to do," he managed to say.

He closed his eyes as Jace cut through his shirt to expose Alec's chest.  Stripped bare, Jace's stele like a hot iron burning the healing _iratze_ onto his skin, he felt that familiar awakening even in his terror.  His whole body betrayed him and came alive, his back arching and his nipples hardening.  If only he could move his arms, deadened as they were by the poison, to stop all this touching.  He couldn't bear it, not the fire in his groin or Jace's body pressing against his.

"It isn't working," he heard Jace say. 

That last thread of hope slipped away.  He was going to die, infected by filthy demon blood.  He would die in shame.  The darkness crowded the edges of his consciousness, and he welcomed it.


	9. Chapter 9

Magnus did not ordinarily enjoy brooding, but sometimes the situation called for it. 

With a glass of red wine in hand, Magnus lounged on a chaise near the window, looking out over the city's nighttime illuminations.  In his reflection, he could see the generously applied eyeliner that he preferred whilst brooding.  Occasionally he glanced over at the couch where, for a brief time two days ago, Alexander had been unconscious.

The situation with the Lightwood boy had gotten out of hand.  At first it had been a glimpse of a handsome face at his door, among all the other beautiful Nephilim faces.  He had recognized Clary, and had understood that there would be drama that night. 

Later, when he saw Alexander standing alone, he had found himself intrigued.  That black hair and those piercing blue eyes, he always liked that combination.  Shadowhunters weren't high on Magnus's list of people to date, mostly for their superior attitude.  They thought their angel blood made them superior to all others, when in fact some mundanes could bear runes, entirely without the angel blood.  That word, _Downworlders_ , that word made Magnus's blood pressure rise.  As if all others were beneath them.  Jace Wayland – or Jace Herondale, as Magnus suspected, given the similarity of his personality to that of his old friend Will Herondale – was a prime example. Haughty, rude, spoiling for a fight.  Alexander, however, had a more thoughtful, reserved side.  He seemed older than his years.  So serious.

There had been a vulnerability about him when Magnus saw him alone.  And Magnus had recognized those clues as to why.  Alexander was mysophobic.  The Shadowhunter prejudice against Downworlders was a part of it, but behind even that, there was something else.

Magnus had been around long enough that he could easily recognize when a man's eyes followed other men.  Or one other man.  It was clear that Alexander was in love with his _parabatai_.  And that was the catch right there.

It was widely known what happened to _parabatai_ who loved each other beyond the brotherly sense.  The _parabatai_ curse.  Poor Alexander was trying to suppress this.  He must fear the curse, Magnus had reasoned.  Perhaps he would be looking for a distraction.  And so Magnus had offered one.

Magnus hadn't counted on how deeply seated this fear was.  Alexander could not admit it to himself.  When he had spoken of needing to wash things given to him by his _parabatai_ , even if handled in a sanitized way, Magnus worried that his casual study of psychology would not be able to cure Alexander's issues.  He imagined Alexander had never acted upon any of his deepest desires.  He suspected that the first time his proclivities rose up (pun intended), they had been harshly dealt with, without regard for Alexander's mental health.  Shadowhunters never acknowledged that sort of thing.  Mental illness was viewed as something that made one weak, even by mundanes who had treatment.

It wasn't so much that Alexander was responding poorly to treatment.  Magnus had been the one in error, pushing him too fast.  He was not a licensed professional, after all.  A moral dilemma presented itself:  Magnus had not made his true intentions known to his patient.  Alexander _was_ his patient, even when Magnus had made it clear that there would be no payment involved in treatment. 

And what Magnus wanted was Alexander.

It had been many years since he had taken a lover.  Over the course of four hundred years he'd had a variety of lovers.  Passionate lovers.  Jealous lovers.  He'd loved only one mortal for the duration of her lifetime, and that had been painful.  His last lover had been over fifty years ago.

Magnus had thought this little game would be fun.  He set it all up like a romantic comedy.  Or perhaps something more serious, the taboo of a student who falls in love with the teacher.  In this case, the patient who falls in love with the doctor.  He had thought about the therapy more as a means to spend more time flirting with Alexander.  Surely he would then fall for Magnus’s charms.

Instead, Magnus found himself becoming more and more invested in Alexander’s well-being.  He worried that he had treated this all too lightly, and had somehow damaged him.

Alexander seemed so young when he was afraid.  It amused Magnus that night at his party, when Alexander had gone from being an insecure teenager to the Big Bad Shadowhunter.  But then, when Magnus had to carry him back to his apartment… when Alexander had woken up with his hair mussed and his eyes wide… All Magnus wanted to do was to comfort him.  And then make love to him. 

From those brief moments on the train, Magnus noted that Alexander's avoidance of touch had led to a delicious heightening of his senses.  He had responded to Magnus's touch so strongly.  In the grip of his panic, Alexander probably hadn’t even noticed that he’d been aroused by Magnus’s grip. 

Swirling the wine in his glass, Magnus thought about how he had attempted to recreate that arousal.  He had very nearly touched Alexander to do so.  Through sheer will he had stopped himself.  Those lips, those eyes… Magnus had never wanted to touch someone so badly in all his life.  But he could not break Alexander’s trust in him. 

That was why Magnus had to end this, or at least create some distance.  For if Alexander did not feel the way Magnus felt, then Magnus was simply taking advantage, both of his inexperience and of his mental illness.

Frustrated, Magnus set down his glass and stood.  He picked up his phone to check to make sure there were no notifications.  Alexander had not responded to his last text; no wonder, as Magnus had essentially told him not to.  Magnus would check in.  Then the phone buzzed in his hand.  “Amazing,” Magnus mused, when the caller ID flashed the name.

“Alexander,” he said warmly.  “I wasn’t expecting—”

“Magnus,” a breathy female voice said, “this is Isabelle.  Alec’s sister?  Alec’s been hurt and we need your help.”

This was an interesting development.  “Surely the Silent Brothers are the more appropriate—”

“They won’t come!” Isabelle snapped.  “He’s been poisoned by a Greater Demon.  The healing runes aren’t working.  Please, Magnus.  I know Alec trusts you.  He would want you to be the one to help him.”

Just when he had been about to give up, he found himself back in the thick of it.  Perhaps this was the universe telling him that he needed to keep trying.  That Alexander might come around, after all.

“I’ll be right there.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Everywhere he touches is fire. My whole body is burning up, the two of us becoming twin points of the same bright white flame.”   
> ― Lauren Oliver, Delirium

 

Fire burned in Alec’s veins. 

He didn’t know how he’d gotten to his room – there was a vague memory of Jace carrying him out.  That touch was physically painful, and he was grateful for the periodic unconsciousness and now the absence of that touch. 

“Need to be clean,” he tried to tell them, the invisible presence he felt hovering around him.  Now no one touched him, and it made the poison and filth contaminating him all the more painful.  He could feel it crawling over his skin.  “Shower,” he croaked through a dry and swollen throat.  No one understood, because no one helped him into the shower.  Someone wiped at the wounds with astringent that stung.  Pressed cold cloths to his face and chest. 

He fought against them.  They were only making it worse.  Tangled in the sheets until the fabric held him still, and yet he continued to fight.  “Go away,” he screamed when he felt them there.

Even in his sleep, fevered dreams haunted him.  He felt the shame of what he’d done, his father dragging him out of the blankets, out of Jace’s loose embrace.  _Get up._   The words hissed.  Jace had simply rolled over – he was always a heavy sleeper.  Swept off to the bathroom.  Steam pouring out of the shower.  _Clean yourself.  You’re disgusting._

Parabatai were not supposed to feel that way about each other.  It was not only sinful but against the law.  Eros was forbidden between parabatai.  Disgusting.  Filthy.  Unclean.  Like now.  He needed to get under the hottest water he could stand.  Burn the infection out.  Scrub away the taint of Jace’s touch.

He writhed.  The friction of the sheets against his bare skin made it worse.  Who had removed his clothes?  Jace?  He still wore underwear, thank the Angel.  His clothes had been stained with ichor and blood, it was good they were gone, but now he festered in his own skin and detritus.  It oozed out of every pore.

In the haze of the real world around him, he heard voices.  Sometimes their words made sense.  “Silent Brothers,” they said.  “Dying… not coming… someone needs to do _something_!”

Through his cracked lips he whispered an old bit of poetry.  “Flame for the birth of a Nephilim, and to wash away our sins.”  He was burning alive from the inside out.  The flames needed to be from the outside in.  “Flame to wash away our sins.” 

He groped for his stele.  He kept it on his bedside table, always, but it wasn’t there.  “Flame to wash away our sins.”  There was a candle in his room, a purifying candle he had found in a mundane store.  It purified the air.  There were matches beside the candle, to light it on those occasions when not even a shower and clean clothes could make him feel clean.  The candle to clean the air, and the electric teapot to boil purified water and make cleansing tea to clean his insides.  “Flame to wash away our sins,” he muttered as he rolled over, reaching for the matches.

He passed out before he got there.

***

“Alexander.”

The memory of his name roused him.  He was still hot, still infected.  It was hard to focus, and it seemed like an hour passed before he heard his name again, in that silky voice. 

“Alexander.”

So familiar… He cracked his eyes open.  The light blinded him, and it seemed some crusty gunk had pasted his eyelids shut.  Opening them was an effort, seeing even more difficult.  Nothing seemed to stay in focus.

“I am… try to heal… _Alexander_.”

His voice rose up out of his throat like a dying frog.  “Magnus?” 

The warlock’s face hovered over him.  Not touching him, though Alec could feel his weight on the mattress beside him. 

“Yes… been poisoned by a Greater Demon.”  Magnus spoke slowly, as if to a child, and yet Alec couldn’t seem to follow.  “… try to heal you, but … need to touch you….  I would … to touch you.”

“No!” Alec gasped, pulling away.  If Magnus needed to touch him, Alec wouldn’t be able to stop him. 

“…need permission... to touch you…”

The thought was unbearable.  Magnus’s hands on him.  On his naked skin.  He writhed at the idea of more uncleanliness.  More germs.  And how his body burned for it. 

“Flame to wash the sins away...” he tried to say.

“Alexander.”  That voice commanded his attention.  In the dim light of the room, golden eyes flashed.  “If you do not allow me to touch you, you will die.”

It took some time for that to sink in.  He was dying.  Of course he was.  A relief.  He let his head fall back, wet against the damp pillow.  “Good,” he whispered. 

“Alexander!”  Why was Magnus yelling?  He tried to escape the pain of the sound, but now Magnus was so close… “You would leave this earth, desert your parabatai?  Do you even know what that would be like for Jace, to go on living without you?”

He knew the oath as if the words had been carved into his memory.  “Where thou diest, will I die, and there be buried…”

“Yes, Alexander.  If you die, the pain you will bring to Jace will be worse than any pain you can imagine.  Worse even than the pain you feel when he touches you.”

Not Jace.  Jace had already suffered enough.  The things his father had done to him, witnessing his father’s death… Alec was all Jace had. 

“Would you let your parents suffer?  Your sister? Your brother?”

“I’m a burden to them,” Alec whispered, twitching away.  The darkness was crowding back in.  “A failure…”  But Jace… he had never been a failure in Jace’s eyes.

“If you die now, you will never have a chance to prove yourself.  And you _will_ prove yourself.”

Reality slipped away for a moment.  He traveled on memories, thinking of all he would lose.  Sometimes life was so painful, it seemed death might be easier.  Easier than having Magnus touch him.  Imagining Magnus’s hands, full of germs and whatever else.  He shuddered.  Haltingly, he managed to say, “Will you… wash your hands first?”

“Of course.”

Magnus’s presence went away.  He floated in isolation.  Somewhere far off, running water.  The sound soothed him.  If only he could take a shower.  Baptize himself in soap and water.

Then Magnus returned.  Alec tried to open his eyes and could only see the glint of Magnus’s rings hovering over him, just before the sheet was carefully peeled away from his chest.

He groaned and gasped for breath.  His skin seemed to rise up and seek out Magnus’s touch.  _Betrayal_.  He shook his head and tried to turn away, but then Magnus placed one cool, clean hand on his forehead, brushing the matted hair back.  He placed another hand on Alec’s chest. 

For a moment Alec couldn’t breathe.  The weight of those hands made it impossible.  Against his poisoned skin, those hands promised to eradicate everything that was wrong with him.  Magnus’s palms were smooth and soft, cool like antibacterial ointment.

Magnus began speaking words in a language Alec did not know, and suddenly those hands turned to fire.

Crying out, he arched up against them.  The demon’s poison inside him roiled and burned.  Magnus chanted louder, over the protests that leaked from Alec’s mouth.  The fire was inside of him, everywhere and yet focused on those two points of contact.  His weak heart beat rapidly against his ribcage.  His brain boiled and threw images at him. The way his father had looked at him as his groin throbbed.  _You’re disgusting._

“It hurts,” he moaned, his voice a sob.  Flailing, he tried to tear Magnus’s hands away.  He could feel the infection filling him up, turning his skin mottled and black with disease.  “Please.”

But Magnus did not stop the stream of words.  His hands remained firm, holding Alec down to the sweat-soaked mattress.  The struggle exhausted Alec until he could not lift his arms.  He submitted to the pressure of Magnus’s hand on his forehead, let it press him down.  Every movement made the pain worse.  His skin, so unused to being touched, focused on the light pressure of Magnus’s fingers on his chest.  One edge of his palm was touching the side of Alec’s hardened nipple.  Each breath brought contact, an agony of chafing that fired up all the nerves in Alec’s body.  He felt it most down there, where somehow he had become erect and horrifyingly sensitive.  Tenting his underwear.  If he struggled it only became harder.  Poison leaking out. 

“Please stop,” he tried to say.

Shame accompanied the poison burning up his body.  It built to a crescendo, until he didn't think he could stand it anymore.  He hated that Magnus was seeing him like this.  That Magnus was doing this to him.  Making him feel this way.  Part of him recognized that this was how he had felt for Jace – the way his body had felt for Jace.  Maybe Magnus could cure him of this, too.  Maybe there had been a spell this whole time.

Gasping, trying to contain it, until that moment when he couldn't.  His body surged up against the hands that bound him, and then all at once the burning and agony left him.

He fell down into a deep, dark hole, and remembered no more.


	11. Chapter 11

When he woke up, the sun was streaming through the blinds.  It didn't hurt his eyes anymore and for that he was grateful.  Along with his clarity of mind, however, came the knowledge of how unclean he was.  When was the last time he had showered or washed?  He was certain that days had passed in his fevered haze.  And he could feel how his underwear clung to his skin, all sticky from the previous night. 

Magnus sat at his bedside, reading a thick, gilt-edged book.  It had been a long time since he had looked at another person and felt this repulsive in comparison. 

And yet Magnus's hands had been on him. 

The memory made his entire body flush.

Magnus looked over at him when Alec lifted his head.  Almost immediately he had to let it fall back to the pillow.  He could hardly bear to have the sweat-soaked pillow touching him.

"How do you feel?" Magnus asked quietly.  He slipped a bookmark between the pages of his book and set it aside to give Alec his full attention.

Though the sheets had been pulled up to his chin, Alec felt exposed.  "I want to take a shower."  His voice was raw.

"I can run you a bath."

"Baths aren't _clean_ ," Alec said.  How could he even think that?  "You're lying in a puddle of your own filth."

Magnus chuckled.  "Well, you are not yet strong enough for a shower.  But I could help you take a bath.  Unless... you'd like for me to _join_ you in the shower."  The end of his sentence lilted upward with hope.

Alec rolled away, stared at the white wall on the other side of his bed.  "Why would you want to do that?  I'm disgusting."

"I don't think that, Alexander."

"You saw... what happened."  He couldn't even bring himself to name it.  He needed to get clean.  His own fluids stained him now.

"I did."

Alec waited, then demanded, "Then you know how disgusting I am."

"You have to know that there is nothing about you that I find disgusting."

Anger seized him, and found the strength to roll back over and glare at Magnus.  "What kind of sick person are you that you would _like_ that sort of thing?"

"Your body was simply reacting to a stimulus," Magnus said, his voice maddeningly calm.  "You have denied yourself the pleasure of anyone's touch for so long that only a light touch brought you to—"

"Please stop," Alec moaned, collapsing back to the pillow.

"You're hyper-sensitive.  Tell me, Alexander."  Magnus played with the rings on his fingers.  "When was the last time you masturbated?"

Gagging, Alec rolled away again.  "Stop!"

"You deny yourself even that pleasure, and you are shocked when your body reacts?"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore.  I want to take a shower."  The shower had a detachable head.  He could sit in the tub and clean himself that way.  It was better than nothing. 

"My offer still stands."

"I don't understand why you would want to do that."  Alec's voice was half-muffled by the pillow. 

For a long moment Magnus was silent.  Then he said, "I like you, Alexander.  I...might be falling in love with you."

Alec was glad he was facing away.  His thoughts couldn't process what Magnus was saying, but his body was reacting.  He curled himself up into a ball.  Squeezed his eyes shut.  Willed himself to calm down.

"I would like to take a shower," Alec rasped.  "By myself."

***

Alec made his way to the bathroom with painstaking slowness.  He used the walls to support himself, hating how he was so nearly naked, and how his muscles shook.  But he couldn't bear to have Magnus's hands on him again.  Magnus offered to bring Alec clean clothes, but Alec refused – he would much rather get the clothes himself, after he was clean.  Magnus took down the shower head, and finally left Alec alone.

Once he had stripped out of his soiled underwear and hot water sprayed over him, he could finally breathe.

_Falling in love?_   Alec's head couldn't quite comprehend it.  How could Magnus love him, after what had happened?  Alec drew his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them, letting the hot water sluice over his back.  It felt good, the way it burned. 

He washed himself everywhere, using up the bottle of shampoo and wearing the bar of soap down to a sliver that finally broke apart and fell into the drain.  He scrubbed with his arsenal of loofahs and sponges, all of which went straight into the trash when he was through.  He purposefully let the shampoo slide down into his eyes until they stung. 

When he ran a washcloth over his chest, he thought of Magnus's hand there.  The imprint seemed burned into the memory of his flesh, along with the phantom touch on his ribs, and felt himself get hard again. 

With great reluctance he washed down there, looking up at the steam fogging the mirror as he did so.  He scrubbed hard, like that would make it less sensitive.  Biting his lip, he gripped the side of the tub.  Why wouldn't it stop throbbing? 

Eventually the water turned cold, and that helped.  He felt his pores and blood vessels contract and curl into themselves. 

He wondered, as he turned the water off and wrapped himself in a clean towel, if Magnus would be waiting.  He wasn't sure why he was disappointed that Magnus was not there. 

_I might be falling in love with you._

Alec dressed in his usual clothes, then added a thick sweater and a scarf.  He tugged on his gloves, thought for a moment, then strapped on the face mask he hadn't worn since that day in the weapons room with Jace.  Nearly every inch of his skin was protected. 

The shower had rejuvenated him, but he was exhausted.  He stared at his messy bed and knew he could not sleep there.  The mattress needed to be stripped, the sheets washed in bleach.  He needed to vacuum the floors and wash the walls and windows.  He turned on the air purifier in the corner – he couldn’t believe no one had turned it on in the whole time he was sick.  They probably didn’t know what it was, being one of those mundane inventions.

Slowly, Alec made his way to the door of his bedroom, planning to use one of the many empty guest rooms to lay down and sleep.  Perhaps then, too, he might be left alone.

He could hear voices even before he reached the door.  He recognized Izzy’s laugh, and Magnus’s quiet tones.  For a long moment he considered remaining in his contaminated bedroom.  Maybe his bed wasn’t as dirty as he’d thought.  He even turned to look at it.  There was blood on the sheets, and other… bodily fluids. 

Tucking his masked face into his scarf, he inhaled deeply, then opened the door.

“Oh, Alec, we thought you’d never be done!”  Izzy rushed forward as if to hug him, then stopped, looked at Magnus, and stepped back.  “Sorry, I’m just happy you’re better.  Everyone’s happy.”

Magnus didn’t look happy.  His eyes swept over Alec’s body, taking in the outfit, while a kernel of shame burned in Alec’s chest.  Magnus must think him a failure, yet again. 

“Thanks,” Alec muttered.

“Do you still have a fever?” Izzy asked.  “Look at you, all bundled up.”

“I’m just tired,” Alec said.  “I was hoping to use one of the guest rooms.”

“Oh!  Of course.  There’s demon blood all over the sheets.  We’ll get somebody to clean it—”

“No!” Alec said, too loudly.  “I mean, I’ll clean it.  Later.  I just… need to lie down first.”

Izzy’s eyes shone with worry.  Alec could barely look at her.  “Okay.  Do you need help?”

“No,” Alec whispered. 

Magnus, who had been observing this exchange, pushed away from the wall.  “I should go now.”  Izzy nodded, and it seemed like that would be it: Magnus was just going to leave, and Alec would never see him again.  But Magnus stopped, and turned slightly toward him.  “Alexander – please call me when you’re feeling better.”

He couldn’t exactly say no to that, could he?  “Sure.”

Alec couldn’t say what was different about Magnus as he walked away, and Alec had to focus on getting to one of the guest rooms without collapsing.  Izzy would surely ignore any concept of his need for her not to touch him then.  She trailed after him anyway.  It wasn’t until he sank down onto the clean(er) bed and closed his eyes that he realized what was different.  Magnus had looked worried.  Like he thought Alec might _not_ call him.

If it had been the other way around, Alec would have escaped as fast as he could.  _He…. really wants me to call him_ , Alec wondered.  The thought warmed him as he drifted off to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

“Another shower?”

Alec froze in the doorway of the bathroom, clutching the towel around his waist.  Isabelle was stretched out on his bed like some kind of model.  His newly disinfected bed.  He had burned the sheets and purchased new ones, which he washed with enough bleach to make his eyes sting.  He’d also bought a new mattress protector, which thank god he’d had, otherwise the mattress would have been absolutely ruined.  (The old one had been burned along with the sheets).  He’d scrubbed the hardwood floors, washed the walls, and now Isabelle was in here, fouling it all up. 

He scowled at her.  “So?”

“Magnus said you were better.  Like, about the washing hands and stuff.  And showering, I guess, too.  But look.  This is your third shower today.”

The mention of Magnus spurred him to hurry to his dresser to pull out some clothes.  “I sparred with Jace earlier.  I was sweaty.  I needed a shower.”

“Riiiight.”

He ignored her and ripped a t-shirt out of the drawer. 

“Anyway, I came in here to tell you Jace wants to go demon hunting later.”

“What?  Why?”

“He needs to blow off some steam or something.  You know, because his father is Valentine and Clary’s his sister so he can’t make out with her anymore or whatever.”

Alec rolled his eyes.  “He needs to blow off steam, so we get to risk our lives.  Great.”  Alec did understand.  And he would be perfectly willing to help Jace, but it was like Jace couldn’t see beyond his own problems. 

“Not greater demons,” Izzy said, practically reading Alec’s thoughts.  “Just regular demons.”

“Still.” 

Pulling on his shirt, Alec didn’t see or hear Jace come into his room.  Of course, Izzy had left the door wide open.

“Hey,” Jace said, and Alec startled, nearly dropping the towel.  “You up for a hunt later?” he asked Alec.

“Who’s giving us missions, without Hodge here?” Alec asked. 

“We don’t need Hodge.”  Jace leaned in the doorway and examined the blade on his dagger.  “We’re Shadowhunters.  If we know about demons, then we can hunt them. Simple as that.”

“I doubt that reasoning would hold with the Clave.”  Alec wished everyone would leave his room.  They were ruining it.  And he wanted to put on pants. 

“Look, I heard there was a Dragonidae demon down in the subway tunnels,” Jace said. There was no part of that sentence that appealed to Alec in the slightest.  “Dragonidae demons are almost extinct.  I think it’s a good idea to check it out.”

Izzy grinned.  “Ooh, imagine getting to slay the last Dragonidae demon!  We could go down in history.”

“I don’t know…” Alec looked longingly at the pants and underwear in his free hand.

“Come on,” Jace said, and Alec knew what was coming.  “You’re my parabatai.  We fight better as a team.  And with Izzy, we’re unstoppable.  Right, Iz?”

“Right.”

“ _Fine_ ,” Alec said.  “Now can you guys leave so I can get dressed?”

***

“How do you manage to _never_ get mud on you?” Alec demanded of Izzy, who had managed to complete the hunt still looking pristine.  Alec hadn’t managed to be so lucky.  Now all he wanted was another shower.  His fourth of the day.

_Maybe I should call Magnus… I’m getting worse._

Once back in the sanctuary of his room, Alec closed the door and locked it for good measure, then removed all of his clothing right there.  His laundry basket was stationed next to the door for that reason.  Everything went in there.  Straight to the shower.

This particular hunt had involved more mud and dirt than usual, and he had tolerated it pretty well.  Even someone without his condition would need to shower, wouldn't they? 

But he should call Magnus.  It had been nearly a week.  After he dressed, he hunted around for his cell phone.  He hadn't carried it with him on the hunt – too easily lost or damaged, and if they were desperate for help they could send fire messages.  He hadn't seen his phone since before Abaddon attacked him, in fact.  He had left it in the drawer of his nightstand.

Naturally, the phone was dead. 

He plugged it in and set about stripping the comforter from his bed so he could carry it to the laundry room, down on the first floor.  The room was underused, as far as Alec could tell.  So many germs, and hardly anyone did their laundry daily like he did.  At least it made the room peaceful. 

Two hours later, Alec was finished with his laundry and had made his room spotless again.  He looked around with satisfaction, then saw his phone sitting there charging. 

He wasn't sure why he was so disappointed when he turned the phone on and saw that there were no messages.  _He told me he wants me to call him_ , Alec remembered.  _He's probably even more disappointed that I haven't called him yet.  He probably thinks I don't like him._

Magnus had told him that he was falling in love with him.  And Alec had ignored him for a week.  

He’d be lucky if Magnus still wanted to help him at all.  The whole week, which Alec had spent mostly sleeping and cleaning, had felt exhausting while he lived it, but now he saw all the opportunities where he could have picked up the phone.  God, he was such an idiot.

Alec waited while the phone rang on the other end.  And rang.  And rang.

"Hello, this is Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn.  Please leave a message."

So Magnus wasn't just waiting around, after all.  He'd probably figured that Alec wasn't interested.  A guy like Magnus probably had lots of guys interested in him. 

After waiting for the beep, Alec snapped, "Hi, can you call me back?  Or text me?  Thanks."

He tossed his phone back on the nightstand and stalked downstairs, only to find Jace heading out.  “Where are you going?” Alec asked.  His mother stood in the doorway to the library with arms folded.

“Out,” Jace said, and slammed the door behind him. 

“What’s going on?” Alec asked his mother.

“Clave business,” she said, and stalked off.

“Great,” Alec muttered.  His mother was back from Alicante, which meant no more freedom.  It had been nice without her watching his every move.  He wondered if she would even notice that Alec washed his hands a lot.  What would she think about him spending so much time with Magnus? 

Instead of eating in the kitchen – where Izzy had already come in and demanded what he was so mopey about, and asking if it was a parabatai thing when he denied it – Alec took his food back to his room.  He sat at his desk to eat, where he knew everything was clean and germ-free.  He worked his gloves off his fingers and felt proud of himself for touching the clean silverware with bare hands.  It wasn’t much, but it was more than he would have done a few weeks ago. 

His phone buzzed against the wood of the nightstand, and Alec glanced over at it.  He wasn’t finished eating, and he was reluctant to touch his phone without gloves.  _My phone doesn’t have many germs on it_ , he told himself when it buzzed again.  _I can touch it.  It will be okay._  

He walked over to it and looked down at the now-black screen for a few moments before he reached out and hit the home button.  The screen was filled with messages and missed call notifications.  All from Magnus.

_I’m sorry I didn’t pick up when you called_

_You sounded angry.  I hope you aren’t angry._

_Okay, you’re not answering.  I would very much like to talk to you._

Two missed calls.

_Face to face might work better than a phone call?_

One more missed call.

_Okay, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to go down to our café.  I’m going to sit there until you come and talk to me.  I hope you will come and talk with me, Alexander._

The timestamp on the last text was two hours ago.  The most recent text was actually from Izzy.  _Simon sent me this, it’s called a me me_ , she had written, and attached some weird picture that Alec didn’t bother to look at.  He didn’t have time.  He was already grabbing his leather jacket and running out the door.


	13. Chapter 13

 

Rain pelted him in the face as he stormed down the street.  Of course it was raining.  And it was a twenty-minute walk to the café.  He stopped at the entrance to the subway, but then remembered he had forgotten his gloves.  And his wallet.  Which meant he couldn't get a cab, either.  He hurried off.  He'd get there faster walking, anyway. 

His long legs overtook the other pedestrians on the street, who seemed content to stroll along getting soaked.  He hadn't bothered with an umbrella either, which meant he was fully soaked by the time he reached the café and hurled himself through the door.

Magnus, looking cozy and warm and dry in a thick gray sweater, sat there with a steaming latte and a novel.  He looked up at the disruption, and his mouth dropped open a little.

"Why would you send me a text like that?" Alec demanded. 

Tilting his head slightly, Magnus slowly closed his book and set it down.

Rain dropped off Alec's nose and ran in rivulets down his neck and under his shirt.  He felt disgusting.  There weren't many other people in the café, but he could feel the stares of the ones who were here. "What if I hadn't gotten your message?  Would you have sat here all night?"

"Maybe," Magnus said. 

There it was, that damn hint of a smile.

"This isn't funny!" Alec insisted.  "And where were you when I called the first time?  If you had picked up I wouldn't have missed all those messages!"

Smiling a patient smile, Magnus indicated the seat across from him.  "Please.  Let's have a conversation."

Alec exhaled hard and glanced around before sitting down.  His clothing clung to him uncomfortably.  His pants especially felt tighter, and no amount of shifting was helping that.

"No gloves, I see," Magnus said.  "It seems like you are still improving on your own, then?"

Pressing his fingers into his eyes, Alec took a few more breaths.  He itched to get back home and into the shower.  "No," he whispered. 

For long moments Magnus was silent, and Alec couldn't bring himself to uncover his eyes.  If he did, he was going to start crying in frustration, he just knew it.  So he dug his fingertips into his eyeballs until blooms of color appeared. 

"It is bothering you, being wet?"

"Yes," Alec hissed.  "I feel so... unclean."

"And without your gloves.  I apologize, Alexander.  I did not realize that my request for a meeting would upset you."

Now Alec felt bad for his sudden anger at Magnus.  "It's my own fault," he said, dropping his hands.  "I should have called you sooner.  And kept my phone on me.  I shouldn't have expected you to be sitting there waiting for me to call you.  For a whole week."  He sighed.  "It's been a hard week."

"Perhaps you would prefer to talk about it when you're more comfortable?"

Was Magnus suggesting they meet some other time?  Alec thought about that.  He would like to take a shower and put on some clean clothes.  But Izzy and Jace seemed to be watching him like a hawk, counting how many showers he took.  Another shower would make five today, he thought.  And with his mother home... Maryse would certainly start to notice his behavior. 

_If only I had been able to complete the list before she returned from Idris.  Then everything would be fine._

Magnus cocked his head.  "We can talk now, if you would like.  I was only concerned for how you felt."

"I want to get better," Alec said.  "It just seems like... I'm getting worse."

"I wouldn't call this worse.  Look, when was the last time you left the Institute without your gloves?" 

He couldn't remember, and shook his head. 

"And when was the last time you allowed someone else into your room?"

Alec opened his mouth to say that he hadn't actually given anyone permission to be in his room because he was sick, but then he hadn't immediately kicked Izzy or Jace out of his room earlier today.  He closed his mouth.

"And the last time you allowed someone to touch your skin with their bare hands?"

"Okay, I get your point," Alec said.  "But all those things... a lot of those things were just circumstance."

"I have a suggestion.  Just a suggestion, you don't have to agree to it.  But if you would like to talk more, and be more comfortable... We might go back to my apartment, right across the street.  You could borrow some of my clothes, and shower if you'd like.  Whatever you are comfortable with."

The idea didn't sound immediately terrible.  He wouldn't still be wet, that would be an improvement.  And a shower, even in someone else's bathroom, might be good, too.  Wearing Magnus's clothes, however...

"It would cover a number of items on your list," Magnus continued.  "And you’re shivering.  If you don’t warm up soon, you’ll get sick.”

“Okay,” said Alec.

***

“These should fit you,” said Magnus, holding out a pile of clothing.  “The bathroom is there.  It’s the guest bathroom, which means it’s rarely used.  Fresh towels, if you’d like to shower.”

“Thanks,” said Alec.

Though the guest bathroom looked cleaner than most of the bathrooms in the Institute, Alec decided against taking a shower.  He was trying to get better.  He dried himself off and then took a look at the clothes Magnus had given him.

“Oh,” said Alec, holding up the black silk boxers.  A glance back at the floor reminded him of how wet and unclean his own underwear was.  He couldn’t wear those.  But to wear Magnus’s underwear?  They were clean, he told himself.  He put them on.  The silky fabric felt nice against his skin. 

“Oh,” he said again, this time at the black leather pants.  Leather pants?  Alec doubted these would fit him, given their height difference, but what other choice did he have? 

The pants did fit, a little snugly.  Alec looked at the final garment with suspicion.  It was a plain black t-shirt.  Short sleeves.  Well, he couldn’t expect Magnus to have a drawer full of long-sleeve t-shirts, when Alec had never seen him wear one. 

Finally, thick wool socks.  Green. 

“I thought you wanted me to warm up,” Alec said, stepping out of the bathroom.

Magnus swung out of the kitchen at the sound of Alec’s voice and made a low sound of appreciation in his throat.  His eyes raked Alec up and down in a way that made Alec feel more than a little self-conscious.  “Well, I was never one to avoid my own selfish temptations.  Besides, your feet will be warm, and that’s all that matters.”  Darting back into the kitchen, Magnus returned with two wine glasses and held one out for Alec. 

“Would you mind if I just threw these away?” Alec asked, holding out his own clothes in a towel. 

“I have a washing machine if you’d like to wash them.”

“I’d rather throw these away.”

“Are you sure?”

Alec had been sure, but now he hesitated.  “Is this a test?”

Magnus merely took a sip from his glass.

“Okay, I’ll wash them.”

“Fantastic.”  Magnus held out the glass for Alec again, which meant Alec had to shuffle things in his hands to grab it.  When Magnus took the towel and clothes from him, their hands brushed again.

Alec was glad Magnus was walking away and couldn’t see what that little touch had done.  He gulped some wine, grimacing at the unfamiliar taste, and took a seat on the couch where he had sat before. 

It was rude to not want to put his bare arms down on the velvet upholstery.  He forced his body to uncurl, to resemble something approaching “natural.” 

“So,” Magnus said, sweeping into the room and sitting at the other end of the couch with his back against the arm rest so he could look directly at Alec.  “Is this better?”

“I guess.”  That didn’t sound very positive.  He cleared his throat.  “Yeah.  It is better.”

“I must say, I’m a bit jealous.”

“Huh?”

“Those pants look better on you than they’ve ever looked on me.”  Magnus gazed at him steadily as he sipped his wine.

“Oh, uh, well, I’m sure they look great on you.”  As the lame compliment trailed out of his mouth, Alec cringed inwardly.  What exactly was he trying to accomplish here?  What was Magnus trying to accomplish?  Back at the café, Alec had been thinking only about talking to Magnus.  He needed someone to talk to, now that Jace was consumed by self-hatred.  But now, the soft lighting, the alcohol, the strange new clothing and intimate atmosphere… now Alec could only think about Magnus telling him he was falling in love.  He couldn’t stop feeling Magnus’s hand on his chest.

Magnus cleared his throat and set down his glass.  “So.  You waited a week to call me.  I thought you might have been... offended by what I did."

"Offended?"  Alec looked at Magnus sideways.  "For healing me?"

"For touching you," Magnus corrected. 

"Oh."  Swallowing thickly, Alec looked out the window to the rain-washed street.  "I'm... not offended.  By that.  I..."  Alec pressed his fingers into his eyes and took a deep breath.  He was a Shadowhunter.  Shadowhunters didn't make sudden, shameful confessions.  They spoke the truth.  He took another deep breath, dropped his hands into his lap, and looked Magnus in the eye.  "I can't stop thinking about you touching me."

"Is that so."  Alec hadn't imagined that warlocks could blush.  Or maybe he hadn't imagined that Magnus could blush, being so confident all the time.  But blush Magnus did, and smile.  "And... does this mean you took no offense to what I _said_ , either?"

A strange flutter of something was happening deep in Alec's belly.  Alec nodded.

“I would like to try something with you,” Magnus said, and scooted closer to Alec on the couch. 

Instinctively, Alec shifted away.  “What?”

“Put down your glass.”

Alec did.

“Now,” Magnus said, and laid his open palm face up on his knee.  “I would like you to hold my hand.”

Sweat rose up to the surface of Alec’s skin.  “What?  Why?”

“It’s on your list,” Magnus said simply.

“Okay.”  Alec’s voice hitched.  He stared at Magnus’s hand.  It looked clean, but he knew there must be germs on it.  He remembered how smooth and cool those hands had felt on him.  And his whole body remembered what those hands had done.

“However your body might respond to this touch,” Magnus said, “please know that I do not judge you for it.”

Alec’s breath rasped.  He wanted so badly to hold Magnus’s hand.  But he feared his body’s response. 

“I get the feeling that someone once told you that how your body responds is wrong.”

Tearing his eyes away from Magnus’s hand, Alec asked, “How can you know that?”

“It’s just a feeling.  Perhaps… it has something to do with how you feel about your parabatai.”

Alec turned away so he could catch his breath.  In that brief moment, he felt a surge of anger at his father.  So he turned back and grabbed Magnus’s hand in his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what I imagine Magnus wearing at the cafe:  
> 
> 
> And in case you need help imagining Alec in leather pants:  
> 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hand-holding INTENSIFIES....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “your hand  
> touching mine.  
> this is how  
> galaxies  
> collide.”  
> ― Sanober Khan

 

“This isn’t so bad,” Alec said.

Magnus exerted only the lightest grip, his fingertips hovering on the edges of Alec’s hand.  Alec was probably squeezing too hard.  Those elegant fingertips were turning white, nearly as white as Alec’s hand, which hadn’t seen the sun in far too long - it looked pale and chapped.  He wondered how Magnus could bear to be touching it.

“Sorry… if I’m hurting you,” Alec said, trying to relax his grip.

“You’re fine, Alexander.  Tell me.  Do you feel fully in control?”

Well… his breathing was faster.  And his whole body felt like it was humming.  But… “Yeah.”

“Good.”  Magnus brushed his thumb lightly over the back of Alec’s hand.  “How about now?”

Alec could feel the echoes of that touch everywhere.  It might have been Magnus reaching inside his pants by the way his cock reacted, seeming to swell up and fill any available room in the tight leather pants.  He curled up, turned his face away, pressed it into his other hand. 

“I’m fine.”

“Is this okay?” Magnus asked, with another caress of his thumb.

Curling up harder, and gripping Magnus’s hand more tightly, Alec said through his teeth, “Yes.”

Magnus chuckled. 

“Don’t make fun of me!”

“I don’t mean to laugh.  It’s just that you are clearly not fine.”

Alec gave him a baleful look.  “I’m holding your hand, aren’t I?”

He shouldn’t have looked at Magnus.  Now he couldn’t look away.  Magnus’s dark eyes had a gold gleam to them.  They were… beautiful.  Magnus looked so at ease and comfortable with himself that Alec had a sudden desire to press his entire body against him. 

Magnus lay his head against the lush couch cushions and smiled sweetly.  “Why are you hard, Alexander?”

Alec moved to yank his hand away, but suddenly that gentle touch was a firm grip holding him in place.  Helplessly, he stared down at their hands.  He didn’t really want to let go, he realized. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

Magnus’s other hand covered the ugly scaly patches on the back of Alec’s.  Alec inhaled raggedly, and curled his free hand into a fist against his thigh.  The pressure of his knuckles seemed to help slightly.  For a moment, anyway.  Then the throbbing began again. 

“Is – it because of what you said, before, about not having touched anyone in so long?” he guessed.  All he wanted to do was escape to the bathroom.  He could take a cold shower and this little problem would be solved. 

“That is part of it, I’m sure,” said Magnus.  His hands were so warm.  “Why else might you have this reaction?”

Oh, god, he couldn’t breathe.  It was hard to swallow.  Alec closed his eyes and tried to focus despite the powerful feelings pulsing through his body.  He couldn't even bring himself to speak.  All that rubbing and stroking...

"After my confession to you," Magnus's voice was so soft, almost a caress in itself, "I find myself hoping that you don't react to just _anyone_ 's touch this way."

What was Magnus even saying?  It was so hard to think. 

"Perhaps I need to make myself more direct, as I am clearly distracting you."  He didn't have to look at Magnus's face to know that Magnus was smiling – he could hear it.  "And yet I don't want to stop distracting you.  Do you want me to stop, Alexander?"

His whole body was trembling now.  "No," Alec managed to say, in a hoarse whisper.

"Do you like this?"

He could barely say it.  "Yes."

When Magnus moved even closer to him on the couch, their knees almost touching, Alec's hand jerked to pull away again.  But Magnus kept his hand hostage.  And Alec could do nothing about except curl up in a ball, trying not to explode.

"I must say, it is quite a turn-on, to be able to make you come with just a touch.  Even as a warlock, I've never had that power."  Magnus trailed a finger up the inside of Alec's wrist, and Alec moaned.  His legs trembled.  His heart was beating so fast, which was probably why he felt so hot and sweaty.

"Stop," Alec begged.

The finger withdrew.  "Stop?" Magnus asked.

"I--" Alec's voice broke.  He swallowed, shuddering, then whispered, "If you don’t stop I'll ruin your pants."

Magnus laughed.  "Alexander, if you were to ruin my pants in this way, I would be thrilled."

Alec turned to look at him, wondering if he was serious.

"Which would you like better," Magnus whispered, so close now that Alec could feel his breath on his lips.  "To keep holding my hand, and ruin my pants, or to be clean?"

Swallowing, Alec couldn't tear his eyes away from Magnus's.  They were so gold, so dark.  Magnus had such smooth skin, with a little stubble that Alec felt an urge to run his fingers over.  And he smelled like smoke and jasmine, intoxicating as the wine on his breath.  Alec had to dig his fingers into that hand and into his own leg to keep himself from coming right then. 

Magnus's eye flickered down to Alec's hand in his.  With a knowing smile, and returning his gaze to hold Alec's prisoner, he again stroked Alec's arm with his fingers, a long light scrape with his nails up the sensitive skin of Alec's inner arm. 

It was too much.  Alec made a sound deep in his throat, and then his whole body was shaking, trying to hold it in.  He squeezed his eyes shut, bit down on his lower lip.

"You don't always have to be in control, Alexander," Magnus whispered into the shell of Alec's ear, and that little tickle against his skin pushed him over the top.  He released a soft cry as his body released.  For long moments, Magnus's hand was the only thing anchoring him to this world. 

The feeling of wetness in his crotch, when he finally came back to himself, revolted him.  He tore his hand away from Magnus and buried his head in his hands.  "I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely.

"For what?  That was lovely."

Through wet eyelashes, Alec looked at Magnus.  "You don't think I'm disgusting?"

"There is nothing disgusting about you."

Magnus sounded sincere, but there was still so much Alec didn't know about him.  "Why does my body do that?"

"Your body has been deprived of touch, and so you are sensitive.  Extremely sensitive."  Reaching out, Magnus took up his wine glass again.  "I want to reiterate how much I enjoy your sensitivity."

"Can you... help me make it stop?"

Raising an eyebrow, Magnus pondered the question.  "I could..."

"But?"

"It would be a shame if you were less sensitive," Magnus said.

"No," Alec said firmly.  "I want to be cured."

"You never told me what number ten on your list was," Magnus said.

Alec's face burned, and he looked away.

"Is it sex?"

He swallowed.  Then nodded.  "I mean, I guess kissing would be before sex.  And... there's lots of other stuff..."

"Perhaps you need to make a new list, then," Magnus said.  "And I could... help you as I did before.  With exposure therapy."

"But I haven't finished my other list yet," Alec said.

"What else was left on that list?  Eating at a restaurant?  Sure, we can do that too.  But we'll need a new list."

"And... you would help me with the new list?"

"Of course."

"Because... before, you wanted me to try the things on my list with other people."

Magnus cocked his head and gave Alec an appraising look.  "How do you feel about me?" Magnus asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want to have sex with me?"

That was the question, wasn't it?  Alec hadn't quite thought it through to the end point.  But... "Yes," Alec said.

"For your therapy only, or because you find me attractive?"

"Both?"  Alec felt his face flush again.  "I mean, you're _beautiful_ , Magnus.  And I like you.  I shouldn't, but I do."

"Why shouldn't you like me?"

"You know."  Alec waved his hand around.  "I'm a Shadowhunter, you're a Downworlder."

"So, you like me as a _friend_?  And Shadowhunters aren't allowed to be _friends_ with Downworlders?"

By Magnus's terse tone, Alec knew he'd said something wrong.  "No, I mean, obviously we can be friends... I guess... I just mean... as far as dating... and sex..."

"Shadowhunters can't date Downworlders?"

"No, well, I guess they _can_ , I just know my parents would not approve."

"But is it _illegal_?  Is it against the _Accords_?  Have you never heard of a Shadowhunter _dating_ – even _marrying_ a warlock?"

Alec looked at Magnus helplessly.  He did know that Shadowhunters could marry Downworlders, just that Downworlders couldn't bear the marriage rune. 

"My parents would disown me," Alec whispered.

"Would they disown you for dating a warlock," Magnus asked, examining his fingernails, "or would they disown you for dating a man?"

That hit the nail on the head, and Alec hunched his shoulders and looked away.  All he could see was the disappointment on his father's face that day.  He had never wanted to see his father look at him that way again.

"And if that is the case," Magnus continued, "what kind of parents are they?"

"They're _my_ parents," Alec said. 

He was glad that Magnus didn't say anything else for a while.  He wished he could scrub the memory of his father's disapproval out of his head.  He wished he could hold Magnus's hand again, because even though it had been uncomfortable, it had felt good at the same time. 

And that's when the realization hit: he did like Magnus.  As much as he wanted to deny it to himself, as much as he hoped he could wash that away, he liked Magnus.  And his parents might not _like_ that, but it wasn't _forbidden_ … not like with Jace.

Sneaking a peek back over at Magnus, he saw that Magnus had one hand resting on his knee, while the other propped up his head in contemplation.  Or irritation.  Alec didn't know which.  Magnus noticed Alec watching him, as Alec lay his hand on the pillow, palm up.

With a smile, Magnus placed his hand in Alec's.


	15. Chapter 15

"Before you go, I would like to ask you a question," Magnus said. 

Alec paused at the door.  He had his clean clothes in a bag, and was still wearing Magnus's clothes.  He was nearing his limit for how long he could tolerate the sticky mess in his pants.  But he couldn't bring himself to shower here, and to put on his own clothes without showering was nearly as bad.

"Sure," Alec said.

"When you arrive home, and get to your room, do you remove your clothing immediately?"

Alec blinked.  "Yeah, pretty much.  If I'm dirty.  Most of the time I'm dirty, so yeah.  I take everything off and put it in my laundry basket."

"I noticed your laundry basket by the door," Magnus said, pressing his fingers into a temple.  "And, by everything, does that include your underwear?"

“Why do you need to know that?” Alec demanded.

“It’s very important to know…” Magnus dropped his voice and said, seemingly to himself, “for later.”

Alec swallowed.  “Okay.  Um, yeah, usually."

"So then you are completely naked."

Fire engulfed Alec's face.  "Yeah, I have to!  Otherwise I'll get germs all over my room!"

Magnus took a deep breath and closed his eyes, that finger temple pressed against his lips.  "Okay.  Thank you.  You may go now."

"Fine," said Alec, annoyed and embarrassed.  "I'll call you?  About dinner?"

"Dinner...?  Oh, yes.  Of course."

"And I'll give you your clothes back."

"Oh, you can burn them if you want.  You mentioned that you burn things that are too unclean?"

"Burn them?"  Alec looked down at the leather pants.  "I can't do that.  They're yours."

"Do whatever you like with them.  I don't need them back.  Okay?  Good-bye, Alec."  Magnus practically shoved him out the door – without touching him, of course.  Alec, in an effort to avoid Magnus's body, found himself shut out in the hallway. 

"Good-bye," he said to the closed door.

Well, that was weird.  As well as those questions.  Why would he ask something like that? 

Magnus’s weird behavior was quickly forgotten as Alec recalled the other, larger events of the evening.  He avoided touching anything with his bare hands the entire walk home, mostly because he liked that he could still feel Magnus’s touch. 

A new list, that occupied his thoughts as well.  He had a lot of things that would go on that list.  Would he and Magnus discuss this list over dinner, out at a restaurant?  It didn’t seem like something he could do in public.  Sure, things like kissing, that would much lower on the list, and not too risqué to discuss.  But… Alec had to stop and gulp for air when he thought of some of the other things he would want to put on that list. 

He couldn’t even imagine saying those things out loud.

Jace was still “out” when Alec got home, which let him go directly to his bedroom and strip down (thinking of Magnus the whole time) and take a long, luxuriously hot shower.  He looked at the clothes in his laundry basket.  _You can burn them_ , Magnus had said.  But Alec didn’t want to do that.  He thought, his face heating up even in the privacy of his own room, that he might like to wear those silky boxer shorts again.

***

Alec heard his mother calling his name as he came up from the laundry room.  He hesitated to set his laundry basket down before going down the hall to where she stood, just outside the library.  But if he carried his laundry with him to talk to his mother, she might see the leather pants (which probably should have been dry-cleaned, but Alec knew dry-cleaning wasn't really _clean_ – so he’d spent the better part of an hour hand-washing them in cold water and they still needed to be hung to dry).  Alec owned lots of leather as part of his Shadowhunter garb, so that might not have tipped her off.  The silky boxer shorts and the see-through black t-shirt (which Alec hadn’t realized was see-through) just might. 

He set the basket down near the stairs, making a note to disinfect the bottom of the basket before setting it down in his room, and went to see what his mother wanted.

“Alec, I need you to tell Jace to come down here,” Maryse said, already walking away as Alec approached.

The question “Why?” was on the tip of his tongue, until he looked past his mother and saw the Inquisitor in the library. 

“I didn’t realize he was back,” Alec said.  He decided not to mention that he had no idea where Jace had been.  “I’ll go get him.”

“Right away, Alec,” Maryse said sharply over her shoulder.  “Try not to wash your hands ten times before you get around it.”

Without responding, Alec ducked his head and turned away.  He snatched up his laundry basket as he took the stairs two at a time.

Luckily he was wearing his gloves; he’d put them back on after washing them after washing the leather pants.  And luckily no one was around to see when he entered his room, kicked the door shut behind him, and dropped his laundry basket on the floor so he could dig his gloved hands into his face.

There was no time for him to be emotional.  He felt his face contorted, ready to cry or scream or something.  But he sucked in deep breaths, and fought to maintain control.  The Inquisitor’s appearance meant something serious was going on, and if it was part of his job as a Shadowhunter, Alec knew he had to put that as a priority over his germophobia.  Which, apparently, his mother _had_ noticed, despite being gone for months. 

And if the Inquisitor was here because of Jace, it probably had to do with Valentine. 

Disinfecting his laundry basket would have to wait.  He dragged in another breath, silently cursing his mother on the exhale, then went to Jace’s closed bedroom door.

For some reason, Alec hesitated.  What if Jace was in there, jerking off?  Or sleeping in his boxers?  Shaking his head of these distractions, Alec tapped on the door.  It didn’t matter if Jace answered the door fully naked.  Alec had a task to complete and he needed to complete it.  No matter what.

There was no answer, and Alec was forced to knock twice more before Jace answered.

The conversation did not go well.

The first problem came when Jace decided that before he went downstairs, he needed to change his shirt.  Alec was wholly unprepared for the sudden revelation of Jace’s six-pack abs, or the blood crusting the discarded shirt.  Revulsion made him turn his head away.  And yet… that flash of skin…

Alec had thought he wouldn’t feel anything for Jace, after what had happened with Magnus.  The familiar sensations of the full-body blushing, the heat coiling in his belly, reminded him of those moments when Magnus stroked his hand.  It felt like a violation.

It seemed he was no closer to being cured than when he’d begun the first list.  Which led to the second problem: Alec telling Jace how annoyed he was that Jace was keeping secrets from him.  Jace did not take that well.  So when Alec tried to show he cared by telling Jace not to be a smartass with the Inquisitor, Jace basically told Alec to take a hike and stalked off to the library alone.

Alec returned to his room and paced for a while, before remembering to disinfect his laundry basket. 

Only when he had washed his hands again and changed his clothes did Alec pull out his phone and text Magnus, _Let’s have dinner tomorrow night_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are curious, the background action here is from _City of Ashes_ now.


	16. Chapter 16

Dinner did not happen the following night, all thanks to Jace.

Part of it was Clary’s fault, demanding that Alec and Izzy help her rescue Jace from the Silent City.  But Alec’s parabatai bond had been twinging, so he couldn’t really blame her there.  And Jace got hurt, which wasn’t really Jace’s fault, either.  It was Valentine’s fault.  But really kind of Jace’s fault, since Jace wouldn’t have been in the Silent City if he hadn’t mouthed off to the Inquisitor.

With all the Silent Brothers killed, and the healing rune doing absolutely nothing, Alec had texted Magnus.

_Magnus I need you_ , Alec wrote, wondering how best to phrase what he needed.

Within seconds, Magnus had texted back.  _I’ll be right there_.  Alec wasn’t sure how Magnus knew exactly where Alec was, or what Magnus had expected to find when he arrived, but clearly he hadn’t expected Alec to need his warlock healing powers. 

_Sorry_ , Alec mouthed to Magnus, who took a moment to assess the situation, as the Inquisitor and Maryse and a whole bunch of other suspicious and upset Shadowhunters watched.

He hadn’t expected Magnus to volunteer to keep watch over Jace at his apartment until he was well enough to be interrogated.  Alec also hadn’t expected the Inquisitor to refer to Magnus as _his_ warlock.  The implication made his cheeks burn.  Luckily Jace was unconscious at that point.

The long story short was that Jace was staying with Magnus indefinitely, which meant Alec’s dinner date with Magnus wouldn’t be happening anytime soon.

“Alec, what a lovely surprise,” Magnus greeted him the following night, when Alec stopped by to visit. 

“Hey,” called Jace from the couch.  He didn’t take his eyes off the screen, which was playing a rerun of Project Runway.  

An annoyed expression came over Magnus’s face.  “Things have not been going well,” Magnus said under his breath, closing the door behind Alec.  “Your parabatai is a terrible roommate.  Oh… You’re not wearing gloves!”

Alec barely had a moment to comprehend the switch in topic when Magnus grabbed his hand. 

“Yeah… I, uh, I’ve been trying… hard,” Alec had to swallow suddenly in the middle of his sentence.  “Um, can you stop… that?”  Magnus had started to stroke his hand again.  Alec pointedly looked at Jace. 

Shoulders sagging, Magnus started to release Alec’s hand. 

“No, you can still… I think I’m okay with you holding it.”  Alec winced as Magnus snatched his hand back up with a huge grin on his face.  “Just not… much more than that.”  Pride swelled in his chest.  He was getting better already.

Magnus sighed.  “This is part of the problem with _him_ being here.”

Chiming in from the couch, Jace said, “Hey, I didn’t ask to be kept here like a prison—”  He had finally turned to look at them, and his mouth hung open for a second.  “Wait, are you guys, like, _dating_?”

“Brilliant observation,” Magnus said, before Alec could think of anything to say.  “It’s amazing, almost like you two have lived together your entire life and share a soul-bond.”

“Yes,” Alec choked out.  Then realized he hadn’t actually labeled what he and Magnus were doing.  But Magnus hadn’t seemed put off about the “your warlock” comment last night, nor had he denied to Jace that they were dating.  He looked at Magnus and squeezed his hand.  “We’re dating.”

“Oh, I thought you were just doing therapy.  That’s cool,” said Jace.  “And you’re not wearing gloves.  That’s pretty awesome too.  Wanna watch TV?”

Magnus rolled his eyes.  He released Alec’s hand and stalked off to the kitchen, where he proceeded to pour himself a very full glass of wine.  As Alec moved to join Jace on the couch, Magnus drained the entire thing.  Then took a swig from the bottle.

“That’s it?” Alec asked, sitting down on the couch.  “I basically tell you I’m gay and your reaction is _Cool_?”

Jace shrugged.  “I don’t know, I guess I kind of knew already.”

“How?”  _Please don’t let Jace have noticed me staring at his ass_. 

Another shrug.  “You never really cared about girls.  So I guess it makes sense that you like boys.  Have you told your parents yet?  About—” Jace motioned to the kitchen and back to Alec, “—this?”

“Are you crazy?”

“No, I’m just the son of the Clave’s biggest enemy, who kissed his own sister,” Jace said.  He twisted around.  “Hey, Mags, you wanna share some of that wine?”

_Mags?_   Magnus looked as dismayed by the nickname as Alec was.  “You, my little problem child, are not the legal drinking age.” 

“That didn’t stop you from giving us drinks at your party a few weeks ago.”

“Ah, yes, the party I _didn’t invite you to_.  Did I _personally_ hand you the alcohol?  _No_.”

Jace rolled his eyes as he twisted back to the TV.  “Your boyfriend’s an ass.”

Magnus dumped the remainder of the wine bottle into his glass.

“So are you feeling better?” Alec asked, to try to change the subject. 

“Oh yeah.  Mags had me patched up in no time.”

Magnus stood beside the couch.  “Wish I’d waited a little longer.”  Before Jace could made another sarcastic comeback, Magnus said, “Alexander, may I speak to you in private?”

Alec followed Magnus down the hall and into a room that was clearly Magnus’s bedroom.  A king-sized bed with rumpled red sheets took up most of the space, and candles covered nearly every surface.  “Why do you have mirrors on your ceiling?”

Waving away the question, Magnus shut the door behind them.  “I’m very disappointed that our dinner will have to be postponed.”  He walked over to Alec and stood very, very close.  Not touching.  But close enough that Alec could touch him, if he wanted to.  Which he found that he did.

“Me, too.”

“I like thinking about you,” Magnus said simply.

When had Alec started smiling?  He wasn’t sure.  Yet his cheeks already hurt a little.  “You do?”

Nodding, Magnus moved his wine glass a few inches, toward Alec’s chest.  “Do you want a sip?”

“Um, I’m good, thanks.”

“Alexander.”  That look.  In the dim lighting, Magnus’s eyes were dark, with just a little gleam of gold.  “Do you remember your first list?”

“Yes…”  There had been something about drinking after someone else on that list.  Alec had assumed they would take care of that when they went to the restaurant.  Two birds with one stone, as Magnus liked to say.  “You mean, you want me to do that now?”

“Why not?”

His heartbeat sped up.  Not so much as when he had a panic attack, but fast enough that he was having a hard time thinking.  The wine glass, with Magnus’s lip prints clearly visible, loomed in front of him.  Alec swallowed hard.  “I just… I’m not… prepared.”

“What does one do to prepare for this?” Magnus asked, raising his eyebrows. 

“I don’t know.”  Alec stared at the edge of the glass. 

“Think of it as a kiss,” Magnus said.

“A what?”  He knew he was looking at Magnus like a deer in the headlights, but he couldn’t help it. 

“A kiss.  What is that awful phrase mundanes use?  Swapping spit?  That’s all kissing is, right?  So think of this,” Magnus indicated the wine glass, “as simply my spit.  We’re swapping spit.”

“That doesn’t help,” Alec said with a grimace.

“Well,” was Magnus’s reply, along with a long sip of wine.  This close, Alec could do little but watch Magnus’s lips touching the glass, their slight pucker and fullness, the way they glistened when he was done and proffered the glass toward Alec again.

He wanted to get well.  And, looking at Magnus’s lips, Alec wanted to be able to kiss him.  Someday.  But first…

He took the glass from Magnus’s hand.  It was impossible for their fingers not to touch in the process, though it only made Alec’s body tingle. 

There were plenty of clean patches of glass along the rim, where Magnus hadn’t put his mouth.  Alec turned the glass around, considering, then stopped when one of the lip prints faced him.  He looked up at Magnus to see if he’d noticed.  Those dark golden eyes burned back at him, bright as any of the candles.  With a lick of his lips, Alec pressed the glass to his mouth, even touching the glass to his tongue, all while keeping eye contact, until that slightly bitter liquid filled his mouth.  He swallowed.  Blinked as the liquor burned a little on its way down his esophagus.  Magnus’s gaze had dropped to Alec’s lips.

Alec bit his bottom lip self-consciously.  Was he ready for kissing now?  His pulse picked up and hammered along as they each, silently, drifted closer.  Their noses were nearly touching.  Alec knew a tilting of the head was necessary for kissing, he’d seen it in movies, but he had never kissed anyone before. 

“Hey, are you guys making out in there?” Jace yelled from the hallway, and they both jerked away, Magnus taking the wine glass with him.  Alec heard Jace chuckling to himself as the door to the bathroom closed.

Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose.  “That boy, I swear…”

Alec, however, couldn’t stop smiling.  Not for the missed opportunity, but for the opportunities yet to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if anyone wants to follow me on tumblr, my url is [spoffyumi.tumblr.com](http://spoffyumi.tumblr.com), I'd love to find a few more Malec blogs to follow! 
> 
> Also, I'm going away on a trip to Ireland next week, so I won't be able to update D: I might be able to do another update in a couple of days before I go but no promises! Hopefully this leaves us all in a good enough place that you're not left hanging ;)


	17. Chapter 17

Instead of taking the wine glass, this time Alec gently nudged Magnus’s hand aside to clear a path.  Those golden eyes darkened, and Magnus’s face softened with the realization of what was coming.  Slowly, Alec leaned forward.  His gaze kept flickering down to those lips.  Not even the tongue peeking out to moisten them could stop Alec.  He wasn’t afraid of germs anymore. 

The kiss felt like falling.  Like he might never be able to stop.  The human mouth might have over 100 species of bacteria living in it, thousands of individual germs, but Alec was thrusting his tongue against Magnus’s, tasting him, wanting more –

Until Magnus suddenly pulled away, and coughed into his hand.

Alec recoiled.

“Sorry, I just had a tickle in my throat,” Magnus said, not letting Alec get too far.  “I’m fine, no need to worry.”

Alec plucked at Magnus’s fingers on his sleeve.  He wasn’t wearing gloves.  He’d thought he didn’t need gloves anymore.  “You have a cold?”

“No, no.  Just a tickle.  No germs.  Please, we should get back to kissing.  It’s on your list, after all—”

“So you’re not sick?  You’re sure?”

“Alexander,” Magnus said, his fingers hooking into Alec’s arm with a sharp sensation, like his black glittery fingernails had transformed into claws.  Alec pushed harder, to no avail.  “I’m a warlock.  Warlocks don’t get sick.”

“Never?” Alec was pulling Magnus along now, as he moved backwards.  “You never ever get sick?  There are no warlock diseases?”

“Well, there is _one_ warlock disease.”  With a sly smile, Magnus made his eyes flash gold.  “Only contracted through kissing.”

“What?” Alec gasped.

His back hit the wall but Magnus kept on coming, the full length of his body pressing against Alec’s.  Against his own throbbing erection, he felt another hardness.  Somehow, he knew that the claws piercing his arms were injecting something into him, some kind of paralyzing venom that made his muscles unresponsive to his brain’s command.  They only responded to Magnus.  They trembled and begged for Magnus’s touch.

He had been trained to fight, could have easily overpowered Magnus, if only his body would cooperate.  But Magnus’s mouth was moving toward his own, and he couldn’t even turn his head away--

Alec woke up coughing.

He sputtered into wakefulness with the same burning feeling he had when he’d been infected with the demon’s venom.  His cheeks flushed, his head pounding, his throat dry and scratchy.  For a few hazy moments he thought the kiss might have actually happened, and he was unable to move.  Then he understood that it had all been just a dream.  He hadn’t kissed Magnus.  Hadn’t contracted some warlock disease.

A cough forced its way out of his throat.

_Was it a dream?_   It was, but still – he had drunk out of Magnus’s glass.  They had “swapped spit.”  Thousands of bacteria from Magnus’s mouth had entered Alec’s.  Oh god.  Alec coughed again and couldn’t stop for nearly a minute.  He flailed out for the water at his bedside.  Hot water, that’s what he would need to disinfect his throat.  Lemon too, the acid would burn away infection.  And honey was a natural antibiotic.

As he began to prepare this concoction, he coughed again.

Immediately he set down the mug and rushed to the bathroom to scrub his hands.  Not just his hands, but his face and every inch of exposed skin.  During this process, he coughed again, and needed to start over, but first he found his face mask and put it on.  This way he wouldn’t re-infect himself.  He dressed so that as much of his skin was covered as possible, then resumed making his hot lemon honey water.

He had never been sick.  Shadowhunters didn’t get sick – their angel blood prevented it.  He remembered his dream, remembered sharing that glass of wine with Magnus.  That must be it.  He’d never before come into contact with warlock germs.  Not directly.  He had held Magnus’s hand, but that wasn’t as risky as mouth to mouth in terms of infection. 

Perhaps it had only taken this long for whatever diseases Magnus carried to infect him – Magnus must only be a carrier, because he had never coughed or sneezed or acted sick in any way around Alec.  Who knew how much damage Magnus had done while healing Alec last week. 

If Alec couldn’t go to Magnus to be healed (which Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to do, anyway, given what happened last time), he would need Jace for a healing rune.  Technically, it could be any Shadowhunter, but Jace would be able to draw the strongest iratze. 

Alec was already in the hallway and walking towards Jace’s room before he remembered: Jace was staying over at Magnus’s.

Back into his own room.  Breathe. Pace.  Regain control. 

Everything would be fine.  He was in control.  He would walk down to Magnus’s apartment.  He didn’t have to touch Magnus, or anything in Magnus’s apartment.  Jace would heal him.   A healing rune would certainly take care of any mundane illness like a cold, or even a warlock illness.  It had to.  Breathe.  Okay.  He could do this.

When Magnus opened the door, Alec was confronted with a pained smile which was immediately replaced with concern as Magnus observed the face mask and the gloves.  “Alexander!  What happened?  Are you all right?”

Alec took a little step backwards, enough to let Magnus know he didn’t want to be touched.  “I just need to talk to Jace,” Alec said, avoiding Magnus’s gaze.  His voice sounded rough and scratchy from all the coughing.

“Oh.  Yes, of course.  Well, he’s still here.  Along with all the others.”

“Others?” Alec looked through the doorway to see Jace, Clary, Simon and Izzy all on the couch, laughing at something on the television as they sipped coffee and ate donuts.  Alec felt a pang that no one had invited him.  “Oh.”  He’d been in such a rush to leave that he hadn’t wondered where Izzy was.  He’d only felt glad that she wasn’t there.  If it had been only Jace and Izzy, he might have gone inside.  But he didn’t want them all to see him like this.  Especially not the mundanes. It was humiliating. 

Magnus stepped out into the hallway and closed the door a little.  “Alexander, if something is wrong, you can tell me.  I could help you.”

“No!” Alec was having a hard time not looking at Magnus.  His eyes kept noticing the tight-fitting vest made of dark purple satin and the matching lacy shirt Magnus wore underneath.  He clenched his fists, which seemed to want to take Magnus by the waist and pull him close.  “No,” he repeated, even though Magnus hadn’t said anything more.

“Come inside.  You and Jace can speak in the guest room.”

“I don’t…”  Now Alec looked at him.  “I don’t want them to see me like this,” he said.  He waited for the shame to appear on Magnus’s face. 

“Of course.”  Magnus waved a hand behind him, and ushered Alec through to the empty room.  “Wait here.”  As Alec passed through the apartment, he could feel the electric buzz of a magical glamour concealing him.

This room was plainer than the room Alec had been in the night before.  The walls were a soothing sage green, with the curtains and bedding in deep forest shades.  Plants grew from elaborate pots on every surface. 

“Alec, what’s wrong?” Jace said as he entered the room and closed the door behind him.  “Magnus said you sounded sick?”

“I’m infected,” Alec said gravely.  “I woke up this morning coughing.”

“But we can’t get sick,” Jace said. 

Alec swallowed; his throat still hurt.  “I shared a glass of wine with Magnus last night.”

“So?” Jace said.

“So?  Obviously I contracted some kind of warlock illness from him,” Alec hissed.  The hissing hurt his throat, and he coughed into his glove.  Ugh, he would have to burn this pair. 

Jace shook his head, making his blond hair fall into his eyes.  “That’s impossible.”

“Obviously,” Alec said through gritted teeth, “it isn’t.”

“Come on, Alec.  Magnus isn’t sick.  Look, I’ve been sharing his apartment for days, and I’m fine.”  Alec glared at him, but Jace kept talking.  “I mean, I hate to break it to you, but your new boyfriend isn’t the cleanest guy.  He’s basically a hoarder.  And he keeps complaining when I try to clean up.  So… you’re gonna have to get used to it if you’re gonna date him.”

“Who said I was going to date him?” Alec snapped, then glanced at the door and lowered his voice.  “Maybe it takes a while to incubate, and you’ll get sick next.”

“You’re being paranoid,” said Jace.

Alec began to roll up his shirt sleeve.  “Will you give me the rune or not?”

“Fine.”  Jace pulled out his stele.  “Can I touch your arm or am I going to be the next to infect you?”

“I was _coughing_ , Jace,” Alec snarled.

Exhaling, Jace took hold of Alec’s arm, but gripped around the shirt sleeve so that only his stele was touching Alec’s skin.  “I’m just saying, sometimes I cough too.  You inhale dust, you cough.  Maybe you get a little panicky and short of breath and you cough.  It doesn’t mean you’re infected.”

The tip of the stele burned over his skin in a soothing, familiar pattern.  “Are you suggesting this is all my imagination?  Can’t you hear how scratchy my voice is?”

“Well sure, but you could make yourself cough too.”

“Why don’t you believe me?”

Jace put his stele away and looked directly at Alec.  Even though Alec could feel the warmth of Jace’s hand still holding his arm, he didn’t feel anything else.  “I believe you,” Jace said finally.  “Just… don’t act like it’s Magnus’s fault, okay?  He’s been doing _you_ a favor by letting me stay here.  He isn’t helping us out because he likes _me_.”

It was true, Magnus was doing Alec a huge favor.  And he had seemed concerned. 

They exited the guest room and Jace jogged back to the couch and vaulted over the back so he was once again sitting beside Simon.  “What’d I miss?”

“When did you get here?” Izzy demanded, turning around.  Her eyes widened.  “Did you sleep over?”

“No!  I just got here a minute ago!”

“Okaaaay.” Izzy didn’t sound like she believed him, but Alec didn’t care.  He needed to find Magnus. 

After searching several cluttered rooms, including the bedroom, Alec found Magnus out on the kitchen balcony. 

“Hey, Magnus,” Alec said.

“Alexander.”  The clipped tone told Alec that Magnus was upset about something. 

“Um, look, I know we talked about going out to dinner, but I’m thinking that isn’t a good idea,” Alec said.

Magnus whipped around.  “I have ears, you know,” he said.

“Wh-what?”

“You think I infected you?” Magnus gestured up and down at Alec.  “That’s what this is all about?  You think somehow I infected you?”

“I was coughing a lot—” Alec started to say, but Magnus made a zip-it gesture.

“If you were worried that I had infected you, why didn’t you say anything when I asked?”

Alec opened his mouth, then closed it.  He took a deep breath.  “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Magnus’s eyes glittered amid the black eyeliner.  “It hurts more to know you didn’t trust me.”

“I’ve never been sick before,” Alec said.  “Not like this.  Not some… mundane illness.”

“It’s called a common cold,” Magnus informed him.  “Although I doubt that’s what you have.”

“Whatever it is,” Alec said, prickling.  “I’ve never had one before.  And all I could think of was how you and I drank from the same glass.  Do you know how many germs there are in your mouth?  That’s all I could think when I started coughing.  How else would I have gotten sick?”

“Psychosomatic illness,” Magnus stated, with a little cock of his head.

“Is that what I have?” Alec asked.  He translated the Greek in his head.  Mind-body illness?  What did that mean?

“I believe it is, yes.  You believe you were exposed to germs.  You believe exposure to those germs would make you sick.  Therefore, you become sick.”

Alec furrowed his eyebrows.  “What – so you think I’m _faking_?”

“That’s not what I said.”  Magnus took a breath and his entire demeanor softened.  “That’s not what I’m saying at all.  I’m sorry.  I don’t have much of a bedside manner, I’m afraid.  Psychosomatic illness can be very real.  There are cases where patients have even gone blind or lost use of their legs, purely because of a psychological disturbance.”

“So you think I’m faking,” Alec said again, softly.

“I don’t.  I think you are so afraid of germs that you are making yourself sick.  Not on purpose.  Subconsciously.”

Alec didn’t know what to say to that.  He felt like an idiot, rushing down here, upsetting Magnus, all because he thought he was sick.  He wished there was a way for his six-foot, three-inch frame to collapse into a small enough pile to crawl underneath something and never come out. 

Instead he took another deep breath and straightened to his full height.  His throat still hurt when he swallowed, but he didn’t feel the need to cough.  Either the healing rune was working, or Magnus was right. 

“So how do I get better?” he asked.

“Well,” Magnus said, looking up at him.  “The more you expose yourself to germs, the more you’ll see that they won’t make you sick.  If you didn’t have angel blood, it might be possible that you were actually sick, you see.  _If_ you were a mundane.  Keeping yourself so protected from germs means your body doesn’t build an immunity, and the first exposure could actually make you very ill.  _If_ you were a mundane,” Magnus repeated.  He stepped a little closer to Alec, and smiled up at him.  “But you are not a mundane.  Which means you are perfectly healthy.”

Alec shoved his hands into his pockets to resist the urge to remove his face mask.  He couldn’t keep his eyes off of Magnus’s lips.  If germs didn’t make him sick, though, he could just kiss Magnus.  It didn’t matter.

But it did matter.  The idea of kissing both attracted and repelled him.  He wanted to do it, but if he did, how would his body react? 

“I changed my mind about dinner,” Alec said suddenly.  “I would still like to go.  With you.  I would still like to go out to dinner with you.”

Magnus’s smile grew wider.  “Fabulous.”


	18. Chapter 18

Alec and Magnus finally had a chance to have that dinner the following night, after Jace insisted on accompanying Clary, Simon, and Izzy to see the Seelie Queen.  Apparently, Magnus had created a loophole in his contract with the Inquisitor, in which he could release Jace from his care so long as another Nephilim took his place.  In this case, Magnus wanted Alec. 

Once the others had gone, Alec had tried not to appear as awkward as he felt. “So, are you allowed to take me out to dinner?” Alec asked, looking around the apartment.  The place looked cleaner for Jace having stayed there.  “Or do we have to stay here?”

“I thought, given what we’ll be discussing, that we would dine here,” Magnus said.  He gestured to the open space between the living room and the dining room.  There was no dining table.

“Oh.  So we’ll be getting take-out then,” Alec said with a grimace.  Take-out was even worse than dining in a restaurant.  Not only was the food prepared by someone else, it was packed up by a second person and the carried through the city to be delivered by yet a third person.

“Not quite.”  With a wave of Magnus’s hand, a small table covered in a white linen tablecloth appeared in the middle of the room.  Two chairs, two gleaming place settings, and a feast of rich foods blinked into view a moment later.  The lights in the apartment seemed to dim, while candles on the table flickered to life.  The warm, savory aroma of Italian food filled the air.  “Will this be all right?”

“Yeah,” Alec said, taking it all in.  “This is actually… better.  Because I don’t have to worry about a waiter touching my food.”

“Good.”  Stepping toward him, Magnus reached out one hand and gently touched his pinky finger to Alec’s bare hand.  The small connection sent tingles throughout Alec’s body, and he hunched his shoulders a bit, anticipating Magnus taking hold of his hand.  Instead, Magnus moved toward the table and pulled a bottle of champagne from a bucket of ice.  Alec exhaled in relief and followed.

This was the first time in two days he’d gone without gloves.  After the coughing scare, he just hadn’t been able to do it.  He had needed a few hours alone to wrap his head around the idea that his fears about getting sick had literally made him feel sick.  A shower, some hot lemon water, and some time to organize his thoughts in his notebook had made tonight possible.

By the time Magnus had popped the cork and poured two glasses, Alec was there beside him.  He pulled out one of the chairs for Magnus to sit in.  Magnus gave him a little smile.  “Thank you, Alexander.”  Alec took his own seat.  “You never fail to surprise me.”

“Well, this is a date, right?” Alec asked, then picked up his glass of champagne.

Magnus just smiled, and they clinked their glasses.  The champagne tasted better than the wine, light and bubbly.  It reminded him of how ravenous he was. 

In the spirit of the evening, Alec allowed Magnus to serve him some of the pasta and salad.  It had been a long time since Alec had been able to eat food prepared by someone else.  He had no idea where this food had been magicked from, but it was good.  Better than any Italian food Alec had ever eaten in the city. 

“Perhaps once all this business with the Mortal Sword is through we can have a proper night out,” Magnus said.  In the candlelight, he looked especially glittery, with his rings and ear cuff and the hot pink glitter on his eyelids.  Had music been playing this whole time?  Alec glanced around, but didn’t see a source for the symphony of strings.  “But for now, I’m happy to have a little time alone with you.”

“Me, too,” Alec said.  

“Let’s discuss this list.”  Now that they were done eating, Magnus settled onto his elbows.  “Just talking,” he said, when Alec moved to find his notebook.  “That way you can make a clean list later.”

“Oh.  Okay.”

“So, beyond holding hands, what else makes you uncomfortable?”

Alec shifted in his seat.  “Um, well… Kissing.  I’ve never… kissed anyone.”

“Really?” Magnus purred.

“Um, and lots of other stuff,” Alec mumbled.

“Let’s be specific.”

Though Alec would have loved nothing more than to be as vague as possible, he had a list.  He’d planned ahead, had thought about things, and made a list.  He needed to be direct and efficient.  “Oral sex,” he said.

“Now we’re talking,” said Magnus, and took a long sip of his champagne.  “Giving or receiving?”

Alec swallowed.  How inexperienced was he that he hadn’t even thought of that?  “Um… I guess I was thinking about… um, receiving?  But both are equally… um, terrifying.”  He winced at that word.  God, Magnus was going think he was a complete coward.  Who was afraid of a blow job?  Most guys would be excited – thrilled! – while Alec just wanted to throw up.  The idea of someone putting their mouth on him was awful.  Although to have someone else’s dick in his mouth was possibly worse.  He was about to change his answer when Magnus spoke.

“Perfect.  That will be fun.  What else?”

_Fun?_   Alec twisted his napkin in his hands.  “Well… obviously… sex.”

Magnus’s eyes gleamed.  Had the room grown even dimmer?  “Skipping the foreplay.  All right.  Sex is fairly broad.  I assume you mean anal sex.”

“Yeah.  I’ve never… had any kind of sex.  Like, the regular kind, or…”  He had to force the word out.  “Anal.”

“Top or bottom?” Magnus asked, with that damned little smirk.

“I never really thought about that.”  Alec tried to take a gulp from his glass.  His hand was shaking.  “I… couldn’t…”  He tried to set his glass down and nearly spilled it.  “Sorry,” he said.  He returned to twisting the napkin again.  Then he felt a warmth on the back of his hand, and looked down to see Magnus’s hand on his. 

The buzzing feeling in his body intensified.  He stared at Magnus’s hand.  It wasn’t moving, wasn’t stroking or caressing or fondling.  Slowly, the buzzing faded, and what he was left with was a warm feeling that made the knot in his stomach unfurl.

“I couldn’t let myself imagine it,” Alec said finally.  “It was too disgusting.”

“Let yourself think of it now,” Magnus said.  “Would you like to fuck me, or would you like me to fuck you?”

Alec had to catch his breath at both suggestions.  The immediate imagery kindled that buzzing again, so intensely that Alec clutched at Magnus’s hand.  “Both,” he said, his voice quavering.

“Very good.”

“I’ve never… done any of these things.”  Alec looked helplessly at Magnus, who showed no signs of nervousness.  “You’re so ol—” Alec stopped himself and rephrased, “I mean, experienced.  You must have had hundreds of boyfriends.”

“And girlfriends,” Magnus said.

“Oh,” Alec said, and for a few moments he couldn’t look at Magnus.  Magnus was bisexual.  Hundreds of… lovers?  What did Magnus want with a virgin like him?  He looked back at Magnus, who seemed to read his thoughts.

“I don’t think any less of you because you are inexperienced,” Magnus said.  “And I think it will be quite pleasurable for me to help you experience these things for the first time.”

“Oh.”

“I have a few suggestions for your list, if I may?”

What else could there possibly be?  “Okay,” Alec said.

“There are degrees of kissing,” Magnus began.  “The chaste kiss, no tongue.  French kissing would be a next step.  Would it disgust you more or less to kiss elsewhere on the body than the mouth?”

Alec was suddenly aware of his own tongue in his mouth, as well as the tantalizing way Magnus was licking his lower lip.  “I guess mouth to mouth kissing is worse?”

Magnus grinned.  “Wonderful.”

“Wonderful?”  Alec shook his head. 

“Yes, wonderful.  Not disgusting in any way.  Now, how do you feel about toys?”

Alec’s raised eyebrows told Magnus everything he needed to know.

“Sex toys, Alexander.  I’m thinking a nice step towards anal sex might be a sex toy.  So that I am not touching you with my bare hand?”

“Oh,” was all he could manage to say.  He cleared his throat.  "Yeah.  That would be better."

“And what about rimming?”

“What’s that?”

Magnus raised an eyebrow.  “You can access Google on that phone of yours, correct?”

“Yeah?”

“Good.  Have you heard of fisting?” 

Heat rushed to Alec’s face.  He hadn’t heard of it, but he could very well imagine what that meant. 

“The other thing I thought you might enjoy is an enema.”

“What?” Alec sputtered.  He knew what an enema was.  It made him think of hospitals.

“It can feel very nice,” Magnus continued.  “And it’s very clean.”

“I don’t know if I can… do any of this.”

“Think about it.”  Magnus waved a hand.  “I also had an idea for the final item on your list.”

“You mean, something _more_ than sex?” Alec’s attempt to keep the panic out of his voice failed.

“Well, I suppose it might be too much to hope for.  Never mind then.”

What on earth could it be?  “Now I’m curious,” Alec said, even though he dreaded the answer.

“Are you sure you want to know?”

It might have been a muscle twitch, completely involuntary, but Magnus’s hand squeezed around Alec’s.  Alec’s muscles tensed and he felt that familiar flooding of sensitivity in his groin.  If he wasn’t hard before, he was now. 

He nodded.

“It would require that you absolutely trusted me,” Magnus said, sliding his thumb across Alec’s knuckles.  “You would need to be completely unafraid of germs and contamination.  In other words, if you could complete this step, you would know that you were fully and entirely cured.”

Alec had no idea what this step might entail.

“You would allow me to tie you up.” Magnus’s eyes had turned dark, so dark in the candlelight.  “And you would let me do whatever I would like with your body.”

He wanted to snatch his hand away from Magnus and run from the room, and never look back.  He wanted to refuse to play this game. 

The idea of being tied to a bed – someone else’s unclean bed, no less – and letting someone do things to him – he couldn’t comprehend it.  He couldn’t breathe for thinking about it.  He couldn’t think.  Except –

His erection told him that his body had different feelings about the situation.

“I know this is not something you could do now,” Magnus said softly, running the pads of his fingers over Alec’s clenched fist.  “And I know I would have to earn your trust first.  But… I can assure you, giving over control like that can be very… satisfying.”

Alec bit down on his lip, closing his eyes briefly to try to calm his body down.

“Golden showers and scat play would never be on the table as anything I’d ask you to indulge in,” Magnus said, as if this cleared anything up.  “Those are hard limits for me as well.”

The feeling of being a naïve virgin threatened to overwhelm him again.  Did Magnus actually believe Alec knew what he was talking about?  All these strange words sounded dangerous and scary and like things he would never ever want to do.  “This is going to be impossible,” Alec whispered.

“Don’t despair.”  Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand one more time, then released him and stood up.  "How would you like to start on this list now, while we have some time?"

Alec looked around at the empty apartment.  "What if they come back?"

"I have a little time-pausing magic, if you're worried," Magnus said.  He held out his hand.  "Come with me to the couch?"

Standing, Alec wiped the sweat from his hands and then took Magnus's hand.  He was led to the same velvet-covered couch he'd lain on before.  Magnus arranged some of the satin pillows, then indicated for Alec to lay with his head on them.

"What are you going to do?" Alec asked.  At least lying down meant his knees wouldn't feel like they were about to give out. 

"Relax."  Magnus reached down and unbuttoned the first button on Alec's shirt.

"Wait, what are you doing?" 

"If you hold still, I won't touch your skin as much," Magnus said.

"Just tell me what you're going to do."

"And ruin the surprise?" Magnus paused, his hands hovering just inches from Alec's chest, where a little draft of air was now touching his skin.

"Yes!  I don't want to be surprised!"

"Darling," Magnus said, and sat on the very edge of the couch near Alec's hip, careful not to touch him.  "I'm only going to kiss you."

Alec wondered if he was missing something.  "And my shirt needs to be unbuttoned for that?"

"I wasn't planning on kissing your mouth," Magnus said archly.

Heat surged through Alec's body as he imagined just where Magnus was planning on putting his mouth.  "No!" he said.  "That's like a blow job."

Magnus laughed.  "I like how your mind works, Alexander.  But no, I wasn't planning on kissing you there."  He looked down at Alec with a soft smile.  "You said you would prefer kisses not on the mouth before a mouth kiss, yes?"

Alec nodded.

One ringed hand returned to the buttons of Alec's shirt and ran up and down the still-closed placket.  The light touch aroused Alec even further, and he sank into the cushions, trying to escape the uncomfortable feeling.  "I thought I might kiss your chest.  Would that be all right?"

Barely able to breathe, Alec nodded his consent.

Slowly, so slowly, Magnus unfastened another button, and another.  Each small movement seemed designed to caress Alec's very nerves.  He squeezed his eyes shut, knowing that the further down Magnus went, the more likely he would notice Alec's erection.   Especially since his shirt was tucked in.  His stomach muscles quivered under the fabric as Magnus approached his navel.  He was so close.

"Alexander," Magnus whispered.

Alec's shirt was still closed.  Still tucked in.  Magnus had reached the last button before the waistband of his jeans.  Alec peeked under his eyelashes.  "Yeah?" he croaked.

"I'm going to untuck your shirt now."

"Okay," he said, the word barely a breath.

The dragging of the fabric so close to his cock was near unbearable.  He gasped a little, squeezing his eyes closed again, gripping the overstuffed velvet cushions.  God, that soft fabric under his hands was a stimulus all its own.  If Alec could focus on anything other than his now exposed chest, his nipples hardening to the sudden draft of air. 

"Beautiful," Magnus whispered.  "May I touch it?"

Alec's eyes flew open in horror, then realized Magnus still wasn't talking about his dick.  Those kohl-lined eyes were staring at his chest.  He blinked, trying to arrange his thoughts.  He had to remember that Magnus's hands had touched him before.  Holding his hand, and that time he was sick, Magnus had placed his hand on Alec's chest.  And what was the touch of a hand, when Magnus intended to use his mouth?

"Okay," Alec managed to say.

The moment Magnus's hand slid along the smooth planes of his pectorals, Alec had to drop his head back.  He could feel the warm hard metal of Magnus's rings, the smoothness of the skin on his palms.  He couldn't focus on visual stimuli at the same time.  He had to close his eyes. 

"You're just so... responsive."  Magnus's breath whispered over his skin just a moment before a warm wetness closed over his erect right nipple.

A sounds escaped from Alec's throat, a strange gasping moan as Magnus's tongue worked over that nub.  His back arched against it, his hands gripped the couch, as his cock throbbed like an incessant baseline inside his brain. 

Was this what kissing felt like?  Alec wasn't sure.  French kissing, maybe.  If his dick would shut up he could think, he could remember why he hadn't wanted anyone's filthy mouth on him -

_How could a tongue deliver so much pressure?_ his brain screamed, and he finally had to gasp, "Stop!"

Magnus pulled away and cold air kissed the wetness. 

"I apologize, I got carried away."  Alec had nearly forgotten about Magnus's hand there, a warm pressure holding him down, until the hand moved.  Alec managed to lift his head to look down at Magnus questioningly.  Magnus looked back at him, kept the eye contact as he bent his head down, and touched his lips to the center of Alec's chest.

No tongue, just a simple kiss.  For one dizzying moment Alec thought he might know what it would look like, and how it would feel to have Magnus down even further, his mouth somewhere else.  He had never imagined anyone, not Jace, looking at him like that.  Like Magnus would gladly take Alec's cock into his mouth, and swallow any of the poison that spewed from it. 

"Are you all right?" Magnus asked.

Alec nodded.  He said hoarsely, "Kiss me again."

The tongue had been too much too soon.  This kissing was pleasant in a way that didn't build more tension – rather, he hummed along on the arousal he'd already gained.  He liked watching and knowing where Magnus would put his mouth.  He liked the soft feel of those lips on his skin.  He wanted those lips against his own.

Biting down on his bottom lip, Alec lay his head back.

Not being able to see meant that each kiss became a surprise.  And perhaps because Magnus had grown more daring, Alec began to feel a little tongue on some of the kisses.  He refused to watch.  His cock thrummed its agreement.  A circle kissed just round the outside of his areola.  Breath hot against his skin, teasing him, promising another kiss, but where?

Teeth gently squeezed his left nipple, while a hot tongue flicked at it.

Alec couldn't hold back his moans.  His legs jerked restlessly, driving his hips toward something.  A pinch around his other nipple, and he let out a strangled cry.  "Magnus, please, I'm going to – I can't – Please don't make me come!"

Pressure released.  "Why ever not?" Magnus asked.

"I can't," he panted.  "Please, I don't want to get dirty."

"Well, we can prevent that," Magnus said, and hands were undoing the fly of Alec's pants.  His eyes flew open, but Alec couldn't release his grip on the couch to stop him. 

"No, please, I don't want to," Alec protested.

"You won't ruin your pants if you're not wearing pants."  Magnus's voice was calm and logical.  Alec, who was having difficulty being logical, could find no argument as Magnus tugged on the band of the black silk boxers until it came to rest under Alec's balls.  Alec stared at his own dick, engorged and veiny and already dripping precome. 

"I'm pleased that you were comfortable enough to wear these again," Magnus said, stroking a bit of the silky fabric.  He looked at Alec.  "You're beautiful," he said, then swung one leg over and straddled Alec's hips.  Against his erection, Alec could feel a distinct bulge in Magnus's tight black jeans.  "Do you feel how beautiful I think you are?"

"I'm not ready for this," Alec said, trying to breathe.

"I never thought to ask you about mutual masturbation," Magnus mused.  He placed his hand on Alec's chest.  "Or hand jobs."

"I thought we were just going to be kissing."  Alec blinked at the sudden prickling in his eyes.  He couldn't look at Magnus.  He wanted this to stop.

"But you're so close..."  A small movement of Magnus's hips rubbed him, and he gritted his teeth against the sudden onslaught of sensation.

"Please," Alec begged.

"All right..."

And just like that, Magnus had dismounted.  All contact gone.  Alec uncurled his fists and hurried to shove his dick back in his pants. 

"You're going to get blue balls," Magnus said.

He had to keep blinking fast, or else he was going to start crying.  "I don't care."

Magnus watched him struggle.  He felt like an idiot, the way he had to get up off the couch to make enough space in his pants for everything to get back in there, all the while his dick was begging for him to stroke it.  "You said we were just going to be kissing," Alec snapped.

"We _were_ only kissing," Magnus said. 

"Kissing isn't like that!" Alec said, finally getting his pants buttoned and whirling to face Magnus.  "Kissing doesn't mean being naked."

"Sometimes it does."

Alec had to take a few deep calming breaths before he could respond.  "I just never imagined my first kiss to be like... that."

For a long moment Magnus stood there, rubbing the fingers of one hand together.  Then, with a little nod, he lay down in the same spot Alec had just been.  He folded his hands over his chest and closed his eyes.  "Fine.  Then I will let you do the kissing."

How did Magnus always do this, leave him gaping and at a complete loss for words?  Alec took the opportunity to shove his erection down – _And stay down_ , he thought to it, like that would help.  Now he could properly assess the situation.

He wondered how long Magnus would lie there with that little smile on his mouth if Alec never got around to kissing him.  The idea of Magnus waiting for long minutes, unsure if Alec would kiss him or not, gave Alec back the courage he had lost. 

Kneeling beside the couch, he realized this was the first moment when he could really look at Magnus without feeling self-conscious.  Before, it had seemed like Magnus was always looking at him, or else Magnus had seemed to glitter and flash and distract him.  Now he could stare all he wanted. 

He had such smooth skin.  No blemishes or scars.  The pink glitter eyeshadow collided with the black eyeliner that had been expertly winged.  Most of all Alec found himself looking at Magnus's lips.  He hadn't expected to want to jump right into this new list, but then again, he had imagined the final item on his first list to be a kiss. 

He also had never imagined himself being the one to initiate the kiss, and perhaps that was what had been so terrifying.  That he wouldn't know when he would be kissed.  Whose mouth he would be kissing.  What foods had entered that mouth.  Alec knew all of that.  He'd had dinner with Magnus.  And the last thing those lips had touched had been Alec. 

The tightness in his pants as he bent over reminded me of why he had been so averse to any touch.  Would this small thing make him... dirty?  He hovered there, only a couple of inches away.  It was one thing to have Magnus's mouth on his skin, quite another to taste Magnus himself, to give those germs an entryway into his body.  Fear froze him. 

_No_ , he told himself.  _I can't get sick from him.  I'm a Shadowhunter.  I have the blood of Raziel in my veins.  No germs can kill me._  

With a sudden surge of confidence, he pressed his lips against Magnus's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of changing the title of this story to "The List" - what do you all think?


	19. Chapter 19

Magnus waited with his eyes closed, his hands folded over his chest. 

He felt like Sleeping Beauty, awaiting a kiss from a prince.  His prince.  Alexander.  He couldn't help but smile when he thought of his Alexander.  Lying here, he anticipated where Alexander's lips might kiss him.  _If_ Alexander kissed him, after the horrendous mistake he had almost made just a few minutes ago.  He hoped Alexander would forgive him for his excitement.  It was so hard when he could clearly see how close to orgasm Alexander was.  How could he not want a release?  But that was the problem.  Alexander feared the release.  

In the long moments while he heard Alexander fussing with his clothes, returning himself back to order, Magnus wondered what might happen if Alexander did not forgive him.

He shouldn't have unzipped Alexander's pants, for starters.  But he thought his logic would make sense.  Alexander was so concerned about being dirty, about wearing dirty clothes, even though just a few nights ago, Alexander had come in his pants and refused to shower.  _Perhaps that had been too much, too soon as well..._ Then, when Magnus had seen Alexander's lovely cock, he hadn't been able to stop himself.  He'd already been half-aroused himself from listening to Alexander's groans of pleasure, and then, to see that massive erection – it was so much bigger than he'd imagined – well, he was getting hard just thinking about it again.

The way Alexander had just stuffed it away, like he didn't care about getting off, Magnus didn't understand that at all.  And now he was lying here with his eyes closed, hoping this strange and beautiful young man would understand that Magnus had simply been excited. 

It had been weeks of waiting.  Weeks of knowing how easily he could bring Alexander to climax.  Weeks of masturbating to thoughts of Alexander stripping down naked every time he entered his room.  It would drive any man to the brink.

Magnus knew he needed to have much more patience than he had shown here tonight.  He prayed that Alexander would give him another chance.  Magnus had been on this earth for over 400 years.  He could wait a few weeks more. 

_Please, Alexander..._

Contrary to what he had told Alexander, he hadn't actually stopped time.  No, that was a complicated and sometimes deadly spell.  Magnus had stopped the clock on the mantle from ticking and paused the clock apps on their phones, which was much simpler and gave the illusion of time stopping.  Which meant Jace, Clary, and Isabelle could return at any moment. 

Beside him, he felt Alexander kneel down on the plush carpet. 

He waited.  And waited.

As much as he would love to tie Alexander up and have his way with him, Magnus was beginning to like the idea of Alexander doing the tying.  He would gladly submit to Alexander's control.  Like now.  The anticipation was nearly as stimulating as any touch.

Gradually, Magnus became aware of Alexander breathing very close to his face.  He could smell the musk of him, some cologne scent made sharper by sweat.  Where would Alexander choose to kiss him?  He hadn't touched Magnus's shirt to open it.  To be fair, that would have been a complicated task, as Magnus was wearing a shirt with a high collar that buttoned all the way to his throat and fastened with a gold broach. 

Perhaps he would choose the neck.  Magnus had always enjoyed necking.  The skin there was so sensitive, which was the reason why Magnus had instead chosen Alexander's chest.  Well, that and he wanted to admire all those rune-tattooed muscles. 

It was an exquisite torture not to move his lips when he could feel Alexander's soft breath on them.  This might be better than kissing.  The moment before the kiss.

And then Alexander's lips touched his, and he forgot all else.

***

Alec had somehow not expected Magnus's lips to be so soft. 

He had not expected that such a simple thing as mouths touching would feel so good.

The thumping baseline in his groin had returned, telling him to part his lips, to press his tongue against Magnus's, to lie down on top of Magnus, to grind his hips against Magnus’s.  Good thing Alec had his hands gripping the velvet couch again, to brace himself against these terrible impulses.  He did not part his lips. 

How long was a kiss meant to last?  He wasn't sure, so he started counting.  _One – two- three – four – five – six – seven – eight – nine -_

On ten he pulled away, just a few inches.  Then a few inches more as Magnus had lifted his head to continue the kiss.  Alec watched those glittery eyes flutter open and drink him in. 

This close, he could see how dilated Magnus's pupils were.  He wondered if his own looked like that. 

"Alexander," Magnus whispered.  "That was lovely."

"It was okay?" Alec said with a cringe.  "Did I do it for long enough?  I mean, I could try again."

"It was lovely," Magnus repeated.  "But by all means, I don't mind if you would like to practice."

Alec licked his bottom lip and looked at Magnus's lips.  His knees trembled, and he knew he couldn't.  "I think I need to stop."

"Whatever you need, Alexander.  I realize I pushed you too far earlier, and I'm sorry."

Swallowing, Alec sat back on his heels.  God, his pants were so tight.  He stuck his hands between his knees and squeezed.  It wasn't helping.  His voice sounded strangled when he said, "Can I use your bathroom?"

"Of course."

Alec hurried off to shut the door behind him.  He unspooled a few yards of toilet paper, then, carefully, undid his pants and removed them entirely.  Bracing himself against the back of the toilet, he took care of himself.  No matter how much toilet paper he used, it never helped it to feel any less disgusting.  Only in the shower did he feel halfway clean when he came, and even after that he had to scrub the entire place with bleach.  He couldn't shower here, so this was what had to happen. 

He washed his hands three times and was about to wash his face when he remembered what Magnus had said.  He had to avoid these escape responses. 

In the mirror, his lips didn't look much different than usual.  He'd only kissed Magnus once.  But his shirt was open, and his nipples looked very red.  He hastily buttoned his shirt and tucked it back in.  His dick twitched again at the memory of Magnus's lips on him.

He rubbed at his face.

He couldn't be sure if this had been a success or a failure.  If the goal was to not come every time somebody touched him, well... then it was a total failure.  Cheeks burning, he thought about all the times Magnus had seemed delighted in his "responsiveness."  It didn't seem to be a complaint. 

His fingers touched his lips, and he smiled.

While he had been in the bathroom, he had heard some movement in the apartment – doors opening and closing, Magnus walking around.  Alec wasn't sure what to expect when he emerged.  It certainly wasn't Magnus in a floral-patterned silk robe, refilling the glasses of champagne.

"Oh," Alec said, his eyes catching on the colorful fabric.  It was clear that Magnus was wearing nothing underneath.

"More champagne?" Magnus held out the glass.  When Alec was too busy staring to take it immediately, Magnus looked down at himself.  "Yes, well.  I had to... take care of business.  Then I thought I'd slip into something more comfortable.  I have another robe if you'd also like to –"

Alec snatched the glass and downed half of its contents.  "Uh, no thanks."  He felt like he was already sweating.  "Is it me or is it hot in here?"

Magnus smirked.  "It's you."  He drifted toward the couch.  "Bring your notebook.  Let's work on that list.  I have a few more things to add."

_More things?_   Alec wasn't sure he was prepared for more.  But he obediently took his notebook out of his bag and knelt beside the coffee table to write.  Now that there was a safe distance between them, Alec could focus better. 

After numbering from one to ten along the side of the page, Alec looked at Magnus expectantly.  Magnus had chosen to sprawl across the length of the couch.  Luckily, his robe was long enough to cover everything necessary.

"So, we only came up with a few items for your list over dinner, and we covered some of them already.  We still have—" Magnus ticked off on his fingers, "French kissing, blow jobs, and sex."

"Wait, what about all those other things you mentioned?  The... um..." Alec winced.  "Enemas?"

"You only need to add the things you would like to experience."

That made things a little easier.  He moved to write "French kissing" under number one, but Magnus stopped him.  "I have something you might find easier than kissing."

"Easier?"  Actually, kissing hadn't felt so bad.

"Hugging," Magnus said.

Why the hell did that simple suggestion make Alec blush?  He dropped his chin.  "That would be nice to try," he managed to say.

"Would hugging make you more or less uncomfortable than French kissing?"

Alec thought about it.  With French kissing, that was mouth to mouth.  More germs.  Hugging didn't involve that much skin contact.  Maybe near the neck, or the hands.  But mostly not.  Boldly, Alec said, "I think I could do hugging.  That would be easy."

"Good.  Put that as number one, then.  And how would you feel about a massage?"

Alec froze with his pen hovering over the page.  "What kind of massage?" He asked.  "The kind with a _happy ending_?"

"No, no.  Just a simple deep tissue massage."

An unintentional shudder ran through his body as he tried to imagine someone's hands – Magnus's, probably – touching him.  Everywhere.  Well, not everywhere.  Didn't people usually wear a towel?  So no erogenous zones, which would be less scary that Magnus sucking on his nipple.  Hands... everywhere... 

"Massages are quite relaxing, usually," Magnus said.

Alec realized his mouth was frowning.  "I don't think it would be very relaxing," he said.  "I would probably... you know..."  He muttered the next few words, "get all horny."

Instead of making a joke, Magnus simply said, "So we'll put that higher on the list."

Alec wrote French kissing next.  He had very nearly French kissed Magnus tonight.  But of the options left, he wasn't entirely sure what was the next most terrifying thing.

"Alexander, I really do apologize for my behavior earlier.  I have to confess to you, I didn't realize how difficult it would be not to touch you."

"It's okay," Alec said, shifting his weight back on his heels. 

"It isn't okay.  You need to be able to trust me, and I very nearly broke that trust."

It was strange, how nervous Magnus looked.  Like he wasn't sure Alec would forgive him.  But his confession reminded Alec that yes, they were dating.  He hadn't even though about what that meant – being a boyfriend who didn't like to be touched - and how unfair that was to Magnus.

"I forgive you."  Alec looked Magnus in the eyes, and said this very seriously, so that Magnus would know he meant it.  "And I hope you'll be patient with me.  I do want to do these things with you.  I just... need time, I think.  Sometimes," now he looked down at his miserable excuse for a list, "I feel like I'm making no progress at all."

Magnus sat up, giving Alec a flash of his very nicely muscled legs.  "That is completely untrue.  You've made a lot of progress.  You've completed your first list."

"And I'm still not cured," Alec said.

"In some ways, you are," Magnus insisted.  He gestured to the table.  "Do you remember our first date, in the café?  How you had to set your notebook on a napkin to keep it free of germs?"

Alec looked down.  He had placed his notebook directly onto the coffee table.  He _had_ checked to make sure it was a clean surface first - it seemed like either Magnus had a housekeeper or he used magic to keep his loft clean, for the wood gleamed without so much as a scratch.  But he hadn't felt the need to protect it from the potential germs of a housekeeper or warlock magic. 

"And you haven't worn gloves all night," Magnus said.

Maybe he _was_ getting better.  He had somehow expected the cure to come upon him all at once, that he would magically be comfortable with touching everything.  Of course the cure wasn't magical; he had known that from the start.

He nodded, and Magnus smiled before having another drink.

Eventually, with lots of help from Magnus to explanation a few things, he managed to complete his new list:

  1. Hugging
  2. French kissing
  3. Stimulation with a toy
  4. Massage
  5. Penetration with a toy
  6. Oral sex (receiving)
  7. Rimming (possible enema before/after)
  8. Anal sex
  9. Oral sex (giving)
  10. Magnus's Special



Seeing it all laid out like this made it feel less daunting than it had during their conversation at dinner.  Some of the things might end up being two steps, since he still wasn't sure if he was a top or a bottom.  Magnus said that was okay not to know, because it would be fun to switch.  Now that he had given himself permission to think about it, he thought that with Jace, he would have been a bottom.  But with Magnus, he thought he might be a top.  Alec wasn't entirely sure how that all worked. 

He put down his pen. 

"I guess you can start time back up now," he said to Magnus.

Magnus nearly choked on his champagne.  "Certainly," he said through the sputtering, and waved his hand.  The clock over the mantle started ticking again. 

"So now we have a little while before they come back, right?" Alec asked, standing and stretching his knees.

"We should..." Magnus raised an eyebrow.

"Um... maybe we could watch Project Runway," Alec suggested.  He took a few, sauntering steps toward the couch where Magnus was laid out.  "And... hold hands?"  As the words left his mouth, he wished he could facepalm.  God, holding hands sounded like nothing after the discussion of the new list.

But Magnus's face lit up, and he sat up to make space beside him on the couch.  Alec only hoped holding hands wouldn't make him hard again.  He felt large and awkward beside Magnus, who curled up against him like a cat.  "Is this okay?" Magnus asked as the length of their arms touched and their fingers intertwined.

Alec tried his best to breathe through the exquisite sensation of Magnus's fingers in-between his own.  Now there was a place no one had touched him in a very long time.  "I'm okay," he said.

Magnus nodded, and placed his head on Alec's shoulder.  "And this?"

"Yes," Alec exhaled.  "Just...maybe don't move your hand for a while." 

With the distraction of the television, and their hands quietly laced together, Alec's breathing returned to normal. _I can do this_ , he thought, and smiled to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus: Magnus's reaction to Alec's new list:  
> 


	20. Chapter 20

Even before he opened his eyes, Alec knew something wasn't quite right.  The light was coming at him from the wrong direction, and the pillow pressing into his face felt nubbly, not smooth like his pillowcase.  And the pillow smelled like Magnus.

He shot to a seated position. 

Then he remembered.  He was at Magnus’s apartment.  He and Magnus had been watching TV until…

“Different couches,” Magnus said from the other couch in the room.  He was still wearing his silky robe, and had a woven throw pulled over him.

“What?” Alec asked.

“We fell asleep on different couches.  Or rather, you fell asleep, and after I tucked you in, I moved to the other couch,” Magnus explained, stretching.  “Come to think of it, we did not discuss bed sharing as part of your list.”

Alec ruffled the hair on the back of his head and looked down at the quilt tucked around his legs.  It seemed to be made of old saris.  The fabric felt nice against his palm, until he realized what he was doing.  He pulled his hand into his chest and held it there.  Trying to refocus on the conversation instead of the germs he had just smeared all over his hand, he said, “I figured bed sharing was part of sex.  You know, after.”

“Or,” Magnus said, rolling slightly and settling back onto his pillow, “it can be fairly platonic.  I’m sure you and your _parabatai_ have shared a bed.”

Alec didn’t want to think about that.  “Yeah,” he said shortly, and using just his thumb and forefinger to hold the blanket, removed it from his legs and stood up.  The clock on the mantle said it was after ten. “So Jace isn’t back yet?”

“Doesn’t appear so.”

“That doesn’t alarm you?  What if the Seelie Queen did something to him?  Or to any of the others?  My sister?”

“You have the parabatai rune.  I would assume you’d the first to know if something happened to him.”

He relaxed a bit.  He hadn’t felt anything from the rune.  That made him feel better.  But something still could have happened to Izzy and he wouldn’t know.  He didn’t really care about Clary or the mundane.

“I’m sure they’re fine,” Magnus said.  “How about some breakfast?”

Alec ruffled the hair on the back of his head as he watched Magnus pulling plates and glasses out of the cabinets.  “You cook?” he asked, feeling a little nervous about the prospect.  Last night the meal had appeared out of nowhere, no germs involved.  Watching Magnus prepare a meal would be quite another situation.  Alec was still holding his contaminated hand in a fist.  He hadn’t washed his hands since last night, before all the hand-holding.  His mouth also felt disgusting.  Probably because he hadn’t brushed his teeth last night, but it probably had a little to do with the kissing.

“Me?  Cook?”  Magnus laughed.  “No, I was just going to magic in something from the café across the street.”

“Magic in?  Like the food last night?”

“Yes.”  Magnus stopped and leaned against the little table in the dining room, which Alec was only now noticing had been cleared of all the Italian food.  Alec couldn’t remember when the cleaning had happened.  That must have been magic as well.  “I’m afraid I spoiled you with that, I imported the meal last night from Rome.”

Alec’s eyes widened.  “You just stole someone’s meal?” he asked.

“I like to think of it as borrowing,” Magnus said.

“And… you’re going to do the same thing now?  Just steal someone’s order from the café?”  Somehow, the café being closer made this seem even worse.

“Borrow,” Magnus clarified.

He wasn’t sure how to feel about this.  “Do you do that for every meal?” Alec asked. 

“No,” said Magnus.  “Only special ones.”

Making himself breathe and calm down, Alec tried to follow Magnus’s reasoning.  It was only once in a while.  And the restaurant or café would just remake the missing order when the customer complained.  “So you don’t feel bad that someone might be waiting and waiting for their food and they have to complain to the manager that they never got it, and have to wait for another meal to be made for them?”

“I could run down to the café and place a real order, if that’s what you’re concerned about,” Magnus said.  “But you know you can’t leave until Jace returns.”

That last bit distracted him momentarily.  The walls seemed to close in on him.  He was trapped here.  He wouldn’t be able to shower or get fully clean until Jace came back.  And what if Jace didn’t come back?  What if he had to stay here for _days_? 

“Yeah,” Alec said, a little breathlessly.  “Um… do you think I could… take a shower?”  He glanced at the bathroom he had used last night.  It would be okay.  It was fairly clean.  Then he looked down at his clothes.  “Um…. And could I wash my clothes?”

Magnus set the last glass down at the table.  “Are you alright, Alexander?”

“I’m fine,” Alec managed to say.  “I just need to take a shower.”

“Whatever you need.”  Magnus stepped into the hallway.  “There are clean towels in the bathroom, and a robe for you.  Just leave your things in the hall and I’ll put them in the washer.”

The dread knot in Alec’s stomach clenched.  There hadn’t been any robe in the bathroom last night.  When he entered the bathroom, he saw what Magnus had done.  There was a brand-new, fluffy white robe still encased in plastic.  When had Magnus had time to magic a robe from a store?  Just now, or had he already thought of it?  The sight eased his worries. 

Behind the closed door he stripped down, then immediately got into the shower.  The sting of the hot water washed away the rest of his anxiety.  That had been close.  For a moment there he thought he wouldn’t be able to do this.  Any of this – the list, being Magnus’s boyfriend…

But things were okay.  He had kissed someone, which had been the worst thing he could think of the first time he’d made a list.  And he had liked it.  Even now he could feel Magnus’s lips against his…

_Tainted_ , his mind whispered.

He scrubbed his face, though the sensation in his lips remained.  _I’m not tainted_ , he scolded himself.  _It was just a kiss.  Not even with tongue.  People kiss all the time and they’re fine.  Kissing isn’t dirty.  Just like sex isn’t dirty.  Magnus doesn’t think so, anyway._

_Just because you like it doesn’t mean it isn’t dirty_ , his mind whispered.

Alec swallowed hard and scrubbed himself harder.  He had to clean down there.  It didn’t feel as bad as it had the time Magnus made him come in his pants, but it still felt dirty.  He closed his eyes, letting the hot water wash over his face, as he remembered the way Magnus had caressed his cock through the silk boxers. 

Fuck, he was hard again. 

_Just because you like it… Just because Magnus said…_

_Tainted…_

_Dirty…_

He turned the knob until the water became icy needles against his skin.  That calmed the throbbing.  But he was having a hard time breathing.  His heart responded to the lack of oxygen by beating faster.

Quickly he rinsed off all the soap and stepped out of the shower.  He nearly lost his balance, and frantically looked for a clean surface to hold onto.  The robe!  He put his hand down on the plastic until he regained stability, then ripped the package open and covered himself.  Magnus had said the towels were clean, but how could Alec know that?

And how could he know the floor was clean?  His feet were on the bathmat, which was probably even dirtier than the tiled floor.  Oh, god.  Alec found that he couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe, and his left arm hurt. 

Air rasped in his throat. 

For long moments fear paralyzed him: he couldn’t move from that spot, couldn’t do much more than try to suck air into his lungs and try not to collapse onto the dirty floor.  His knees felt weak; he lowered himself into a squat and curled his arms around his head.  Every fiber of his muscles shook.  When he blinked sometimes his vision did not return right away.

A knock on the door.  “Alexander, I can take your clothes if you want me to wash them.”

He tried to respond, but only a gurgled wheeze emerged from his throat.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m dying,” he managed to say.

The door of the bathroom opened.  Alec couldn’t even see him from the cocoon of his arms, not until Magnus crouched down about a foot away from him.  Then Alec was able to try to convey the emergency of the situation with his eyes.

“Are you hurt?” Magnus asked.

“I’m dying,” Alec repeated, then had to stop and suck in air.

“You’re not dying,” Magnus said.  “You’re having a panic attack.”

Alec looked at him sharply. 

“Remember on the train?  This is like that.  But you can control it.”

“How?”  If anything, his heart was beating faster.  The bathroom walls felt like they were closing in on him.

“Take a deep breath.  Now hold it, and count to ten.”

This didn’t seem like something that would help.  He could barely breathe, how was he supposed to even take a deep breath?  Alec made it to four before he had to exhale.  “I can’t do this,” he gasped.

“Try again.”

Alec tried.  He managed to count to six. 

“Focus on your breathing.  Try counting as you inhale.  Then hold the breath for the same number before you exhale.  Even when you exhale try to keep the same count.”

On the next breath Alec got to five.  He was able to hold for five and exhale for five.  The next breath he made it to eight.  Held for six, exhaled for six.  He was certain this would not work.  But the counting gave his brain something to focus on, and by the time he was able to count to ten, his vision had cleared, and his heartbeat had stopped knocking against his ribs. 

“Can you stand up?” Magnus asked.

“In a minute,” Alec told him.  And he could, after a few more breaths.  He looked around the bathroom, and tried to figure out what to do.

“I can magic up some new clothes for you,” Magnus suggested when Alec’s gaze had drifted to his dirty clothes on the floor.  “I could even steal them from your own closet.”

“I…” He stopped himself from saying he was fine.  “Maybe just some socks?”

“Certainly.  Hold out your hands.”

“I don’t think I can hold your hand right now,” Alec said, his fingers curled up protectively.

“I’m going to deposit the socks directly into your hands.  So nothing else touches them between your bedroom and here.”

A cool relief washed over him, and he cupped his hands.  There was a tingle of magic, and then there were socks.  Even though the bathmat was probably full of germs, Alec felt better with the socks on.  “I’m sorry,” he said, following as Magnus gathered up his dirty clothes and carried them to the washing machine. 

“Setbacks are to be expected.  We made a lot of progress in one night.  You might have expected that you were fully cured because we completed the first list, but these things take time.  Your mysophobia is also a habit.”

Alec nodded, but none of this made him feel any better.  He didn’t want to have panic attacks anymore. 

“I can tell you’re being hard on yourself,” Magnus said, closing the door to the laundry room. 

“I just don’t think I’m going to be a very good boyfriend, if this is what’s going to happen every time.”

“There are times when I wish you weren’t so aversive to touch,” Magnus said, and Alec felt his heart sink.  “Only because I want to comfort you.  I would love nothing more than to hug you when I see you struggling.  But I don’t for one second wish we weren’t dating.”

“Really?”

The meeting of their eyes felt almost like a touch. 

“I knew what I was getting into when I asked you out, Alexander.”  Magnus looked like he was going to say something more, but then he half-turned toward the kitchen.  “I don’t suppose you’re still hungry for breakfast?”

“Not really,” Alec said.  “Well, maybe some orange juice would be good.  And coffee.”

“Perfect.”

When they entered the dining room, Alec noticed that only one plate held a stack of pancakes smothered in butter and syrup.  The other plate was clean except for a small box tied with a ribbon.

Magnus gestured for Alec to sit at this seat. 

“What’s this?” Alec asked.  He didn’t touch the box.  He drained the glass of orange juice first.

“A little gift for you.”

Alec ran his palms against the soft white robe.  “Oh.”

“Would you like me to unwrap it for you?”

“Yes,” Alec said, relieved.  Magnus picked up the little box, while Alec put some sugar in a steaming mug of coffee.

With his glittering fingers, Magnus tugged off the ribbon and opened the box.  Inside, an old-fashioned silver key sat on a bed of cotton.  “It’s a key to my apartment,” Magnus said, confirming Alec’s suspicions.  “It might be a bit soon, but I’d like for you to think of this as a safe place.  I wouldn’t even mind if you wanted to come in and clean it as you see fit, so that you’re more comfortable here.”

“That’s… a big step,” Alec said.  “In a relationship.  Right?  I mean, I’ve never… done any of this.”

“Yes, it’s a big step.  But I think this is important for you.  For this relationship.”

Alec nodded.  He knew it was important.  Of course, he wanted to be able to not have to change his environment to account for his germophobia, but at the same time, he couldn’t always go running to his bedroom when he needed a safe space.  “Thank you,” he said, giving Magnus a small smile.

“And of course, I wouldn’t mind if you needed to disrobe completely at the door every time you came over,” Magnus said.

He could feel his face turn scarlet, even though he had to smile.  “So _that’s_ your ulterior motive,” he said.

“Alexander, did you just make a joke?”

“It’s been known to happen.”

Magnus laughed.

A pounding at the apartment door had them both jumping in their seats.  “Magnus, it’s me,” Jace called.

“His timing continues to be terrible,” Magnus said to Alec as he got up and let Jace in. 

Upon seeing Jace’s bedraggled appearance, Alec stood up and demanded, “What happened to you?”

“Oh, did I interrupt something?” Jace flung an arm to indicate Alec and Magnus.  Alec realized suddenly how it must look, the two of them hanging around wearing robes.  “Yeah, I just had the worst night of my life, thanks for asking.”

“What happened?” Alec asked again.  

“Oh, just the Seelie Queen made Clary kiss me, and Simon’s a vampire now.  Yeah, this is grave dirt.  So, everything’s great, basically.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you well-versed in the books, Magnus actually gives Alec a key to his apartment before this point. Of course, Magnus also gives Alec hickeys well before this point too... I love filling in all the missing details from the books, their relationship was so behind the scenes!
> 
> Also:   
> 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I need to apologize in advance for this chapter... After this week's episode I'm sure you all want something much happier than this chapter... I might have another story to go with my one-shot "Make It Work" by the end of this week and I might be able to get a new chapter up by tomorrow night so you are not suffering! I'm sorry!

“I hope you had a nice _date_.”  Jace flopped down on the couch, and Alec felt himself wince.  That couch was contaminated now.  Grave dirt, vampires…

“It _was_ nice,” Alec said.  Magnus had gone to get dressed, but Alec was stuck in a robe until his laundry was done.  “But I was worried about you.  I’m glad you’re back safe.  Izzy’s okay, too, right?”

“Yeah.  And I got to kiss my sister.  You heard that part, right?”

“Yeah.”

Jace laid his head back on the couch and closed his eyes.  He looked exhausted. 

“Do you… need a healing rune?” Alec asked.

“No.”  Jace didn’t open his eyes.

Alec didn’t know what to do or what to say, so he said nothing.  He just carefully sat down on the other couch, the one Magnus had slept on, making sure that his robe was covering any part of his body that would have otherwise come into contact with the cushions.

He’d never felt so distant from his friends before.  Friends – ha.  Jace was his only friend, really.  Izzy was his sister, and Clary and Simon definitely weren’t Alec’s friends. 

Jace had never shut him out before.  It felt terrible.  Alec wondered, glancing down the hallway, if this thing with Magnus had anything to do with Jace’s attitude.  He didn't know why it would.  As he looked at Jace now, a flood of emotions pressed him deep into the couch cushions.  He'd never been able to admit it even to himself before last night, not after his father had caught them sleeping on the floor together.  Alec had barely understood what he felt for Jace. 

His father had labeled it for him.  Disgusting.  Unclean.  Dirty.  Something that must be eradicated at all costs.

For the past five years, whenever he had looked at Jace, he had to do so carefully.  If he looked too long, or allowed himself to think certain things, his body warned him to stop.  His body warned him in the same way it warned him whenever Magnus touched him.  But... it wasn't wrong to feel that way about Magnus.

With his blond hair, his strong jaw, the muscled torso and arms that Alec had to see over and over again as they trained and drew runes on each other, Jace had been the type Alec thought he wanted.  But now, looking at Jace, Alec didn't need to know what Jace's lips felt like.  He could only think of Magnus's lips.  Jace wanted Clary, despite the fact that they were brother and sister.  And that was as much a reason why Alec couldn't find that same warning signal he was used to when he looked at Jace anymore.  He wanted to unbutton Magnus's shirt and see what lay there.  Maybe kiss Magnus like Magnus had kissed Alec. 

A door opened down the hallway and Alec shook his gaze away from Jace.  "I should probably check on my laundry," Alec said to Magnus, standing up, only realizing his error a moment too late.  He sat back down and shoved his hands between his legs.  

Magnus's eyes flicked down and then away.  "Yes, I believe the washer is finished."

At least Jace was snoring.  Alec took a few deep breaths and summoned the feeling of a cold shower.  Then he was able to get up and finish his laundry.

***

When Jace wasn't sleeping, he was watching reruns and trying to call Clary.  All three of these activities seemed to annoy Magnus.  Eventually, to escape the tension, Alec went home and brought some of his things over, including supplies to clean the bathroom.  It certainly needed cleaning after Jace had used it – there was dirt and blood everywhere. 

Once, when Jace had dozed off during an episode of Gilligan's Island, Alec had tried to approach Magnus, who seemed to be hiding in his room.  "Jace is asleep," Alec said softly from the doorway. 

Magnus was not visible.  There were rolling racks of clothing in the room that Alec had never seen before, which had apparently once been inside a walk-in closet.  Magnus's voice came from the far corner.  "And?"  A bright green feather boa was flung into the middle of the room, on top of a pile of discarded fabric. 

Alec wound his way around the racks to try to find Magnus within.  When he did find Magnus, he seemed to be wading in a pile of even more clothing.  "And... Sorry, I guess you're busy."

"Yes," Magnus said.  He held up an embroidered tunic.  "What do you think of this?"

"It's pretty." 

"Pretty?"  Magnus made a face and held it up near his face.  "Does the color make me look washed out, or was Camille just being a bitch that day?"

Alec's mouth twitched into a half smile.  Camille?  As in Camille Belcourt, the former head of the vampire clan in New York?  "It doesn't make you look washed out," he said.  "You look good in that shade of purple."

"Hmmm." 

"You knew Camille?"

"Of course," Magnus said.  "She was my lover for many years."

The statement had the effect of a slap in the face.  Alec actually stepped backwards.  "Oh," he said.  He wasn't sure what else to say. 

"You are aware that I am over 400 years old," Magnus said, tossing the tunic aside, like Alec's opinion hadn't mattered.  He glanced at Alec. 

"Yeah, I know," Alec said.  "I mean, it's fine.  I just... I didn't know how you knew her."

"I know Raphael.  Why wouldn't I know Camille?  Do you think I only hang out with other warlocks?  We Downworlders don't mind commingling."  The way Magnus said _commingling_ made it sound like an orgy.

Alec didn't quite know what to do or say now.  He wasn't even sure why he had come in here anymore.  There had been some vague hope that he and Magnus might have some alone time, but it didn't seem like Magnus was in the mood for that.  Was Alec's list – their list – something Alec needed an appointment for?  Did he need to schedule dates with Magnus, even though he was basically living here?  He shoved his hands in his pockets and fingered the key Magnus had given him.

By this point, Magnus had gone back to tossing clothes, so Alec left and went to sit on the couch with Jace, who – since he was sleeping – wasn't going to make Alec feel uncomfortable.

He thought a lot about the list, when he wasn't listening to Jace whine about Clary not returning his calls or texts.  He had to stop thinking about the list when he accidentally fell asleep thinking about it.  He was only glad that he had been in the guest room, by himself, when he woke up like that. 

Neither Jace nor Magnus said anything when Alec started wearing his gloves the following day.  Alec couldn't risk an accidental touch with Magnus, not if his body was going to respond like that. 

He was almost relieved when Clary finally did call two days later – although it ended up being Simon using Clary’s phone.  Jace threw on his leather jacket and was ready to leave in seconds.  “Tell me what’s going on,” Alec demanded.

“I’ll tell you and Magnus on the way,” Jace growled.

Alec looked helplessly at Magnus, who had spent most of the day reading on the balcony with Chairman Meow on his lap.  He’d only come inside when Jace had started getting upset on the phone.

“I’ll get my cape,” said Magnus with a lift of his chin, like this was all some kind of burden to him. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec said as he put on his own leather jacket.  “I don’t know what’s going on.”  Magnus didn’t answer him, just checked his eye makeup in the hall mirror. 

“Maia’s been attacked,” Jace told them.  “Magnus, I need you to portal us over to Luke’s place.”

“I’m not a performing monkey,” Magnus said huffily.

That was when Alec realized that something serious was bothering Magnus.  Something Magnus hadn’t talked to Alec about, because Alec had felt like he needed to be there for Jace the past two days.

“We’ll take the subway,” Alec said.

Magnus openly gawked at him.  Jace, however, nodded curtly.  “Fine.  Even though a portal would be faster.”

Regaining his composure, Magnus shrugged nonchalantly – a bit dramatically, in Alec’s opinion.

With Jace there, Alec knew he couldn’t have a panic attack.  He couldn’t let Jace see how weak he was.  But he was also wearing his gloves, and he avoided Magnus’s gaze as he held onto the support pole in the subway car and tried not to breathe in the swirl of mundane germs around them.

It was easier to ignore the germs when he needed to be in Shadowhunter mode.  There was no need for him to be near Maia, who had been attacked by a Drevak demon, nor did he need to be anywhere near Simon the Vampire, who left with Clary and Jace to find Luke almost immediately. 

Watching Magnus spin his magic over the wounded werewolf girl, Alec wondered why Magnus didn’t seem to need to touch Maia to heal her.  Blue magic surged out of his hands and sparkled around her.  Although she had said, before the sparkly blue magic, that Magnus looked “shiny,” which had made Alec laugh a little.  Alec had never been one to like shiny, pretty things – he had always gravitated toward practical and utilitarian – but he definitely liked Magnus, with all his glitter.  Magnus tossed a dirty look over his shoulder at Alec's laugh.

Then Jace, Clary, and Simon brought Luke back, and Magnus had another patient to deal with.  A Raum demon this time.  “Are you hurt?” Alec asked Jace.

“I’m fine,” Jace hissed, and pulled Alec aside to whisper, “I don’t know what happened out there but as soon as Clary activated her angel blade the demon just ran.”

“Do you think Valentine is behind all this?” Alec asked, keeping his voice low.

“Obviously.  Also, what the hell is that.  What is that.”  Jace was now glaring at Simon and Clary, who were making eyes at each other across the room.

“They’re just looking at each other,” Alec whispered.  He noticed Magnus looking at him.  Did warlocks have better hearing than Shadowhunters?  He leaned in to Jace’s ear.  “I mean, I thought you were trying to avoid Clary, wouldn’t it be better if she was with Simon?”

“But she kissed me in the fairy realm,” Jace whispered back hotly. 

Magnus finished healing Luke then, and Simon and Clary were chattering excitedly.  “You’re just imagining it,” Alec whispered.  “They’re best friends.  Like us.”

Jace gave Alec a weird look, just as Magnus announced stiffly, “I’m not exactly sure what it is you think you’re doing, calling on me every time one of you has so much as an ingrown toenail that needs clipping.”  He went on to say how they could call on any lesser warlock for this kind of magic.  “Or am I just the only warlock you happen to know?”

“No,” said Jace, loudly enough to make Alec take a step away from him, and good thing too, because the next thing out of Jace’s mouth made him want to either punch that mouth or crawl under a rock.  “But you are the only warlock we know who happens to be dating a friend of ours.”

For long moments Alec couldn’t breathe.  Then all he could hear was the rush of blood beating in his ears.  He couldn’t have a panic attack.  Not now.  Not in front of all these people.  Luke and Maia were basically strangers.  And Clary and Simon were… worse than strangers. 

And then, as panic threatened to consume him, Alec said some things he would come to regret.

***

It wasn’t until Clary had told Jace to stop and the distraction of Luke waking up that Alec could escape to the porch and catch his breath.  Then those words he had said caught up to him.  

Why, _why_ had Alec denied that he and Magnus were dating?  Why?  Jace already knew.  Alec had _told_ him.  He wasn’t worried about Jace knowing.  He was worried about what all those other people in the room thought of him. 

The way Magnus had looked at him after Alec had denied they were dating had been awful.  Even worse was the way Magnus had shot back, “Oh?  So you’re just that friendly with everyone, is that it?”

He sat on the dusty porch gulping in foul city alley air with his head in his hands. 

He didn’t want to stay here.  This place was even worse than Magnus’s in terms of germs.  Luke didn’t seem to care about cleanliness at all – not surprising, given that he was both a bachelor and a werewolf alpha.  He probably had filthy pack meetings here.  And thanks to Alec calling on Magnus for every little thing, Magnus had to keep Jace with him.  They were stuck here all night to make sure Maia and Luke were okay. 

_They_ were stuck here.  Alec wasn’t.  He hadn’t had a proper shower in days.  So he decided to walk home.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep here, anyway.

Finally, when the hot water scoured him clean, he felt better, even though he didn’t have any answers.  He knew he needed to apologize to Magnus for both denying that they were boyfriends and for taking advantage of his boyfriend being a warlock.  Although in this case it was really Jace who had taken advantage.  But Jace was tied to Alec through their parabatai bond, so Alec would have to do the apologizing.

As he walked back to Luke’s, he stopped and bought doughnuts.  _If only Magnus could see_ , he thought, handing over money with his hands bare.  _He might be proud of me_.  Maybe, he thought, he might be able to hug Magnus after he apologized.  Then Magnus would know he meant it.

He stopped on the porch.  The doorknob, with smudges of fingerprints and dirt, stared back at him.  He hated this whole situation.  It would be so much better if they were at the Institute.  Or even at Magnus’s.  Alec didn’t want to apologize to Magnus in front of everybody.  And he didn’t want to touch anything or anyone. 

Twisting around, he sat back down on the porch where he’d spent most of the night.  He placed the box of doughnuts on his lap.  And sighed.

It was only a few minutes later when Jace walked up.  Alec stared.  “Where were you?”

Jace shrugged and continued on into the house.  Alec launched to his feet and followed, not wanting to miss the opportunity to get through the door without touching the doorknob. 

In a matter of minutes, Jace had Maia running from the room crying, and had basically dared Magnus to scold him.  Which Magnus did, still clearly annoyed with this entire situation.  It boiled down to Magnus’s magic being used up by healing Maia and Luke, leaving Jace free to leave any time he wanted, because Jace broke his promise. 

Then Magnus said sourly, “Where were you all night, anyway?  With Alec?”

And suddenly Alec understood why Magnus had been so cold lately. 

Magnus was jealous of Jace.

Now it made sense.  Why Magnus had spent so much time away from the two of them in his apartment.  Why Magnus bristled anytime Jace ordered him around.  Why Magnus made that comment, about Alec being just that friendly with everyone.  Everyone being Jace.  Alec supposed his whispered conversation with Jace yesterday hadn’t helped Magnus be less jealous – he remembered how Magnus had been casting dirty looks in their direction.

Jace explained how he couldn’t sleep, so he had gone for a walk and found Alec “mooning around on the porch” when he came back.

Magnus’s eyes lit up at the news.  “Where you there all night?” he asked Alec.

Magnus was happy that Alec was miserable?  Alec decided that his apology to Magnus could wait.  “No, I went home to take a shower and then came back.”  He pointed out his clean clothes.  No one seemed impressed by the evidence.  Probably because every item of clothing Alec owned was black and looked the same.

They were impressed by the doughnuts, however.  Just like Alec was impressed when they all discovered that Clary could draw new runes.

Alec watched her draw a rune she called Fearless, and the rest of the world dropped away.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably note that some of the dialogue from last chapter and this chapter come from chapters 12 and 14 from _City of Ashes._

He needed that rune.

When it was decided that Jace was already too fearless for the rune, and using the rune on Luke or Simon might kill them, Alec took his chance.

A Fearless rune.  He wouldn't have to be afraid of germs anymore!  This was the first time he hadn’t dreaded rolling up his sleeve.  He didn't even mind Jace's grip on his arm, as he drew the rune below a permanent Mark on his upper arm.  As it activated, he waited for all his fears to dissolve.

“So, how do you feel?  Any different?” Clary asked.

“Not really.”

Everyone else was waiting, too.  They asked him what he was afraid of.  Without looking at anyone, he said, "Spiders."  Because spiders usually meant dirt, so it wasn't a complete lie.

He waited to want to throw his arms around Magnus and kiss him.  He waited to feel less like washing his hands.  He waited.  Would the rune only eradicate his worst fear?  What was his worst fear, if it wasn't germs?  It clearly wasn’t Magnus, or a relationship with Magnus.  It wasn’t how dirty this place was.

Before he could find out, there was a knock on the door, and in walked his parents and Izzy, followed by the Inquisitor.  Then, a fire swelling in his chest, he knew what his worst fear was.

"Mother.  Father,” he said, and everyone in the room turned to look at him.  Probably because he had walked into the middle of the room and interrupted his mother.  “There’s something I have to tell you.  I'm seeing someone.”

Just as Alec started to explain that he was seeing a Downworlder, and furthermore, a warlock, a blast of magic engulfed him, and he fell to the floor.  His senses winked out for a moment, long enough for the Fearless rune to stop working.  “Why am I on the floor?” he asked.

He looked at Magnus.  From what everyone told him he’d said while under the influence of the Fearless rune, he’d been about to come out to his parents, and Magnus had stopped him.  He'd stopped Alec from coming out to his parents.  But why? 

***

Alec didn't even have time to think about it, not with having to lie to the Inquisitor, rescue Jace from prison, fight off demons, and nearly drown.  Focus was something he could do, especially when it came down to being a Shadowhunter. 

Of course, he hadn't expected the time he'd have to think about his relationship with Magnus to be as his life was passing before his eyes and his lungs were filling with water.

Magnus had stopped him from coming out to his parents, which was apparently Alec's greatest fear.  It made no sense for that to be his greatest fear.  Then Magnus had left, saying something to the effect of wishing he'd never see any of them ever again.  Including Alec.  Now that Alec was dying, he began to have seconds thoughts about this conclusion.  Magnus had always encouraged him to face his fears.  And Alec had told Magnus repeatedly that he wanted to be in control of how and when he did so.  With the Fearless rune, he wasn't in control.  The rune had been controlling him. 

So Magnus had stopped Alec from telling his parents about their relationship.

As Alec slipped into the cold depths of the river, he felt a warm sensation surrounding him. 

Magnus did that for him, helped him.  And what had Alec done for Magnus?  Continually ask for favors, that's what.

Darkness closed over him.

He didn't know how long he had been unconscious when his eyes fluttered open and he realized he could breathe.  Above him, the stars were obscured by clouds, and he could see someone sitting at his side, his gold eyes brighter than the stars.  _Magnus_.

After Magnus had explained that he’d used most of his power pulling Alec out of the water, Alec did what he could to still fight for the Shadowhunters and to give something back to Magnus.  He held out his bare hands, and told Magnus to take whatever strength and energy he needed from him.

This time, when Magnus held his hands, the touch didn’t send his body into arousal.  Magnus’s hands were warm and firm.  Comforting.  Alec closed his eyes.  It wasn’t long before he lost consciousness again.

***

Even though Alec had a key, he knocked on Magnus's door.

And waited.

He could have just gone in, but in the time between Magnus giving him the key and now, so much had happened.  He’d been unconsciousness when Magnus had left after the battle, and woken up during the ride back to the Institute.  There wasn’t much he could do.  He didn’t have his phone with him – it was at the bottom of the river, probably.  He had thought that, after what he’d given to Magnus during the battle, that Magnus might have stayed.  But he hadn’t.  And his parents still didn’t know that he and Magnus were dating. 

All Alec knew was that Magnus's magic had been depleted, and he needed someone to take care of him.

"I'm beat," Alec had said, as soon as they'd all gotten back to the Institute.  "I'm gonna go to bed."

"Are you okay?" Maryse reached for him in a surprisingly motherly gesture.  He stepped just out of her reach.

"I'm fine.  Just tired."

"Rest up.  With the Inquisitor dead, I'm sure the Clave will need us for questioning."

"Right," Alec had said, and glanced at Jace.  He hoped Jace understood what he was going to do.  Jace nodded slightly, even though Alec hadn't said anything. 

In his room, Alec had taken a quick shower and dressed, selecting his clothes carefully.  Then he climbed out of his window and dropped to the ground, two stories below, landing without a sound, although his knees creaked as he stood up, and his muscles screamed as he hurried down the street.

Magnus would be exhausted as well.  Maybe Alec had been a fool to rush over here.  He knocked again, softly.  He didn't want to wake Magnus up, but they hadn't had a chance to talk after Magnus had pulled him from the water. 

They really needed to talk.

They couldn't talk if Magnus wasn't opening the door.  Alec looked down at the leather pants that were now his, and stuck his hands in the pockets of his jacket.  He supposed he should have called or texted Magnus first, before coming over, but he didn’t have his phone.  Nothing lost, nothing gained--

Magnus opened the door.

In a hooded sweatshirt and sweatpants, he looked pale and somehow thinner, the lack of glitter and makeup rendering him dull and wan.  Alec had prepared a little preamble, but instead went with his instinct: to gather Magnus up into a full-body hug.

It felt oddly good to have his arms filled up by Magnus.  Standing separately, wearing clothes, these things hid the true shape of a body.  Alec liked how they fit together, the way Magnus’s head came to rest right on Alec’s shoulder, how his folded arms had opened to wrap around Alec’s waist.  Their hips were at different heights.  Alec could feel how Magnus’s hipbones pressed into the front of Alec’s hip joints.  How other things pressed together. 

Alec pushed his face into the hood of the sweatshirt.  He couldn’t imagine Magnus wearing this sort of garment very often, but it still smelled like Magnus.  Strange that Alec, having barely touched Magnus, could recognize Magnus’s scent.  He inhaled, then remembered why he was here.

“I didn’t come here to ask you for anything,” he said.

A little shudder went through Magnus’s body, and Alec gripped him tighter in his worry before he realized this was Magnus laughing a little.

“I just wanted to spend time with you.  And to tell you I’m sorry,” he said.  “I don’t know why I said any of that stuff about not dating you.”

The shudder relaxed into a sigh.  “You’re still in love with him, aren’t you,” Magnus said into Alec’s shoulder.

Alec knew exactly who “he” was.  Jace.  “I’m not.  Honestly, that wasn’t why…”  He reminded himself about why Magnus had been acting so cold before.  “He’s my parabatai,” Alec said.  “He’s my best friend.  My only friend, really.”

“And you have deeper feelings for him than friendship.”

“Not anymore,” Alec insisted, just before his throat closed up.  He had never admitted to anyone what he felt for Jace.  Not after that time his father found him like that.  Clearing his throat, he said, “The way Jace said it, it sounded like he disapproved, somehow.  Or like it would shock somebody.  And then I realized that no one else except you and Jace know… None of them know I’m gay.  And I’m so used to denying it…”

“I understand, Alexander,” Magnus said.  Against Alec’s back, he felt Magnus’s hands moving up and down along his spine.  “And I hope you will forgive my behavior.”

“It’s okay.  I mean, I’m glad you stopped me from telling my parents.  Not because I’m ashamed of dating you or anything.  I guess I’m afraid of their reaction.  And I wouldn’t want to have told them just because I had a rune…”  Magnus’s hands were moving all up and down his back now.  With each pass those hands got lower and lower, until Alec lifted his head.  “What are you doing?”

“You’re wearing those leather pants, Alexander.”

“Heh, yeah, I am.”  Blushing and smiling, Alec pressed his face back against the hood.  He wondered if he wouldn’t do the same if the hood hadn’t been there.  If he could have buried his face in Magnus’s hair, or kissed his ear…

“I’d love to touch your ass in these pants.”

The suggestion made the pants feel tight against his groin.  “Um, maybe we could move inside and close the door first?”

Shufflng forward while still hugging was awkward.  Alec knew he was starting to get hard.  Magnus wouldn’t let go of his hips, though, and he felt something similar pressing into him.  Alec pushed the door shut and Magnus slid his hand down until Alec could feel all five of Magnus’s fingers pressing into his right ass cheek. 

“This isn’t so b—” Alec’s voice turned to a squeak when Magnus flexed his fingers.  “Hahhhammm,” was the general gist of what Alec said next.  His cock sprang up like it was fully loaded.  Alec felt his own fingers gripping around Magnus’s back as Magnus squeezed rhythmically.  “Oh, uhhhm, okay, Magnus, maybe that’s a bit muhhhhhhuhuhh—”

“I’m feeling better already,” Magnus said as Alec came.  “How about you?”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _And I'll use you a focal point_   
>  _So I don't lose sight of what I want_
> 
> \--from "I Found" by Amber Run 

“So… you just put your tongue in the other person’s mouth.” 

“There’s a technique to it.  Allow me to demonstrate.” 

Alec covered his eyes.  “No, no, no, wait!  I just need to…” 

“Overthink it?” 

“What?”  

Izzy folded her arms over her chest.  “You heard me.” 

“I don’t… overthink things…” 

“You kind of do,” Simon said. 

“No one asked you, mundane,” Alec snapped.   

He wasn't sure what he had been thinking, asking his sister about this.  Especially with Simon around.  But then, Simon always seemed to be around.  It was late, and they were all hanging around in the library at the Institute, more for the crackling fire than for the books.   

“Actually, I’m a vampire now.  And I wouldn’t mind if we continued with that demonstration.”  Simon waggled his eyebrows at Izzy, who rolled her eyes and smiled.   

Alec watched this exchange in horrified disbelief.  What was even happening right now?  “Look, I just wanted to make sure that was all it involved, okay?” 

“Just the fact that you had to ask means you’re already overthinking it.”  Izzy sighed, then Alec sighed, because she was right.   

“If I think about it, I can get used to the idea.” 

“I can’t believe you’re dating Magnus,” Simon said, almost to himself.  “Everything makes so much more sense now.” 

Alec shot Simon a dirty look, and received a glare from Isabelle.  It seemed Izzy had a soft spot for the weird little mundane.  Or vampire.  Whatever he was.  It didn't matter.  He had been born a mundane, and he would still have a mundane mindset no matter what he became.  Like Clary.  Although Clary was growing on him.  She'd been the one to get everyone off his back after Jace outed him at Luke's. 

"Why do people even like French kissing?" Alec mused out loud.  "It just sounds gross." 

" _Sounds_  gross, but  _feels_  amazing," Simon said. 

Touching his own lip with his thumb, Alec tried to imagine tongues pressing together feeling good and not absolutely disgusting.  The more he thought about it, the less appeal it had.   

"When's your next date with Magnus?" Izzy asked, wrapping and rewrapping her whip around her arm.   

"Tomorrow.  We're meeting for lunch." 

"A lunch date?"  Why was Izzy looking at him with pity? 

"What?" 

"A lunch date puts you in the friend zone," Simon explained.  "A place where I've basically lived my whole life." 

Alec shook his head.  "No, I think it's just so the restaurant isn't as crowded.  Magnus and I are good, I think." 

"Are you sure about that?" Simon asked. 

"Really sure?" Izzy said. 

"Now you're just messing with me."  Alec stood up and pulled out his phone as he started walking from the room. 

"Aw, don't go," Izzy called.  "We're sorry." 

But Alec was already texting Magnus.   

 _Hey, I was just thinking... can we go out to dinner tomorrow night, instead of lunch?  I think I'm ready for it_  

 _Are you sure Darling?_  

Only halfway up the stairs to his room, Alec nearly tripped and was glad no one was around to see him blush.  Magnus had called him Darling a few times, and every time it made Alec feel strange.  Good strange.  He was glad Magnus wasn't mad at him anymore. 

The problem was, Alec wasn't sure.  The only thing he was sure of was that he didn't want to be in the friendzone.   _Didn't being called Darling mean he wasn't anywhere near the friend zone?_   

 _I can do it_  

 _Fabulous,_ _I'll change_ _our reservation!_  

A sigh of relief escaped his lips as he entered his room and closed the door behind him.  No friend zone.  And a restaurant date meant there would be no kissing yet.  Alec's phone buzzed again. 

 _What are you up to this fine evening?_  

 _Not much_  

 _Would you like to come over?_   ;)

He sat down on his bed and tried to ease the sudden lack of air he felt.  Why did Magnus always make him feel this way?  His body tingled and Alec felt like it was already preparing for the pleasure of touching Magnus again.

Last night he'd gone over there, and not even five minutes later had been a mess.  Thankfully he had spare clothes and the shower was safe, but he had refrained from touching Magnus for the rest of the night.  That seemed to be okay, as Magnus still looked tired.  They had sat on different couches and watched TV. 

What if Magnus wanted to hug him hello?  What if he wanted to hug him hello every single time Alec saw him from here on out?  Was Alec's body going to react like that every time?

He tried to remind himself that he could usually hold hands with Magnus now, without coming all over the place.  God, he was so pathetic. 

And yet... if he could just get the French kissing thing over with...

 _Sure_ , he texted back.

***

Alec inserted the silver key and opened the door to Magnus's apartment slowly.  _Don't bother knocking, darling.  I gave you a key for a reason_ , Magnus had texted.  Before, Jace had been in the apartment, so having a key hadn't been like letting himself into Magnus's bedroom.  Obviously Magnus wouldn't have been walking around naked with Jace there. 

Poking his head through the opening, Alec called out, "Magnus?"

He didn't hear anything.

Well, maybe Magnus was in the bathroom.  Alec stepped inside and closed the door behind him.  Then locked it.  Magnus had wards up, and the wards would keep out the mundanes as well as most other Downworlders and Shadowhunters... Magnus was the High Warlock of Brooklyn, which meant he was one of the most powerful warlocks around, but no one was perfect.

Now that he was inside, he could hear the soft strains of music playing.  He looked around.  The lights were on, so Magnus must be here.  He shrugged out of his jacket and hung it on the funky retro coatrack.  "Magnus?" He called again.

The lights dimmed.  It happened gradually enough that Alec wasn't startled by it, but he did ease back into a defensive stance and took stock of the available exits and potential blind spots where a threat might be lurking. 

A flame flickered to life on one of the candles.  Then another.  And another.

Alec rolled his eyes.  The trail of candles led down the hallway to Magnus's bedroom. 

"What are you doing, Magnus?" Alec said, heading down the hallway.  "Isn't this a little... premature?" 

"Don't be such a spoilsport, Alexander," came Magnus's voice from the dim cavern of his bedroom.  "I'm just trying to set the mood."

Setting his shoulders back, Alec took a deep breath before he entered.  The room was clean of all the clothes.  The wooden floors shone underneath an Oriental rug.  Candles melted atop the windowsills and dresser.  Lastly, Alec dragged his eyes over to the bed, which was covered in a furry white something.  In the middle of which lay Magnus.

He was wearing only a pair of soft cotton harem pants, with a bright pattern.  No shirt.  Alec's eyes stuck on his bare chest and stomach.  Bare, except for a tangle of chains and pendants.  He hadn't expected Magnus to look like this underneath. 

"Okay," Alec said softly.

Magnus smiled and patted the fur beside him.  "I thought you might like a little touch stimulation tonight."

"What?"  Alec wished he could stop sounding so dumb.  He took a few small steps toward the bed.

"Touch stimulation.  I like the idea of you becoming aroused just by touching something that feels extra soft."

Alec stopped.  "Magnus, I don't..."

"It feels very nice," Magnus said, stroking the fur.

"What would be nice if I could spend time with you without..." Alec gestured vaguely, "all the mess."

"Where's the fun in that?"  But Magnus stopped stroking and looked seriously at Alec.  "This wouldn't involve touching another person."

Looking at the fur blanket, Alec tried to imagine what would happen if he lay on it.  "I wouldn't mind... touching you."

Magnus smiled at him.  "Then come and touch me."

Alec hesitated.  It didn't seem like Magnus wanted to give in about the touch stimulation.  Alec could lay on the bed fully clothed and he wouldn't have to touch the fur.  He sat gingerly on the edge of the bed.

"I wanted to try French kissing," Alec said.

"We can do that."  Magnus tugged at his sleeve.  "Come lay down with me."

Careful not to touch the coverlet, Alec lay back.  He looked over at Magnus.  This close, he could smell that cologne Magnus wore, something slightly exotic and musky.  A deep breath.

"Relax, Alexander," Magnus said.  "I just took the pillowcases out of the laundry."

Alec tried.  It was hard to relax when being told to relax. 

"We could skip to massage?" Magnus said hopefully.

"I want to kiss first."

"Okay." 

"I just need a minute."

"Okay."

"I just have to mentally prepare myself, you know--"

"I know."

"Is this real fur?" Alec asked.  His hands had twined themselves together and twisted.  "Like from an animal?"

Magnus laughed.  "It's the finest synthetic fur IKEA has to offer."

"IKEA?  You shop at IKEA?"

"Darling--" That epithet again, making Alec feel warm in his chest, "I swear IKEA was created by warlocks.  Or perhaps designed to entrap warlocks.  Whatever the case, yes, I shop there.  I wander around and decide what I like, and then I magically transport it here."

"And assemble it yourself?"

"Do you doubt my assembly skills?"

"I mean, couldn't you just magic it together?"

"IKEA furniture defies the laws of magic assembly," Magnus said.

Alec started to reach his hand down to touch the fake fur, then stopped.  "How long have you had this blanket?" He asked.

"It's brand new."

"Do you think it's made on machines, or--" Alec stopped speaking when Magnus's hand moved toward his face. 

Magnus froze, with his hand just a few inches away.  "I'm sorry.  Can I touch your face?  I showered just before you got here."

 _Breathe_ , Alec told himself.  The movement of Magnus's hand reminded Alec of how close they were.  Alec had his head back on the pillow, while Magnus had propped himself up on an elbow to look down at him.  "Yes," he said.

Gently, Magnus placed his hand against Alec's cheek and jaw.  Alec's heart stuttered in his chest; he couldn't help but look up at Magnus and feel like he was falling, somehow.  Magnus's thumb over his cheekbone left a trail of sensation. 

"I don't believe you will contract any diseases from this IKEA throw blanket, Alexander."

Gazing into Magnus's eyes this way, he had no doubt that he could trust Magnus.  Yet the soft-looking fur seemed like too much.  "Can I touch you?" Alec asked.

"I would like that very much."

Magnus drew his hand away from Alec's face to give him room to move his arms.  Rolling onto his side, Alec slid his bottom arm up and under the pillow to avoid coming into contact with the fur.  Then he let his eyes roam away from Magnus's face, down to that bare, smooth chest.  No tattoos or scars marred the perfect expanse of skin, not like Alec's own chest. 

When he managed to reach forward with his hand, his neurons must have misfired, because instead of touching Magnus's chest, Alec's fingers snagged on Magnus's collarbone.  He couldn't slide his hand down with Magnus's confident grace.  Instead, Alec planted his hand heavily there, as if it needed a moment before going where Alec had meant to put it.  Alec's palm was on Magnus's chest, at least. 

"Sorry," Alec said with a breathless laugh, and after a moment he made his palm move.  In a jerky motion, his hand slipped down so that he was essentially cupping Magnus's pectoral muscle.  He could feel the erect nipple pressing into his palm.  "Sorry," he said again. 

He would have tried to reposition his sweaty hand, but Magnus covered Alec's hand with his own to keep it in place.  _God, his nipple could cut glass_.  "Don't be sorry," Magnus said.  "I like this."

With difficulty, Alec pulled his eyes from staring at his own hand and made eye contact with Magnus.  Magnus's hand was pressing Alec's hand so hard against his chest Alec could feel his heartbeat. 

"Close your eyes for a minute," Magnus said.  "And breathe, Alexander."

Alec obeyed.  His hand felt so warm, trapped there.  Without any conscious impulse, Alec's fingers twitched slightly.  He hoped Magnus wouldn't think that was weird.  He hoped his hand wasn't too clammy. 

A sudden movement under his hand had his eyes snapping open.  "I couldn't help myself," Magnus laughed as he released Alec's hand.

Without the pressure holding it in place, Alec's hand dropped down to the fur blanket.  "Oh," he said, curling it to his chest nearly as soon as he had touched it.  Then, with another "Oh," he carefully placed his hand down.  The softness of the fibers sent shivers up his arm and all the way down his spine.  He lifted his hand again when he felt the shivers going where he didn't want them to go.  "That feels nice."

"So why did you stop?" Magnus asked.

Alec rolled onto his back, frowning.  "I don’t want to pop a boner over every little thing."

"Okay."

Looking at him sideways, Alec said, "Yeah?"

"I understand.  Although I would love to spend all my time over-stimulating you.  I understand that you would feel overwhelmed."

"Yeah," Alec said, feeling a bit better.  He rolled onto his side again, and after flexing his hand a couple of times, placed it back on Magnus's chest.  And pushed.  Magnus grinned, and rolled to his back. 

"Touch me anywhere you would like, Alexander," Magnus said.

There was so much skin.  So many places for his hand to explore.  Eyes flicking up to Magnus's for consent, Alec moved his hand down. 

Soft skin over hard muscle.  The motion of Magnus's breathing lifted Alec's hand then lowered it.  He slid his hand laterally across Magnus's torso, then circled back up to the shallow place in the center of his chest.  Moving his hand like this dried off the sweat a little.  Made it all feel even better.  Alec caught his lower lip between his teeth as he circled back down, daring to go lower than before.  He glanced back up to Magnus's face.  The rise and fall of Magnus's chest came faster.  Alec looked back down at where his hand was, just a finger's width above the waistband of Magnus's pants. 

Magnus wouldn't mind, he thought.  Maybe exploring further south would be less scary than kissing.  He didn't even have hand jobs on his list.  Alec considered it.  Magnus had brought Alec to climax so many times.  But Alec had never done this for Magnus.  From the tenting of that loose cotton fabric, Magnus was ready for it.

The thought of getting come all over his hand made him draw back.  The mouth was safer.  Cleaner.  He moved his hand back up, all the way to Magnus's throat.  Magnus swallowed just as Alec moved his thumb over his Adam's apple.  By the way Magnus's dark eyes looked up at him, he would let Alec do anything to him. 

 _Anything_.

That realization of power gave Alec the confidence to look down at Magnus's lips.  They were so very red, and parted slightly.  Anticipating.  Magnus wasn't even doing the touching and Alec could feel himself stirring. 

 _Just put your tongue in his mouth_ , Alec thought. 

He winced. 

He wanted to kiss Magnus.  Well, maybe they wouldn't French kiss just yet.  Alec parted his own lips.  Just in case.  Then he lowered his mouth to meet Magnus's.

Instead of keeping a steady pressure like he had last time, Alec pulled back just a little.  Then opened his mouth just a little wider and tried again. 

Magnus had done the same, Alec's tongue pressed against the slight opening between his own teeth.  A zing of cherry flavor surprised him, which made Magnus's tongue entering his mouth feel less surprising.  Alec curled his fingers into the hair at the back of Magnus's neck, and pushed their mouths tighter together. 

It felt strange that their tongues were touching.  Not gross.  But strange, and with the flavor of what must have been Magnus's lip gloss, Alec found that he didn't mind it.  He hesitantly explored Magnus's mouth with his own tongue, quick tastes between longer moments when he found himself sucking at Magnus's face. 

When his lips began to feel strange and tingly, he pulled back.  Magnus smiled dreamily up at him.  "Congratulations," Magnus said. 

Alec blushed.  "You're wearing flavored lip gloss," he accused.

"Did you like it?"

He couldn't not smile.  "Yes."  Then, before Magnus could make another smart remark, Alec kissed him again.

For a while he lost himself in kissing.  He liked the feel of Magnus's mouth beneath his.  As the rhythm of the kisses became less novel, he realized he'd been hanging onto Magnus's hair this whole time.  He forced his hand to release. 

Magnus sighed into his mouth.  He liked that Magnus wasn't trying to touch him while they kissed.  Beneath him he could feel the tiny movements of Magnus gliding his hands over the fur blanket.  Alec's hand made its way back down to Magnus's chest, running his fingers over that same nipple – still hard – then flipping over so it was the back of his hand this time against Magnus's abs. 

Magnus arched up ever so slightly. 

When Alec turned his hand back over and moved his hand over the bulge in Magnus's pants, Magnus sucked in a breath and bit him, ever so slightly.  The bulge felt alive and very solid.

Alec pulled his head up.  Magnus refused to leave his lips until it was too far for his neck and he let his head fall back to the pillow.  "Is this okay?" Alec asked.

"More than okay," Magnus said in a rushed breath, then craned his neck back up to kiss Alec at the same time that he pushed his hips up to get more contact with Alec's hand.

He finally understood what Magnus meant when he had said he enjoyed Alec's sensitivity.  He could feel his own body responding to the way Magnus was responding to his touch.  If Magnus had done this to him... Alec would have been already spent.  Magnus didn't have Alec's level of sensitivity, which meant if Alec did want to make Magnus come in his pants – just a little revenge for all those times Magnus had done the same to him – he would have to apply a bit more pressure.  He would have to do more than just touch. 

The cotton pants were so loose that Alec could wrap his hands around Magnus's cock through the fabric.  _This is good_ , Alec thought.  _Clean_.  He gripped tightly enough that Magnus seemed to forget how to kiss and Alec had to make do with peppering little kisses around his open, panting mouth.  Then he started working up and down with his fist. 

Alec was so used to using soap when he masturbated in the shower that it didn't make sense to him at first why this wasn't working quite the way it should.  He could feel another layer beneath the pants, probably silk boxers like the ones Magnus had loaned to Alec.  It was a different sensation, of fabric slipping over fabric rather than soap lubricating skin on skin.  Magnus seemed to enjoy it, as he attempted to thrust into Alec's fist and his mouth blindly sought out Alec's.

Nosing under Magnus's chin, Alec started kissing Magnus's neck.  It didn't taste as good as the cherry lip gloss, which was long gone, but it did taste like Magnus, like his skin and sweat.  For some reason that didn't disgust him.  He was too interested in how Magnus was reacting to what he was doing.  It seemed like it was taking a long time, much longer than Alec ever took.  Yet the building frenzy let Alec know he was doing something right.

Suddenly Magnus stiffened and grabbed the hand Alec had been stroking him with.  Pulling that hand to his chest, Magnus buried his face in Alec's neck. 

Alec was about to ask if he'd done something wrong when Magnus groaned, long and low.  After a few moments, Magnus's entire body relaxed and he flopped back against the blanket.  Alec smiled down at him. 

"I know hand jobs weren't on the list," Alec started to say.

"Alexander Lightwood," Magnus sounded breathless, "you can add anything to that damned list you want."

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if all you remember from the previous chapter was Alec and Magnus texting, PLEASE go back and read it again. I had some issues with half the chapter not posting. (I realized the problem and fixed it within about 2 hours of posting). Trust me, you won't want to miss it!

Alec wasn't sure why, but he felt like people were staring at them.

He'd managed to make it to the restaurant with Magnus in one piece – the subway was still a little dicey, but Alec had breathed shallowly and gripped the pole to keep from falling over and though he wanted to go and wash his hands before he used them to eat anything, he was here and he was alive and his freshly ironed black dress shirt was drying out under his armpits.  Thank god Magnus had offered him a pin-striped sports coat to wear over it, since apparently this place had a dress code and Alec's leather jacket wasn't cutting it. 

At first Alec figured it was because he wasn't used to not having a glamour around mundanes.  It wasn’t until Magnus ordered a bottle of wine for the table that Alec understood.

“I’m sorry,” the waiter said softly.  “We can’t serve alcohol to minors.”  He gave an obvious look toward Alec.

That was it.  That was why people were staring.  Alec was only seventeen.  And Magnus looked older.  Not that much older--

“I don’t know what you mean,” Magnus huffed.  “Alexander, please, show the man your ID.”

“My – my ID?” Alec asked.

“Yes.”

Shadowhunters didn’t need things like driver’s licenses or identification, because they almost never did anything in the world of mundanes.  “I don’t have--” 

“Yes,” Magnus cut him off.  “In your wallet?”

Alec gave him a look.  All he had in his wallet was about thirty dollars in cash, a credit card (linked to the Institute’s account, and for emergencies only), and the subway pass he’d just bought to get here.  Magnus had seen him pay for the subway pass. 

With a glare, Magnus flicked a finger at him, and Alec saw a faint purple swish of magic. 

He opened his wallet.  Sure enough, inside there was an ID.  Alec pulled it out and squinted at the photo. 

“Sir?” The waiter held out his hand with a dubious look on his face.  Alec made sure not to touch him as he gave it over.

Now Alec was sweating again.  Obviously the guy would think it was a fake ID, Alec didn’t look much older than seventeen.  Maybe nineteen or twenty, but definitely not—

“Thank you sir.”

Carefully, Alec accepted the magical ID back.  He tucked it into his wallet.  “Sorry about that,” Magnus said with a chuckle, after the waiter left.  “I should have glamoured us to look like two old men.”

Alec didn’t want to look around and see if anyone was staring at them, but he couldn’t help himself.  No one looked him in the eye.  He stared down at the fancy place settings.  In his lap his hands twisted together. 

“What’s wrong, darling?”

“Nothing,” Alec said quickly, then said, “It’s just… I feel like people are staring at us.  Because of our age difference.”

Magnus’s face turned unreadable for a moment.  “Ah.  You think I’m too old for you.”

“No!  It’s not that.  I mean, you don’t look that old.  Definitely not 400 years old.”  Alec could hear himself chattering, but couldn’t seem to stop himself.  “It’s just, like, you look older?  And you’re clearly not my brother?”

“And?”

Alec didn’t know what to say.  He didn’t know how to put his thoughts into words, more like, not when Magnus looked as hot as he did right now.  Magnus had kept the glitter to a minimum, just a slight sheen to his hair, and some eyeliner.  Usually Magnus dressed well, and Alec enjoyed his outfits even though he could never pull off anything like that himself.  Yet there was something about a more reserved-looking Magnus.  Like that first time they had attempted to go to fancy restaurant.  It was possible that Magnus wore the same outfit, and it was having an even stronger effect than it did that day, because he and Magnus were really dating now.  And Alec didn’t quite feel like he was going to pass out. 

He was getting there.  He needed to breathe.

Magnus interrupted his spiraling thoughts.  “Are you worried that people will think I’m an old pervert with a teenage boy, or are you afraid that people know we’re a couple?”

Sucking in a breath through his teeth, Alec tried to unclench his hands.  “I don’t… I don’t want to think you’re a pervert,” he started to say, then looked at Magnus in alarm.  “I’m sorry!  I didn’t mean that!  I don’t think you are.  A pervert.  God, stop saying pervert,” he muttered to himself.  “I only mean… Okay, you’re centuries old.  And I’m not.”  Alec had to stop talking in order to breathe, which gave Magnus the opportunity to speak.

“And you’re wondering what someone so old would want with a young boy,” Magnus said.

The waiter came back then with their wine in a bucket of ice, a little wisp of vapor rising from its mouth.  Magnus thanked him and they waited for him to fill their glasses.  Once he was gone, Magnus continued.

“There aren’t actually a lot of 400-year-old warlocks.  The closest to my age that I know of is about fifty years older than I am,” Magnus said.

As Magnus reached for his wine glass, Alec did the same.  Only Magnus reached further across the table and lightly touched Alec’s fingers.  “I know you worry about your lack of experience.  It would be difficult to find another with my shared life experiences, unfortunately.”

Alec looked at Magnus.  Sometimes it was hard to think of someone who looked maybe 25 as being so much older.  Especially when he liked wearing glittery black nail polish.

“I’ve never dated a Shadowhunter, if that helps you put things into perspective,” Magnus added.

“It does,” Alec said, the realization washing away his anxiety.  Even having lived for centuries, Magnus could still experience new things.

“And it isn’t like you are a typical seventeen-year-old.”  Magnus drew his hand back to his own wine glass.  “Mundanes don’t really grow up until they’re in their twenties.  But you’ve been going on missions, working, since you were—”

“Twelve.”

“Right.  So, let me make a toast to this consensual relationship between two adults,” Magnus said.

“I won’t be eighteen until September,” Alec said.

“In a court of law you would be tried as an adult,” Magnus countered.

Alec nodded.  “To adulthood, then.”  They clinked their glasses.

The waiter brought out their appetizer, a dish called orecchiette.  As they each sampled some, Alec realized there was something else pressing he needed to talk to Magnus about.  “Um, so you’ve had a lot of boyfriends, right?” Alec asked, then quickly added, “And girlfriends.  You said you’ve had girlfriends too.”

“Yes…”  Magnus raised an eyebrow. 

“I was just wondering, um…”  He fiddled with his napkin.  Would it be rude to ask?  Would Magnus be offended?  “Um, like, how many… exactly?”

Magnus nodded and sat back.  He wiped his mouth.  “Well, I haven’t kept track of the precise number.  You know, over four hundred years, that adds up to a lot.”

Alec nodded.  He should just drop it.  He didn’t need to know.

_Yes, you do._

“Maybe a ballpark estimate?” Alec asked, unable to look at Magnus.

“Seventeen…” Magnus started to say.

All the breath gushed out of Alec’s lungs.  “Oh, god, I thought it was going to be so much higher!” Then he saw the look on Magnus’s face.  And in case Alec wasn’t reading that look right, Magnus shook his head slightly and looked around them, so Alec knew to keep his voice down.  “Hundred?” he asked.

Alec stared at Magnus, who wasn’t looking at him.  Seventeen _thousand?_  

No.  That was impossible.  Divided by 400, that would be more than 40 boyfriends/girlfriends every year. 

“Were you, like, involved in orgies?” Alec squeaked out.

Magnus took another sip of wine.

“I don’t know if…”  Alec stared at his glass, remembering that glass they had shared.  Remembering how they had kissed.  They ahd shared germs.  Alec had shared germs with 17,000 other people.  “I don’t think I can do this,” he wheezed.

“I count seventeen as serious, long-term relationships,” Magnus said slowly.  “But I have been in many, much shorter relationships.  Probably not 1700.  But possibly.  I can’t be sure.”

Alec forced air into his lungs.  Okay.  At least it wasn’t 17,000.  Dear god.

“My most recent serious relationship was with a woman named Etta.  We met at a club in 1938…”  As Magnus described asking this woman to dance, and how they fell in love, Alec found himself calming down, his breaths coming slower, his head clearing.  Yes, this was the Magnus he knew.  Someone loyal, who liked the romance of two people alone in an apartment dancing together.  Who would offer up immortality to a mundane.

“Could you do that?” Alec asked, now that he could breathe again.  “Make a mundane immortal?”

“It is a spell I have not performed myself,” Magnus said.

“Why didn’t she want to be immortal?  I mean, if she really loved you, wouldn’t she… want that?”

Alec tried not to think about what Magnus’s answer could mean for him.  He didn’t know if he was in love with Magnus yet.  But the idea that Magnus was immortal and Alec would appear older than Magnus in only ten years or so had been another byproduct of thinking about their age difference.

“Etta loved life.  She didn’t want to stop her life.”  Alec shook his head, but Magnus held up a hand.  “She wanted children.  A family.  I didn’t.  So there was that choice as well.  As an immortal, her children would have outgrown her.  No one wants to outlive their children.”

“Is that why you never had kids?” Alec asked.

Magnus didn’t answer.  He didn’t need to.  He gave Alec a little smile as the waiter approached with their entrees. 

“You are improving so much, Alexander,” Magnus said.  “Here you are, eating food prepared by other people.”

“The germs don’t bother me so much anymore.  I mean, I did notice how you had the bottle of wine brought to our table so I could watch the waiter pouring it, and it minimized the number of germs.”

Magnus laughed.  “Ah.  And here I thought I was being sneaky.”

“Like how, last night, you didn’t touch me until the very end, when you pulled my hand away so I wouldn’t get dirty.”  Now Magnus was blushing.  “I do appreciate it.  What you do for me.  I just hope that someday, I won’t need you to do those things.”

“You will get there.  I am certain of that.”

“Yeah, now that Jace isn’t staying at your place anymore.”

“I have never been so happy to not have a roommate,” Magnus said.

Once they had drunk the remainder of the wine, and shared a dessert (Alec even managed to eat a bite from Magnus’s fork, despite all the looks they were getting), they left the restaurant.

“Let’s walk home,” Magnus said, and took Alec’s hand.

Maybe it was the wine, but Alec felt very warm suddenly.  “Okay.”

The city at night held a certain magic that had nothing to do with warlocks or the unseen world.  Lights sparkled from the darkened skyscrapers, and the music of the traffic and crowds and buskers on the street corners serenaded them as they strolled.  Magnus had cast a glamour over them, so that mundanes didn’t bump into them.  Alec noticed the tiny movement of his fingers casting the invisible web, but he didn’t think Magnus did it for Alec’s germophobia.  It was more for privacy.

Their fingers interlaced felt nice.  Alec hadn’t yet held hands like this.  He liked the way their hands could curl together, the pleasant warmth between each finger.  Magnus rubbed his thumb along Alec’s thumb.

“We should go to a Broadway show,” Magnus suggested, or he would point out a bar or club or restaurant or museum, and propose other future dates. 

“A museum of mundane things,” Alec said, considering.

“Mundane things nearly as old as I am,” Magnus countered.

“That would be interesting.  Did you know any famous painters, or artists?”

Magnus teased, “I even dated a few,” and that flutter of nervousness returned.  He knew he shouldn’t be worried about Magnus’s sexual history.  Mundanes were the ones who needed to worry about things like STDs and AIDS.  All the same, Alec worried.  He worried all the way to the front door of the Institute.  “I thought we were going back to your place,” he said, surprised.

“I think we both have a lot to think about,” Magnus said.

“Magnus, I’m sorry if I said something earlier,” Alec started, but Magnus held up a hand. 

“This has nothing to do with that, and everything to do with this.”  Magnus removed a small box from his pocket. 

“What is it?”

“Open it in your room, darling.  And then… think about it.”

Magnus turned to go, but Alec was still holding his hand, and he refused to let go.  He pulled a little, so that Magnus came back to him.  “Good-night,” he said, and disentangled their fingers in order to wrap Magnus into a hug.  Inhaling that scent, he felt even warmer.  He waited for Magnus to slide his hand down like he had the last time they had hugged. 

But Magnus just slipped away, saying, “Good-night, Alexander.”

The box now sat on his desk.  The hour was late, and the Institute was quiet.  Following Magnus’s instructions, Alec hadn’t opened it on the way to his room.  He didn’t open it the moment he got to his room and shut the door.  First he took a shower.  Once in clean pajamas, he sat down at his desk and contemplated the box.

Last time, the box had held a key.  Not scary.

Magnus’s words, _think about it_ , echoed in his head, intensifying until he finally tore the ribbon away and opened the box.

Without touching the object inside, Alec sat back.  Yes, he would have a lot to think about tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha, I know all of you are going to be all  
> 
> 
> So, tell me: what do you think is in the box??


	25. Chapter 25

For two days Alec thought about the box. 

Sometimes, he would open the box, and stare at the oddly shaped green plastic thing inside.  Then he would close the box and pace, or clean something. 

He had a feeling that somehow Magnus had been healing him all those times they’d held hands, because he’d noticed that night at dinner that his hands didn’t look at awful as they did only a few weeks ago.  Now the redness, cracking, and sores began to come back. 

He wished he could stop opening up his nightstand drawer to look at the box. 

The thing was wrapped in plastic, but it was just a ziplock baggie.  One that seemed to be exactly the right shape for the object, but still: a ziplock baggie.  Not vacuum sealed.  No telling how many people might have handled it before it was put in the baggie and then put in this box. 

The thing had a ring on one end, and a bulbous protusion on the other.  It wasn't very big.

Once, he fingered the little button on the object, which made it start vibrating.  Startled, Alec had dropped it into the drawer then scrambled to turn the thing off.  After he had managed to make it stop, he had tossed it back in the drawer and washed his hands.  Then gone back into the drawer to put it back in the box and made sure the cover was on tight.

When being in his bedroom became too much, he went to the training room and fired arrow after arrow into the targets. 

“Alec,” said Izzy, striding into the training room on Alec’s third day of no contact with Magnus, “we need you to contact Magnus.”

“Why?” Alec asked. 

“We need him to create a portal so Clary and Jace can go to Idris, to keep them safe from Valentine.  As you know, Valentine destroyed the two portals in the city.”

When Izzy was in Shadowhunter mode, she could sometimes be just as bad as Alec.  “Of course I know.”

“Good.  Then you know how important this is.  Call Magnus and tell him to come here.  Mom will give him further instructions.”

Alec nodded, and then Izzy was walking away on those black heeled boots that made so much noise on the hardwood floors.

Putting away his bow, Alec tried to understand why he felt so relieved about this turn of events.  He hadn’t been able to think of any way to start a conversation with Magnus after a gift like that.  Everything he could think of sounded stupid in his own head. 

Now he had a reason to contact Magnus.  The lightness in his chest as the phone rang made him realize that he had wanted to do this all along, so that Magnus knew he was still interested.  He still wanted to kiss him and hold hands and hug.  He just wasn’t sure he was actually ready for the next step, which according to his notebook was _stimulation with a toy_.

Just the thought made his throat tighten at the same moment that Magnus answered the phone.

“Alexander!  I’ve been waiting to hear from you.”

Alec smiled at the purr in Magnus's voice.  Then he thought of the gift and his mind flipped over to the mission.  “Magnus, I have an official order from the Clave,” Alec said.  “We need you at the Institute as soon as possible to make a portal.”

The silence at the other end of the line stretched on for a long time, long enough for Alec to realize that he had gone into Shadowhunter mode.   Ordering Magnus around.  It was the Clave’s order, not Alec’s, but that didn’t really matter.  Alec had nearly forgotten Magnus’s outburst at Luke’s, when he had complained about being called upon for every little magical need.  The silence had gone on for so long by now that Alec opened his mouth to apologize.

“Fine,” Magnus replied, and hung up.

Alec stared at the “Call ended” screen on his phone.  By that tone, Alec knew everything was _not_ fine.

***

Sure enough, Magnus barely looked at Alec when he arrived.  They had all gathered in the garden at the Institute.  Or most of them had, anyway.  All the Lightwoods, Jace, and for some reason, Simon had shown up.  Clary still wasn’t here.  Alec tried not to crowd Magnus as he worked, and tried to distance himself from his mother as she sniped at Magnus for not working fast enough.  Sure enough, Magnus remarked on how much of a discount he was working for, and all Alec could do was hang his head in shame. 

Then the hellmist crept in, and Alec couldn’t brood about the weird place his relationship with Magnus was in, because Forsaken were attacking his family, and Jace had gone off to talk with Simon in private, and then Madeleine died and they had to rush through the portal to escape.

Alec hadn’t really thought about going to Idris and what that meant: his phone wasn’t working, so there was no easy way to contact Magnus.  Fire messages were the mode of communication here.  And at the moment, there was no easy way back.

Obviously, it was safer for Jace to be in Idris.  It would be safer if Clary was here, too, but she wasn’t, and now everyone was all upset.  Not Jace, though.  Mostly everyone was upset that a Downworlder had made his way into Idris without permission.  Alec kind of felt bad for Simon, the way Aline refused to even shake his hand.  Once, Alec had felt the same way about Downworlders.

At the same time, being in Idris meant that Alec had a lot of time to think.

For some reason, when Magnus had explained it that night, the idea of a toy touching him didn't seem as bad as hands touching him.  Seeing the toy, though, Alec knew: that toy was meant to go inside of him.  That was only two more steps beyond stimulation.  And clearly the stimulation was the vibration.  The thought of that thing being anywhere near him made him break out in a cold sweat.  He had imagined – what?  A dildo?  Just some plastic thing touching him there.  Smooth, cold plastic.  He had thought such a thing would be less stimulating than Magnus's hands would be.

The plastic was not cold and hard.  Well, maybe cold now, but it was the flexible sort of plastic that would warm up with a touch.  And the vibrations... _God_...

He was grateful for the distractions of the Clave ordering them around.  He was assigned to bring Simon to the Gard, so that Simon could be portalled back to Manhattan, which meant he might be able to talk to Magnus.  Probably not, but at least the walk there and back would give him time to think. 

Jace wasn't so happy about that.  Alec had no idea what was going on with Jace.  He'd been spending a lot of time with Simon.  But since Alec couldn't exactly talk to him about his current problem, that was just as well.  And Simon would soon be gone.  "You'll go with him?" Jace asked.  "And make sure everything's all right?" 

The way Jace was looking at him meant there was something important going on here.  But what?  Given what happened in the Seelie Court – the queen demanding the "kiss the girl desires most" in order to free them, and Clary kissing Jace instead of Simon, her _boyfriend_ \- maybe Jace was worried that Simon and Clary would get back together?  Or did he _want_ them to get back together, since Clary was his freaking _sister?_ He wasn't sure.

"What's wrong?" Simon asked.

Jace broke the eye contact first and put on a big fake smile.  "Nothing.  Everything's fine.  Congratulations, vampire – you get to go home."

Alec took off as soon as Simon was ready.  He had no desire to converse with Simon, but of course Simon had to start chattering away as soon as they were on the road to the Gard, peppering Alec with questions about the Consul and the Inquisitor and then he started babbling about Isabelle and Sebastian, of all things.  Which led to Alec telling Simon about Izzy's dating history.  She never dated other Shadowhunters - she liked dating for the shock factor.  It would be just like Izzy to date a Downworlder.  Alec was the total opposite, which was why his relationship with Magnus was so strange.  Alec was about to spill to Simon that a vampire was exactly the type of guy Izzy would be into, because it was incredibly obvious that Simon was just fishing for information about her, when Simon said,

"Maybe she's trying to take the attention off you.  You know, since your parents don't know you're gay and all."

He spun around to face the little nerd.  He had a few choice words, like "What business is it of yours?"

Simon seriously didn't know when to shut up.  He started babbling about how Simon's feelings for Clary was like Alec's feelings for Jace, because apparently Simon knew that Alec had feelings for Jace.  And then – then! - Simon told him he should find someone else to date.  "For instance, I think Magnus Bane really likes you.  And he's pretty cool."

Alec snorted bitterly into the cool night air.  "Thanks for the advice.  But I don't think he likes me all that much."  At the moment, was what Alec meant, but of course couldn't say, because if Simon didn't get that Alec and Magnus were already dating after the incident at Luke's then there was no point in trying to get it through his thick skull.  Of course, the omission meant that Simon started giving Alec advice about hwo he should call Magnus.  Luckily, they were at the Gard and Alec was more than happy to hand him over. 

Just before the Consul took Simon away, Alec remembered Jace's instructions.  "He'll be send directly back to Manhattan?" he asked.  "And there will be someone on the other side for him?"

The Consul informed him that yes, Magnus Bane would be waiting on the other side.  So when the Inquisitor came down and informed Alec that he would no longer be needed, Alec decided that leaving Simon with the higher-ups would have to be good enough for Jace.  Inquisitor Aldertree seemed trustworthy. 

Alec didn't usually question authority.  Jace, however, yelled at him for not seeing Simon directly to the Portal.  "Who's to say this Inquisitor isn't a nut job, too?"

It was the most ridiculous line of reasoning Alec had ever heard. 

"If you start thinking you know better than the Clave and better than the Law, what makes you any better than the Inquisitor?  Or Valentine?" Alec countered.

Exactly the wrong thing to say to Jace, of course.  More yelling, and finally Izzy interrupted and Alec chose to stay outside instead of going back inside.

He hadn't meant to fail his parabatai.  Maybe it was like Simon said, that either because Alec never told Jace he was gay or because Alec never told Jace how he had felt, things would never be the same between them again. 

There was only one way he could make this particular situation right: he sent a fire message to Magnus, asking if Simon got back safely.

He expected a snippy response.  Something about being used for his powers yet again. 

Of course Magnus didn't respond back right away.  It was worse than a text.  The magic involved in a fire message burned up the paper in hand, and sent it directly into the hands of the intended recipient.  So Magnus clearly got the message right away. 

Why would he respond right away? Alec slammed his way up to his room, which thankfully he didn't have to share.  Magnus probably thought Alec was still trying to order him around from Idris, checking up on him.  Making sure he was doing his job. 

He hadn't even added anything else to the note, like _I'm sorry_ , or _I'm still thinking about it_.  

After changing into his pajamas and getting into bed, Alec's thoughts returned to Magnus's gift. 

_Why does it bother me so much?  Magnus knew it was next on my list.  He wanted me to have time to get used to the idea.  It was considerate of him._

And yet, Alec's stomach began to churn.

No one had ever touched him there.  Well, Magnus had come very close to touching his dick that one time, when he had unzipped Alec's pants.  But even more terrifying was the idea of anyone – or, apparently, any _thing_ – touching his asshole.

He never even touched it.  In the shower he used a scrub brush, which didn't feel good at all.  Unless he counted feeling clean as feeling good, in which case it made him feel really good. 

Under the covers, he moved one hand down over his abdomen.  Touched himself through his pajama pants.  That felt nice.  The fabric under his hands, crisp and clean. 

Already he was hardening, sensitive even to his own touch.  _I should go in the shower_ , he thought as his hand drifted up and slid down under the waistband of his pajama pants.  There was still the layer of his boxers between his hand and his skin.

But the shower had bright lights, and in the darkness he could pretend it was Magnus doing this to him.  That’s what he needed.  He needed to pretend.  To get himself as close to what he would experience with Magnus as possible.

Under the boxers now.

His own skin felt dry and strange against his palm.  Well, normally he would be in the shower.  He’d never had to think about lubrication.  He held himself, despite the tears under his eyelids.  He felt so warm in his own hand.  In the shower the water was hot, he’d never thought about the warmth that came from his own body.

Breath rasping in his throat, he released himself and slid his hand down.  There was a sensitive bit of skin and then, there it was.  That tight little button. 

He drew his finger over it. 

Like a rocket he shot from bed and sprinted to the bathroom, holding the tainted hand up in the air like it was radioactive.  He scrubbed it in the sink, sniffed his fingers, scrubbed again. 

How the hell was he ever going to do this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are in City of Glass territory now... note that some of the dialogue comes from the book.


	26. Chapter 26

Magnus.  Was.  Pissed.

After all he’d done for Alexander, this was the tipping point?  A sex toy? 

He had expected the gift to make Alec a little nervous.  Perhaps unsure.  He thought maybe Alec would return the gift and tell him he wasn’t ready for that yet, to which Magnus would have responded, _Of course. Let’s take it slow_.

He wouldn’t mind centuries of taking it slow with Alexander Lightwood.

But not this… dismissal.  It was back to before their first fight, which honestly had been more fueled by Magnus’s annoyance with Jace than anything Alec had done.  Alec wasn’t truly the one to blame for calling on him all the time, and Magnus would have been more than happy to do anything Alexander needed.  His Shadowhunter friends, however, were exceptionally needy. 

Three days of _nothing_ , and then, “Magnus, we need you to open a portal.”  No, _Hi, how are you_ , no _Sorry I haven’t texted you in three days_ , no _Magnus I’d like to see you and talk to you later, but right now I need a favor_.  Nope.  _We need a portal. Now_.  And Alec was off to Idris, a place where Magnus would have to portal to see him or talk to him, and maybe Alec and the other Shadowhunters didn’t understand how draining it was making portals all the time?

Except Clary, apparently, who pulled a Portal rune out of her ass and somehow transported herself and Luke to Idris like it was nothing. 

And then, Alec's fire message.

_Warlock Bane_.  That’s how it was addressed.  _What. The. Fuck_. 

Unsurprisingly, the Inquisitor had lied to Alec and told him they’d be sending Simon through a portal and Magnus would meet him on the other side.  Magnus very nearly wrote back right away just to have the pleasure of telling him that, but he chose to seethe all night about _Warlock Bane_.

It sounded to Magnus like Alexander had written him off.  No good-bye, no break-up.  A wall erected between the two of them, made up of all the differences between Shadowhunters and Downworlders.  Was this the thing mundanes did to each other?  Ghosting?  Except not.  Because apparently he was still Alexander Lightwood's bitch when it came to the Clave needing magic done.

Warlock Bane.

Magnus finally responded to the fire message the next morning with only the information Alec had asked for.  _No, I did not intercept Simon at a Portal.  In fact, there has been no portal activity in the city since Clary’s portal._

He did not sign the message.

He could have brooded about this for the next week, or until Alec sent him another message, but then Ragnor’s message came.  Ragnor Fell lived in Idris, not that Magnus cared about being in the same place as Alec.  Naturally, Magnus rushed to aid his friend and found Ragnor’s house ransacked and the lingering stench of demons.  Ragnor had left a message on the wall, about the Book of the White.  That's what Valentine was after.  Luckily, Magnus knew exactly where it was.

Ragnor had been in the process of smoking a rather copious amount of very good weed, it turns out, and Magnus didn't see any reason not to take up the pipe and start smoking what remained.  Despite all the drama about Valentine and demons in Idris and the Book, Magnus kept thinking about Alec. 

He should just forget about Alec.  Move on.  This relationship had been nothing but work. 

Then Magnus would think about Alec's eyes, and how driven Alec was to do the right thing.  Every time before, Alec had apologized for – for what?  Not telling his parents and friends that he was gay and dating a warlock, which was apparently his worst fear?  Was Magnus being too harsh? 

No, he decided.  He had given Alec a gift, specifically so Alec would have time to get comfortable with the idea.  If Alec wasn't ready, all he had to do was say the word.  All this stiff formality was rude.  Condescending.  Magnus was used to Shadowhunters thinking they were above it all, so Alec's comments back when they were first dating hadn't bothered him too much.  All the stuff about how strange it would be for a warlock and a Shadowhunter to date.  This latest message only confirmed in Magnus's mind that Alec looked down on him. 

He puffed angrily on Ragnor's pipe.  He wasn't sure how much later he heard hoofbeats outside.  Peering out the window, he squinted and thought he saw Clary and Jace approaching on horseback. _These damn Nephilim_ , he thought.  As he walked out to meet them, grudgingly grateful for the distraction, he realized it was not Jace with Clary, but some other golden-haired boy.  Magnus clenched the pipe between his teeth.  Well, at least he didn't have to deal with these two sober.

***

"Kiss me.  Right now.  Go ahead."

Alec stared at Jace.  How was this even happening?  Sure, he had brought up Jace's feelings for Clary.  Jace was torturing himself – literally, judging by the hand he'd smashed through the Penhallow's window – and he needed to stop.  All these weeks where Alec had finally gotten to the point where looking at Jace didn't make him feel things.  Imagine if Jace has said this to him a month ago?  Well, Alec wouldn't have kissed him then, either, but more because of the germs.

And now Jace was accusing Alec of pushing Magnus away.  Because Jace thought Alec was hung up on him.  Sometimes Jace has his head so far up his own ass--

"Exactly," Jace said when Alec didn't kiss him.  "Despite my staggering good looks, you don't actually like me that way."

_Not anymore_ , Alec thought.

"And if you're blowing off Magnus, it's not because of me.  It's because you're too scared to tell anyone who you really love."

Jace was right.  Even when he was wrong he was right.  Alec was still afraid of his parents finding out.  Even more than he feared the implications of Magnus's gift.  Even when the fear of germs wasn't controlling him, he had all these other fears.  It seemed like he would never reach the end of them.

So Jace didn't want Alec to go with him to free Simon from the Gard.  Fine.  Alec had a lot to think about.  Like how to fix things with Magnus.

***

Magnus wasn't even really sure how it happened that Alicante was burning and all the wards were broken, since he'd spent most of that afternoon high as fuck.  Then he'd puttered around, putting Ragnor's house back to rights.  He'd sent Clary after the Book, hadn't he?  He liked brooding here, Ragnor's place had a great, desolate view. 

Of course, the book was hidden in the house where Jocelyn and Valentine had raised Clary and Jace.  God, he was an idiot.  Of course Valentine could have been hiding out there as well.  Valentine had this thing for demons.  If there was one thing Shadowhunters and Downworlders could agree on, it was that demons were evil and needed to be slain.  Even a demon like Magnus's father. 

Magnus rifled through Ragnor's closet, looking for something better to fight in than the silk pajama pants and gold mesh top he'd been wearing for the past day or so.  Where was Ragnor, anyway?  He felt sure that he would know if Ragnor had come to harm, yet it seemed strange that Ragnor hadn't returned by now. 

He found some sturdy pants and boots that fit.  He didn't really want to change out of the mesh top for a plain black t-shirt, but one had to consider _some_ practicality when battling demons.  There was a lovely long gray coat that would cover most of this dull ensemble.  Ragnor really didn't have much by way of fashion sense.

At the door, Magnus hesitated.  Why was he putting his life in danger again?  He lived in Brooklyn, not Idris.  The Shadowhunters should be able to take care of themselves.  They always acted like they could, even when they were calling on him left and right for help. 

_Was he doing this for Alexander?  Was he really that stupid?_

Valentine was a threat to all Downworlders, Magnus told himself as he ripped the door open and headed toward the burning city.  This was surely Valentine's work, what with the stink of demons wafting toward him.  Magnus cared about Clary, too.  He felt like he'd had a hand in raising her.

And even though he was angry at Alec, Magnus didn't want him to die. 

So Magnus made his way into the burning city, choking on smoke and smiting demons that tore out of the dark shadows.  He imagined he looked quite the badass in his flapping coat, flinging his blue magic out, a lone figure in the swirling smog.  The deeper he got toward the heart of the city, the more demons came at him, and he had to stop admiring himself.  This was a massive attack.  Buildings had been demolished.  He couldn't even begin to guess how many demons there were; they raced like shadows just beyond his vision.  Without the wards, they could be coming from anywhere.  There could be multiple rifts. 

He was nearly to the Lightwoods' house when a trio of Iblis demons rose up before him.  He shot out his magic, but was forced to retreat.  The heat at his back stopped him.  Whirling around, he found more demons.  The fire made breathing difficult, and sweat poured down his face and glued the t-shirt to his body.  Backing away, he summoned his magic and hurled it out, but he knew he didn't have anywhere to run now.  He could feel the hot bricks of a building at his back.  He was surrounded. 

A movement from above distracted him for only a second.  A figure leaping from the roof, catching a lamppost, and landing lightly on the ground.  It took him but a moment to recognize his Alexander before the boy was slamming his seraph blade into a demon that had snaked around behind Magnus and most certainly would have killed him.

"Did you just – did you just save my life?"

"I'm an idiot and I should have called you before all this happened," Alec said quickly, turning to release an arrow into another approaching demon.

Magnus did the same, throwing one of his magical blue spears.  "Your city is under attack, the wards have broken, and the streets are full of demons.  And you're going to try to have this talk now?"

"I'm just... that, um... that... thing you gave me," Alec started to say, then they both had to stop to kill a couple of demons.

By that stuttered half-sentence, Magnus understood what Alec had been going through in the days before he had called needing a portal.  He couldn't even name it.  Magnus put his hands on his hips.  "Look, I'm tired of you not talking to me about things, then calling me only when you need a favor."

Alec's mouth opened, then shut.  And in that moment, a dozen more demons poured into the alleyway.  "Damn it," Alec said.

"Way to change the subject," Magnus muttered.

Alec was already reaching for another seraph blade.  "Tell you what.  We live through this, and I promise I'll talk to you about my feelings.  And I'll introduce you to my whole family."

"It's a deal."

***

They did live through it, and made it back to the Hall of Accords where everyone in Alicante had begun to gather.  Alec scanned the sea of faces for anyone familiar.  No one seemed to be in charge.  Most people were healing wounds made by demons and recouping.  Until the Inquisitor or someone higher up arrived, there was no one to take charge, and no one seemed to know how the wards had been broken or why the streets were teeming with demons.  The name on everyone’s lips was Valentine, whispered as if saying the name aloud would summon him.

“Talk to me,” Magnus said from beside him, and Alec realized he’d nearly forgotten Magnus was there.

“Jace said he was going for a walk,” Alec said.  “I don’t know where my parents are.  I think Izzy and Max are safe, they’re with Sebastian.”

Magnus nodded.  “Then there’s not much to do but wait.”

They found a quiet corner and collapsed on the floor. 

“How do you feel?” Magnus asked.

“Dirty.”  Alec was covered in demon ichor.  He itched to wipe off his face, but feared he would only get dirtier.  He sat with his knees drawn up and his arms out straight, his hands dangling out and away from everything else.  That was where it felt worst.  He wished he had put on gloves.  He felt a little proud that he hadn’t.

Then Magnus was taking his hand and curling his own fingers around it.  “Me, too,” Magnus said, and Alec gave him an exhausted smile.

“I got nervous,” Alec said suddenly.  His voice choked up and it took him a moment before he could even think about speaking again. 

Magnus’s thumb ran across the back of his demon-stained hand.  Alec grimaced.  “I thought that might be the case,” Magnus said.  “That’s why I wanted you to have some time to think about it.  It’s a big step, for any relationship.  We’ve only kissed a few times.  I didn’t expect that we’d be moving on to the next thing on your list right away.”

“That’s what it seemed like.”  The arc of movement of Magnus’s thumb entranced him.  Perhaps because his hand was so grimy, the touch didn’t do what it normally did.  Instead, it made him more comfortable with it.  Magnus didn’t mind the dirt.  He didn’t think Alec was disgusting.

“Can I just ask, what was up with the Warlock Bane business?”

“Oh.”  Alec winced.  “I’ve never send you a fire message before, huh?”

Magnus looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“When we were little and Hodge was teaching us how to send fire messages, Izzy started sending me all these stupid notes, telling me I had a big head or I smelled like poop or something.  So I’d write back insults too.  Then Hodge – that was our tutor,” Alec explained, because Magnus hadn’t met Hodge until he had betrayed the Lightwoods, “he told me that the Clave could see every fire message.”

“The Clave can’t see every fire message,” Magnus said.

“I know that, now.  But it’s kind of a habit now, to address my fire messages like, Master Maxwell Joseph Lightwood.  Super formal, like the Clave is reading every word.  Izzy thinks I’m a nerd.”

“So, Warlock Bane,” Magnus said drily.

“I know, I should have addressed it to High Warlock of Brooklyn, Master Magnus Bane.  Wait – what’s your middle name?”

“I was born before people had middle names.”

“Really?”

Magnus laughed a little.  “No.”  His thumb was starting to do something to Alec.  He shifted a little, and Magnus stopped.  “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“I just… not here,” Alec said.  He hoped Magnus wouldn’t think it was all because he didn’t want people to know.  More because he didn’t want to pop a boner in front of every Shadowhunter in Alicante. 

“Warlocks chose their own names.”

“Right.  I remember learning that.”

“Obviously, I chose Magnus because it’s one letter off from Magnum.  As in, Magnum-sized.”

And just like that, Alec was laughing and so was Magnus, and everything felt right again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had to change some things from canon in this chapter... Firstly, it's never specified what Magnus is smoking from the pipe. Also Magnus tells Alec he's 800 years old? But everything else I remember he's 400 years, so I'm going with that. 
> 
> The more major changes:   
> • Jace and Alec get into the "Kiss me" argument initially because Jace demands to know what's going on with him and Magnus... which seemed odd to me because Jace already outed Alec in the last book. (and, in this story, Jace knows they are dating and is cool with it). So I kinda cut out most of the argument and made Jace think Alec and Magnus's breakup was because of him, because Jace always thinks it's about him...  
> • In the books, Magnus and Alec were barely speaking ever since Alec denied they were dating when Jace outed him, and Magnus tells Clary that he won't acknowledge Alec until Alec acknowledges him. He was also pretty pissed about the "Warlock Bane" thing so I made it more about that and Magnus feeling like he's being used and ghosted.
> 
> And again, a lot of the dialogue in this chapter is taken from City of Glass.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Black for hunting through the night  
> For death and mourning, the color’s white."

“Alec, it’s almost time.”

On the wall, the sun made shadows that shifted and moved with the wind.   

“Come on, Alec, you need to get up.  Why haven’t you showered yet?”

Alec didn’t move.  He lay on his bed, staring at the wall. 

“Hey, bro.  Alec.  Don’t you want to take a shower or something?”

Alec stared at the wall. 

A weight sank down the bed behind him.  “Really?  I thought for sure that would work.”  Jace bounced a little on the bed.  “Alec Lightwood, refusing to take a shower.  It’s a historic moment—”

“Don’t,” Alec said, but his voice held no conviction and his throat was raw from crying.

“He speaks!  It’s a miracle!”

Rolling over a little, Alec glared at his parabatai.

Jace slumped a little.  “Sorry.  You know I cope with humor.”

Alec rolled back to face the wall.

“Look, Max was like my little brother, too.” 

Just hearing his name made Alec relive all the awful events of the past two days: Magnus disappearing when Sebastian showed up at the Hall of Accords.  Finding Hodge rotting away in the cell beside Simon’s.  Hodge dying in Alec’s arms, because of Sebastian.  Trying to kill Sebastian and failing.  Returning to find Max dead, because of Sebastian.  Holding his dead brother in his arms. 

He still had Max’s blood on his hands.

“I don’t mean to make it sound like you don’t have a right to be sad.  God, I’m bad at this.  But seriously, Alec.  You’re starting to smell.  You need to shower.  I honestly never thought I’d see the day when I had to tell you to shower—”

“If I take a shower,” Alec’s voice came out strangely loud and high as he sat up, using his elbows instead of his hands, “I’ll wash away the last time I touched Max.”

Jace stared at him.  “Jesus, Alec.”

He felt his face crumple, unable to hold anything in anymore, but then Jace wrapped his arms around him, so his face pressed into Jace’s white jacket.  White for mourning.  And here Alec hadn’t changed out of his gear.  He was getting Jace’s clean clothes dirty.

“Don’t touch me,” Alec said abruptly. 

Jace jerked back, giving Alec the space to swing his legs off the bed and get free of the touching, free of ruining everything he touched.  Alec had said the same thing to his father, when his father had tried to comfort him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Okay, fine,” Jace said, standing too.  “Figured you’d be okay with it since you don’t care about germs and dirt or whatever anymore.  I saw you holding hands with Magnus Bane.  But I guess you’re still mad at me.  That’s fine.  See you at the funeral.”

Alec stood staring at a spot of light on the floor until Jace left.  Then he walked into the bathroom and stripped down.  His clothes spilled their filth onto the floor tiles, and his hand left a smear on the shower knob.  With the hot water running off his hair, he watched the blood on his hands rinse off and swirl down the drain.

“You’re disgusting,” Sebastian had said.  _We all know what’s wrong with you.  They shouldn’t allow your kind in the Clave._ Sebastian had saved Alec until last to insult.  He was the worst.  Jace might have kissed his sister, Clary might have been stupid, Magnus might have been a half-breed warlock, but Alec was gay and that was the worst thing.  And because he hated Alec so much he had gone and killed Max, who hadn’t even gotten the chance to go on his first mission. 

Disgusting.  The same word Alec’s own father had used.

Robert had set his hand on Alec’s shoulder when Alec was still holding Max’s lifeless body.  That spot still burned, no matter how hard Alec scrubbed at it.  His hands were still faintly red even after he’d scrubbed.

Izzy thought it was her fault Max was dead.  Sebastian had gone after her first, knocked her out, and left her for dead.  But it was Alec who hadn’t been there, who had gone to find Aline and then instead found Magnus.  Maybe if he had found Aline, he might have returned before it happened.  Magnus was only around because he wanted that spell book.  “You stupid bitch,” Sebastian had said to Clary.  “Giving that priceless book away to a half-breed warlock.”  Sebastian had been right about that.  Magnus had disappeared right after Clary gave it to him. 

He shoved his face under the water when the tears came.  The water muffled his sobs.  By the time the water turned cold and he shut off the faucets, he felt wrung out.  Empty.

White was the worst color.  Every speck of dust and dirt showed up on it.  This was how Alec distracted himself during the funeral, made himself not cry.  His parents had chosen to have a private funeral for Max, family only.  Except Izzy – she had refused to leave her room.  Maryse stood erect and stoic.  Tears glistened in his father’s eyes, but didn’t fall.  Jace, naturally, wasn’t an ugly crier.  One tear, tracking down along his nose.  There was the smudge from Alec’s face there on the shoulder of Jace’s white coat.

“I hope I don’t smell anymore,” Alec mumbled, before the ceremony began. 

Jace looked at him, surprised.  No more words could come from Alec’s throat.  “Not any worse than usual,” Jace replied.

Max lay on the pyre with a white cloth over his eyes.  After Robert had spoken the words of mourning, and the Silent Brothers lit the fire, Alec realized that Jace was his only brother now.  And he wasn’t even sure who Jace’s real father was.

***

When they returned from the funeral, Clary told them about how Valentine had killed the new Inquisitor.  Simon went up to try to talk Isabelle out of her room, and neither of them came out.  Jace had gone into Clary’s room then snuck out; Alec suspected he was off hunting Sebastian. 

Alec felt so very tired.

There was no reason for him to get up in the morning, so he stayed in bed.  No one seemed to care.  No one needed him for anything.

The knock on his door was so quiet Alec wasn’t sure he’d heard it.  The second knock had his eyes fluttering open.  Along with the third knock came Magnus’s voice, soft.  “Alexander?”

Only a few minutes ago, Alec hadn’t been sure he’d have the energy to move ever again.  Now, somehow, he was sitting up and rubbing at his face.  He cleared his throat and said, “Come in.”

He saw Magnus’s shadow on the wall, heard the door click shut.  When Magnus didn’t immediately say anything, Alec turned.

Magnus was wearing white.

His throat closed up, and his vision blurred.  He tried, in vain, to tell himself that it was a coincidence.  Downworlders didn’t wear white to mourn.  There was no other way to explain a Magnus who wore a white button-down shirt and loose white pants, nary a sequin or speck of glitter in sight.  Even Magnus’s hair was swept back in a modest pompadour.

“I never met your brother,” Magnus said softly.  “But I am sorry that I wasn’t here for you, Alexander.”

“Where did you go?” Alec asked, turning away at the end of the question as a sob broke through.

“I had a promise to keep, to Clary.”

Alec struggled not to completely break down.  He hadn’t expected that.  He hadn’t expected that Magnus had done anything more than steal the Book of the White, as Sebastian had hinted.  But how had he ever doubted Magnus?  Why would he believe a word Sebastian said?

“Do you mind if I sit down?” Magnus asked.

Shifting his legs to make room, Alec nodded.

“And do you mind if… I hold you?”

If Alec had expected his nod to invite a simple hug, he was wrong.  Magnus’s hand first touched the back of Alec’s t-shirt, ran up his spine, and combed up the back of his head, where Magnus’s fingers curled into Alec’s hair and pulled his head to the shoulder of that white shirt.  Then the other arm came around and tugged him in even closed, gripping Alec’s bare bicep briefly before floating to Alec’s face.  Alec had closed his stinging eyes by then, and just breathed as Magnus ran his fingers gently up and down along the stubble there.  Alec shuddered; he had always kept clean-shaven, as he felt dirty when he had scruffy hair on his face.  Soon, however, he adjusted to the feel of Magnus’s fingernails lightly scraping his jaw.  It felt good.  The shuddering stopped, and Alec exhaled for what felt like the first time since Max died.

“Thank you for asking,” Alec mumbled.  “Jace didn’t ask.”

“I’m not sure you’re aware,” Magnus said, “and I’m not sure this is the best timing, but you need to know…”

Alec blinked his eyes open and waited.

“The Clave has decided to join Valentine, in order to prevent more deaths.”

“What?” Alec jerked his head up and stared at Magnus.  “They can’t do that!”

“They can, and I have no power to stop them,” Magnus stated, much too calmly for Alec’s liking.

Alec was standing now.  “What the hell have we been fighting for this whole time, if not to prevent this?” Alec demanded.

“They’re all down at the Hall of Accords.  It’s been decided—”

His gear was still dirty from before, he hadn’t washed it.  None of that mattered.  He slid off his pajama bottoms and jammed his legs into the ichor-stained cargo pants.  Grabbing his jacket, he turned to Magnus, who was no longer wearing white.  He blinked at Magnus suddenly head-to-toe in leather gear similar to Alec’s. 

Magnus had known exactly how to pull him out of his funk in order to get him riled up to fight. 

Alec couldn’t quite keep his mouth from quirking into a little smile.  “Let’s go.”


	28. Chapter 28

Clary’s idea was genius. Binding Shadowhunters to Downworlders, each giving the other their strengths, in order to double their fighting numbers against Valentine.  It had taken hours for the Clave to make the decision.  Now the time was here, and for some reason everyone wanted to talk about Jace and how Valentine wasn’t his real father, but Alec couldn’t focus. 

He had to find Magnus.

Magnus was the only Downworlder he trusted.  The only one he could stand to touch.  He would get stuck with Simon if he didn’t find Magnus—

His breath stopped when he saw him.  A long coat buttoned to the throat, his hair plain as it was this afternoon.  “That’s Magnus,” he breathed, and shoved his way through the crowd. 

Magnus didn’t seem to see him coming.  He’d been talking to Clary earlier – something about how he’d used the Book of the White to draw Jocelyn from her coma.  Shadowhunters were nervously looking around for a Downworlder to pair up with.  Some of the Shadowhunters had never known a Downworlder as a friend, but most of them did know Magnus Bane by name, as they needed his services as a warlock from time to time.  Alec had to get to Magnus before some other Shadowhunter snagged him.

“Magnus,” Alec said, once he was in hearing range.

Slowly, Magnus turned. 

“Will you fight with me?” Alec asked.

Dropping his eyes to the stele in Alec’s hand, Magnus nodded.

Alec drew the rune on his own palm.  Slowly, Magnus offered up his hand.  “I know this will not harm me,” Magnus said when Alec hesitated.  “I watched Luke receive the runes.”

“Luke was once a Shadowhunter,” Alec said.  Carefully, with great deliberation, Alec took Magnus’s hand.  His palm, sensitive from the new rune, responded to the skin contact.  A warmth was already spreading throughout Alec’s body. 

“I trust you, Alexander,” Magnus said.

Alec raised his eyes to meet Magnus’s.  Then, looking down at Magnus’s palm, Alec began to trace the stele across his skin.

Every point that the stele touched, Alec could feel in his own rune.  The sensation went deep, and he was trembling by the time he finished.  Now was the final step.  Alec put his stele away.  He released Magnus’s wrist and held his hand up, palm out.  Magnus mirrored the gesture.  As their palms met, their fingers intertwined, and the binding rune spun its magic.

It was like the rune had awakened every nerve ending in his body and infused it with magic – with Magnus.  Through his quickening heartbeat, he could almost hear it sizzle. 

At this point, he could release Magnus’s hand, and their powers would be bound to each other.  But Alec dug his fingers in.  He didn’t want to release Magnus’s hand.  He wanted more than their powers to merge.  He wanted to share all of himself with Magnus.  And he didn’t care who saw it.  

Magnus’s eyes widened as Alec leaned forward.  Then Alec was looking at Magnus’s lips, and in remembering those kisses they had already shared, how it felt to kiss lips so soft but then have the little prickle of a beard scratch his face, the taste of Magnus, Alec’s eyes slipped closed, and he pulled Magnus to him, grabbing that coat – a coat that might have germs all over it – gripping it in his fist, releasing their runed hands only so he could hold Magnus more tightly.  Their lips met, and Alec forgot anyone else existed. 

Against him, Alec could feel Magnus’s body responding to the rune in the same way.  Alec kissed Magnus as if he could devour him.  Magnus was a part of him now, and Magnus’s germs belonged to Alec too.  Alec moaned into Magnus’s mouth.  Their tongues found each other.  Their hearts beat together. 

With his rapid breathing and heartbeat, Alec found that both of them needed to come up for air.  When they did, Alec had to ask.  “Can I make portals now?”

“Probably, yes.”  Magnus had not looked away from Alec’s lips.

“I want to portal you out of here.  I want to do things with you.  Everything.  I want to do everything on the list.  Right now.”

In answer, Magnus pressed his lips gently against Alec’s.  When his lashes opened, and Alec could see those deep russet brown eyes, Magnus said, “If we make it out of this alive, I guarantee we will do all the things on that list.”

“Even number ten?” Alec asked, hands still gripping Magnus’s coat.  He knew Magnus could feel how much he wanted number ten.

“Even number ten.”

 

 

***

Alec knew his parents had seen him kiss Magnus.  Pretty much everyone in the Hall had seen.  His worst fear.  And yet, now that the secret was out, he felt… light.  Strong.  He felt like he could fight forever.  

When the rune wore off and the battle was over, Alec turned to Magnus.  Smoke rose up around them, the light of the little fires giving way to the rising sun.  He heard the beginnings of panic in his voice as he said, “I need to take a shower.”

“Of course.”  Magnus nodded, and turned to head back to the Lightwoods’ house.

Alec stopped him.  “At your place?” he asked, his voice rising.

“We would need a portal,” Magnus said carefully.  “And my magic is running low.”

The panic started to set in.  Alec’s hands were nearly black with dirt and ichor.  He gasped for air, coughed up smoke, gasped again.  There had to be some way!

“Why not your house, Alexander?” Magnus asked.

It wasn’t for that reason.  Alec knew it wasn’t because of his parents.  He hadn’t spoken directly to them since he had kissed Magnus in front of everyone, but he didn’t fear their reaction. 

“The last shower I took there,” Alec wheezed, “it was after Max…”  He couldn’t say the words, but they didn’t matter, because he had thought of a solution.  “The rune!”

Magnus raised an eyebrow.

“The rune… that Clary made.  To open a portal.  I could draw it, if I knew what it looked like.”

Would Magnus remember?  Some runes were complicated.  There was language to them, but would Magnus know it?

Lifting a finger, Magnus traced his sparkly blue magic in the air.  Alec withdrew his stele.  “You’re sure?” he asked.

Magnus nodded, and Alec traced over the magical lines.  He nearly laughed when it worked and a portal swirled open.  His free hand searched for Magnus’s.

They stumbled forward.  Stepping into the dimness of Magnus’s apartment felt like all the sounds and smells had been suctioned away.  Except for the screech of Chairman Meow as he tore from the room. 

Alec instantly felt cleaner.  But still, he needed to shower.  Still holding Magnus’s hand, Alec headed for the bathroom.

“Your robe is already in the bathroom, unless you need a new one?” Magnus said.  “It’s okay, you can shower first.”

“We can shower together,” Alec said, pulling Magnus into the bathroom with him.  Alec released Magnus’s hand so he could start pulling off his clothes.  Stripping off his soiled jacket and mud-caked boots felt like a shower in itself.  He tossed them on the floor at the far end of the bathroom.  After hauling off his shirt, he started to unbutton his pants, then stopped.  “Why aren't you getting undressed?”

Magnus licked his lips.  He was staring at Alec’s hands.  “I’m not sure if this is some kind of post-battle adrenaline thing, or if you’ve really thought this through.”

“Thought what through?”

“Being in a shower with someone else.  Being naked and pressed up against someone else.”  Magnus lifted his face and looked him in the eye. 

“You’re not just… someone else,” Alec said. 

“You don’t think this will be a problem?”

“If it is, there’s plenty of soap.”

Still unsmiling, Magnus nodded.  “If you believe this is okay…”

“I do.”  Alec reached up and started unbuttoning Magnus’s coat.  His hands so close to Magnus’s face, Alec wanted nothing more than to kiss him.  As his fingers worked the buttons, he contemplated the dirt and grime from hours of battle.  Magnus’s lips looked clean enough.  He had no idea about his own. 

Magnus’s words had settled in.  Perhaps Alec was still reeling from the effects of the binding rune.  Perhaps a shower was too much.  Alec could only remember how much he had wanted to not have clothes between them back in the Hall of Accords.  To not have an audience, which was another reason he wanted to shower here.  While he didn’t care if everyone knew they were dating, if everyone saw them kiss, he didn’t want them to hear them doing… other stuff.  Alec swallowed.  Licked his lips.  Slid Magnus’s coat from his shoulders.  Their faces hovered just inches away.

“Let me help you.”  Magnus’s voice had a husky quality to it.  His fingers brushed lightly against Alec’s lower abdomen, where heat pooled and began to throb.  Alec dug his fingers into the fabric of Magnus’s t-shirt. 

“I need to do that part myself,” Alec said, breathless.

Magnus immediately dropped his hands and in one motion pulled his t-shirt up and over, dislodging Alec’s hands.  Hurriedly Alec turned and started yanking his pants down, taking his underwear with them.

“You’re sure?” Magnus asked again.

Alec was hopping out of one pant leg, then the other, and now he was completely naked.  He took one step toward the shower when the water came on by itself, with a little spark of blue.  Alec glanced back at Magnus, who was about to take off his own pants.  The waist slid down over Magnus’s hip, revealing his thighs and smooth ass.  For a second Alec couldn’t breathe, then Magnus turned around, and Alec had to hang onto the sink to keep himself upright.

His entire body buzzed as Magnus cast off his clothes and came toward him.  Touching his fingertips to those of Alec’s free hand, Magnus asked, softly, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Alec nodded.  He felt his mouth hanging open and closed it.  Swallowed.

“Would you prefer to go in first?  Or me?”

“You,” Alec whispered.  He wasn’t sure he could walk the two steps into the shower at this point.

Magnus stepped into the stall.  Through the frosted glass Alec watched Magnus squeeze soap onto a shower scrub and started spreading the suds over his arms.  _He’s cleaning himself for me_ , Alec thought, a smile ghosting onto his face.  _He wants to be clean so I don’t feel like I’m entering a dirty shower_.  He took a deep breath and stepped into the stall.

The space inside seemed bigger than it usually did.  The two of them fit easily inside, somehow, both of them under the spray.  _Magic_ , Alec thought.  That was okay, it allowed them to both stand without touching.  Magnus handed him a second shower scrub.  Under their feet, the water ran gray and brown and red. 

“Would you like me to wash you?” Magnus asked.

Tearing his eyes away from the dirt below, Alec became suddenly aware of how hard he was.  “Yes,” he said, voice too loud for the tiled room.  “Um, let me… hold onto something.”

“I’ll just do your back,” Magnus murmured, and stepped behind him.  Alec gripped the little shelf for the soap.  He shuddered an exhale as Magnus ran the scrub over his skin. 

Was this was a massage felt like?  Did this count as a massage?  Magnus followed the curve of his spine, traced down the muscles of his shoulders to his waist and a little beyond, not far enough to say he had touched Alec’s ass.  All of Alec’s instincts were to grab his own cock.  It begged for touch.

“Did you feel it?” Alec asked, turning so suddenly that he nearly slipped.  Magnus didn’t have time to move his hand from where it had been, mid-back.  The shower scrub was now positioned against Alec’s chest, while his other had reached out to steady Alec by the elbow.  Their bodies were so close.

“Feel what, Alexander?”

Alec searched Magnus’s face, his furrowed brow.  “When we did the binding rune.  Did you feel… what I felt?”

“Yes,” Magnus said.

“Was it the magic?”

Magnus’s hand slid up until it touched Alec’s face.  “Love cannot be created by magic.”

So it was real, all of it – enhanced, perhaps, but it might also have been the contact between them, the heightened moment, Alec’s decision to show the world what he felt for Magnus, all working together to create a moment when Alec knew he could do anything for Magnus.  Even overcome his worst fears.

He felt that same surge of feeling again, and in leaning forward to kiss his, he felt their bodies touch, hardness against hardness, all of it, all at once, slippery and solid and warm.  Alec tasted Magnus’s mouth, opened to taste it again and again. 

With Magnus holding him just as tightly, the shower scrub forgotten somewhere below, Alec couldn’t count all the points where they touched.  Each place ignited a fire within him that wanted more, the grip on his ass, his cock pressed into Magnus’s hip, Magnus’s cock butting into his thigh, cradling Magnus’s torso against his elbow, mouth to mouth, hand on his face. 

When Magnus’s hand began to roam, the trail it left drove Alec to kiss Magnus harder, more frantic, until his mouth wasn’t enough.  He dropped his head to suck on Magnus’s neck, he wanted to devour him.  Those fingers danced over his hipbone, traced a narrow line down the muscle.

“Yes,” he seethed through teeth clamped on flesh, “yes.” 

That permission gave the fingers purpose, and they gripped him so tightly his legs buckled and he cried out.  Had Magnus not been so strong, they both might have fallen.  Breathing in the water that sluiced down Magnus’s back, scented with the lavender soap, Alec tried to focus on remaining upright even as that hand worked at him, faster and faster.  He could feel Magnus’s cock in there too, sometimes both members joined together in Magnus’s fist. 

He had no fear of making a mess here, though he had a sudden fear of it touching him.  He came with a choked gasp, desperately holding onto Magnus, and when Magnus joined him, the fall was softened by Magnus’s magic.  The shower washed it all away.  He was safe.  He was clean.  And he was in love.


	29. Chapter 29

Sunlight kissed Alec’s face.  He turned his head but did not open his eyes; his body didn’t want to move.  When he did feel compelled to stretch, the sheets slid beneath him in an unfamiliar way.

He paused, and touched his hand down to the satiny softness.  These were not his sheets.  Not his bed.  He’d somehow not already noticed that the air smelled less of disinfectant than he was used to.  There were other smells, coffee mostly.  Drawing his hand into his chest, he clutched at the shirt he thankfully wore.  When had Magnus last washed his sheets?  And why, after what they’d done last night, did Alec care?

Slowly, he opened his eyes.  They had been in the shower last night, that hadn’t bothered Alec.  Everything clean, instantly rinsing away.  And afterwards, they had both washed again.  Magnus had stepped out long before Alec was ready, but that was okay.  Feeling cleaner than he had in days, Alec hadn’t minded sliding into Magnus’s bed with him.  He hadn’t wanted to do anything more than sleep.  When Magnus had yawned and rolled over and wrapped his arm around Alec’s waist, Alec had snapped back awake for a second.  Just as quickly, his eyes had started to close again.  Magnus would have asked if he’d been more awake.  They’d both had a long, hard day.  And having that arm around him felt nice.

Now Alec brought his hand to his face and rubbed away the sleep.  Then launched himself up, stopping to let his head spin back to rights, and staggered down the hallway toward the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Magnus said.  He wore a loose silk kimono-style robe over a pair of boxer shorts.  “Look.”  Whirling and making a grand gesture with his hand, Magnus revealed a coffee maker with a full pot percolating.  “So you don’t have to worry about me stealing coffee from the café anymore.”

If Alec hadn’t felt so bone-weary and out of sorts, he would have been thrilled.  As it was, he could drink that entire pot by himself.  “Awesome.”

“It’s… your birthday present,” Magnus said, leaning forward.

“Huh?”

"Your birthday was last week.  Isabelle hinted that I should get you something.”

“Oh, cool.”  His birthday?  There had been so much going on he hadn’t noticed the time passing.  His birthday wasn’t important. 

Magnus’s face fell.  “You don’t like it.”

“No, no!  It’s not that,” Alec said, trying to summon up some energy.  “It’s great.  I could really use some coffee.”

His words had no effect.  Magnus dropped his head into his hands and sighed.  “I figured it was practical.  You’re very utilitarian.  And since my last gift didn’t go over very well, I felt the need to compensate.”

“It’s a great gift, I swear.  And… I didn’t hate your last gift… Uh…”  Alec couldn’t even think of any other word to describe how he felt about it.

“Please, Alexander.  You’re a terrible liar.”  Despite the accusation, Magnus smiled and turned to get a mug out of the cabinet.  Alec winced when his back was turned.  He knew what Magnus was doing.  Sure enough, Magnus picked up the coffee pot and was about to pour.

“Stop!” Alec said.

Magnus overshot the mug and spilled all over the counter.  “What?”

“I can’t… sorry.  I just need to—”  Alec took the mug from the counter and went to the sink to wash it.

“Alexander, that was already clean,” Magnus said.

He slowed in his vigorous scrubbing.  “I know, but…”  But.  He set the mug down in the sink and turned off the water.  “When am I going to stop being this way?” he asked.

“Do you regret what we did last night?” 

“No!  No, that was… just, no.  I mean, I thought after I did my first list that I would be better about little things.  Like… sleeping on someone else’s sheets.  Like drinking from a mug I haven’t washed first.”

“It takes time, Alexander.  And you’ll still have to work at some of those things.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec said, picking the mug up again and rinsing it one more time before drying it off.  “I feel sometimes like it never going to go away.”  He handed Magnus the mug again, then wiped up the spilled coffee with a paper towel.

“But you’re wrong,” Magnus told him as he handed the coffee over.  “Before, you wouldn’t have wanted this coffee simply because someone else had prepared it and touched the mug.  You’d be wearing gloves.  Slow progress.  But progress all the same.”

“Yeah,” Alec said.  He lowered himself onto a stool and sipped at the coffee.  "I guess it's just all..."

"Hitting you at once?  I had a feeling."  Magnus leaned against the counter and sipped his own coffee.  He made a face.  “Ugh.”

“You don’t like it black?” Alec asked.

“Of _course_ I don’t like it black.  I have taste buds.”  Magnus waved his hand over his mug, and a frothy concoction that smelled of caramel bubbled up.  “That’s more like it,” he sighed.

Alec allowed himself to smile into his mug.  The smile faded as everything that had happened in the past few days came back to him, all the horror and death.  He was used to getting dirty while on missions, and rescuing Simon had been a mission, but that didn’t explain how he had held Hodge as he died from Sebastian’s arrow.  Could he have done that before?  Distantly, he remembered the demon Abaddon and how he had frozen when it had slashed at him.  And Hodge had been filthy from his time in the dungeons, and bleeding… no, Alec probably couldn’t have touched him.  Not with bare hands.  And then Max… If Alec hadn’t made any progress…  “I probably wouldn’t have been able to…” Alec started to say, then he couldn’t finish.

Magnus was at his side in an instant.  “What is it?  What wouldn’t you have been able to do?”

The questions made Alec realize that he had been sitting and thinking and hadn’t been talking out loud.  Did Magnus even know that Alec had held his brother’s dead body?  Alec looked at him through blurry eyes.  “Thank you,” he said, before the tears overflowed.

“I’m going to touch you,” Magnus murmured as his arms encircled Alec’s shoulders.  That sentence had more love in it than anything else Magnus might have said in that moment.  It said, _I accept you as you are_. 

It was a long time before Alec had enough control of himself to tell Magnus about Max.  A long time of his face pressed against Magnus’s silk-covered shoulder, shoulders shaking, knowing that no matter how much he had improved, he probably wouldn't have been able to do what Magnus was doing for him.  Letting him cry on him, get snot on him.  Magnus handed him tissues conjured from somewhere.  He said nothing, just let Alec cry until he was ready to speak.

"Without your help, I couldn't have touched him," Alec said finally.  "I wouldn't have been able to touch my own little brother.  And I couldn't have touched Hodge, either.  He wasn't all bad.  He was like a father to me, to all of us... He was the one who taught us all to fight.  And to die like that, without a chance to redeem himself... I'm glad I could do that."

Magnus didn't say anything, continuing to run his hand in a large circle over Alec's back.  When Alec lifted his head, he practically had to peel himself off.  "You've done so much for me," Alec said.  "And I've hardly done anything for you.  I've never even bought you anything."

Looking down at the wet splotch on Magnus's robe, Alec wanted to start sobbing again.

"I don't need _things_ , Alexander," Magnus said, wiping the wetness from Alec's face.  "I've had centuries to accumulate _things_.  Perhaps you forgot how you saved my life just a few days ago?  I wouldn't call that _hardly nothing_."

"No," Alec agreed.

"Why don't you get cleaned up, and I'll get dressed, and we'll do something fun today?" Magnus said.

Alec picked up his mug and considered the cold coffee inside before setting it back down.  "I don't know if I'm up for fun..."

Gently, Magnus touched Alec's cheek and turned his face so that Alec was looking at him.  "Then go clean up, and I'll think of a pleasant way for you to pass the day."  Magnus had lowered his head with each word, so that at the end their mouths were just inches apart.  He punctuated his sentence with a kiss.

Alec didn't know what that meant, but he knew that he could trust Magnus.  Magnus wouldn't make him do something unpleasant, out where Alec would have to constantly fight his avoidance behaviors.  He washed his face in the bathroom, and changed into real clothes – nothing fancy, as he didn't think Magnus would be taking him to a fancy restaurant.  Just jeans and an old sweater that Alec had washed so many times it had holes along the seams.  He wore a dark t-shirt underneath, which made the holes less obvious. 

When Alec returned to the kitchen, Magnus was waiting for him.  He, too, looked comfortable, yet still much more put-together than Alec felt.  Tight jeans, and a printed tunic, perfectly applied eyeliner.  "Come, have a seat."  With a flourish, Magnus indicated the couch.

"Okay," said Alec.  Netflix binge, that sounded comfortable.  But Magnus did not sit down even as Alec settled onto his favorite spot.  Alex twisted around to see what the problem was.  Magnus was standing just behind him.

"Turn around," Magnus instructed with a little twirl of his finger.  Alec did as he was told, folding his hands.  He felt like a student.  With a snap that made Alec startle, the lights dimmed and candle flames flared up.  On the television, a video of ocean waves started playing with a soundtrack of soft classical strings.

Alec opened his mouth to ask what was going on.  He stopped himself.  Magnus clearly wanted to surprise him, and there was literally nothing scary about what was going on.  Everything seemed designed to soothe him.  He trusted Magnus. 

"I am going to play with your hair," Magnus announced.

"Oh," Alec said, somehow surprised.  "Okay." 

"This might feel a little bit like a massage, which is on your list, but it doesn't count."

"Why not?"

"Because I'll only be massaging your head," Magnus said, as if this explained it.  "Now, I want you to close your eyes."

Magnus began by running one hand up the back of his head.  Almost immediately the sensation awoke the nerve endings all over Alec's body.  Then, keeping that one hand entwined in his hair, Magnus began stroking the short hairs just above the nape of Alec's neck. 

"Um..." Alec pushed at the burgeoning bulge in his pants with his folded hands. 

"Does that feel nice?" Magnus hummed, tightening his grip.

"Yeah, but--" 

"Then no buts."  A stroke all the way up his neck to the crown, and then a kiss pressed right there.  "You just close your eyes and let this happen."

Alec tried to relax back into the cushions.  It was hard when his body felt so wide awake.  He pushed at his crotch again and sighed. 

Now Magnus started sweeping the hair back from his forehead, alternating hands.  The repetitive motion was relaxing.  Maybe this would work after all.  He exhaled again.  As Magnus seemed to play with his hair, combing at the sides to make a Mohawk, then sweeping it all to one side, then the other, Alec felt his body settle. 

He was breathing deeply and nearly falling asleep when Magnus stroked the top curve of his ear.  He might have thought it was an accident (and of course an accident that would make him start to get hard) but then Magnus did it again.

Suddenly, and without opening his eyes, Alec’s body was awake.

Now Magnus’s fingers were exploring.  One traveled up Alec’s short sideburns.  Another traced random curving lines over Alec’s scalp.  For a few moments Magnus didn’t touch him at all.  Then Alec felt little tugs on the ends of his hair – not hard enough to hurt, no, just enough to activate some nerve endings that reached all the way down _there_.

Alec shifted and tried to push his dick back down, to make it stop, and that was when Magnus yanked his hair.

“Hey!” Alec said, his eyes flying open.  “What was that for?”

“It’s an ancient Thai massage technique,” Magnus flared.  He tugged again, harder.  “Do you like it?”

Alec frowned.  “No.”

“Then hold still.  Stop—” Magnus indicated Alec’s hands in his lap, “—with all that.”

“I can’t.” Alec exhaled through his nose.  “You’re getting me all turned on.”

“Fabulous!”  Magnus began working his fingers through Alec’s hair again.

“It’s not fabulous,” Alec complained.  “I’m going to get dirty.”

“You are wearing a sweater full of holes and the most worn out pair of jeans I’ve ever seen.  Please tell me you aren’t afraid of ruining your clothes.”

“They’re comfortable.”  Alec folded his arms across his chest, knowing he was being unnecessarily grumpy.

When Magnus took his hands out of Alec’s hair and began to walk around the couch, Alec felt simultaneously relieved and disappointed.  “Darling,” Magnus said, curling up on the couch beside him.  “Why won’t you let me make you feel good?”

The words _I don’t deserve it_ wanted to come out, but Alec forced them down.  He wanted to say he was in mourning.  He wanted to say he was too tired.  _Do I not deserve this?_ he wondered.

Magnus’s hand came up and stroked the back of his head lightly.  “Perhaps you’d be better about not trying to suppress yourself if I was in the way,” he suggested.

“Suppress myself?” Alec asked but then Magnus was in his lap and pulling his hands to wrap around Magnus’s waist.  With his currently aroused state, the extra pressure and warmth made it worse.  And now he could see that he couldn’t adjust himself, trying to push his erection down, not with Magnus right there.

Magnus’s fingers raked along the light scruff on Alec’s face.  “You’re going to come for me, and then we’ll both feel better.”

What else could Alec say but, “Okay”?  Magnus was looking into his eyes and stroking his hair and occasionally touching Alec’s ear, or the nape of his neck, or massaging his temples.  Unable to “suppress himself” he grew harder and harder, gripping Magnus’s shirt in his hands until he couldn’t help but try.  Slowly, he shifted his hips. 

Magnus immediately grabbed a fistful of hair.  “What did I say?”

“It’s uncomfortable,” Alec protested.

Still with the fistful of hair, Magnus danced his fingers down Alec’s jawline.  “Would you like me to give it some room?”  Alec looked away, tried to think about it.  Magnus guided his face back.  “We did do this last night, if you recall.”

“But we were in the shower.”

“There’s no reason why you can’t take a shower afterwards.  And wash your clothes.”

Helplessly, Alec looked at Magnus.

“Would you like me to stop?” Magnus asked.

Remembering how cold he had felt during those brief moments when Magnus had stopped, Alec shook his head.  “I like it,” he started to say. 

“Then let yourself like it,” Magnus said, and worked his fingers back into Alec’s hair.  At the same time, his hips rocked up against Alec’s so that Alec had to close his eyes.  Alec’s body started to tremble, first his hands, no matter how tightly he gripped Magnus’s shirt.  Then his thighs, from trying to “suppress himself”, he supposed.  His breathing turned ragged.  All that happened behind the pulsing in his groin, pressing against his loose jeans until he was somehow touching Magnus’s thigh with it. 

In a low voice, very near to his ear, Magnus said, “Tell me what part you like best.”  Since Alec was having a hard time concentrating, Magnus clarified.  “Do you like it when I touch you here?”  He ran his finger around the shell of Alec’s ear.

“Yes,” Alec said, his back arching a little.

“How about here?”  Magnus pushed his hand up along the nape of Alec’s neck.

“Yes, that too…”

“What about when I do this?”  Here Magnus buried his fingers in Alec’s hair and moved his fingers in small circles.

Alec sighed.  “That feels good.”

Magnus’s hands seemed to search for something.  “And what about when I do this?” He tugged at a lock of hair that seemed to connect directly to his dick.

“Oh,” was all Alec could say as his cock jumped and he could feel a little wetness seep out.

“You like that, huh?”  Magnus reached down and stopped Alec’s hands.  Alec had instinctively tried to move them.  “Want me to do it again?” he whispered, so close Alec could feel the breath on his lips.

Alec’s hands twisted in Magnus’s grip, but he found himself saying, “Yes, please.”

“So polite,” Magnus said, and kissed him.  Alec could feel the smile on Magnus’s lips.  “Now, leave your hands where they are.”

Magnus sifted through his hair.  It seemed to take a while for Magnus to find that spot again, not that Alec minded. 

After Alec came, Magnus stayed parked in Alec’s lap, kissing him.  Alec was left feeling spun out and free of his anxieties, even if he did feel disgusting.  He didn’t want Magnus’s warmth to leave him. 

Eventually, though, agitation at the mess crept back in.  He pulled his face away from Magnus’s lips.  “You said I could take a shower after,” he said.

“Do you need my permission to take a shower?” Magnus asked, and went right back to kissing Alec’s neck.

“No, but… Are you trying to trick me or something?  You know, to steer me away from my… escape response?”

Magnus lifted his head.  “Of course not.  What I’m saying is that if you feel the overwhelming need to take a shower right now,” Magnus kissed him lightly and brushed his hair back, “you can ask me to stop kissing you and go take a shower.”

“So you’re making me choose between kissing you and taking a shower.”

“Am I making a good case for kissing?” Magnus asked, batting his eyes.

Alec smiled a little.  “I just… feel gross, that’s all.”

“Okay,” said Magnus, standing up.  Just like that, Alec felt cold, and somehow more gross than before.

“Are you mad?” Alec asked.

“Of course not.  There’s plenty more kissing that can be done once you’re feeling better.”

“Okay.”

Alec stood up.  He felt absolutely foul in comparison to how he’d felt last night.  It would take all his efforts not to waddle to the bathroom.  Magnus had gone into the kitchen and was pouring himself a cup of cold coffee.  He’d seemed sincere about not being mad, but Alec needed to do one last thing.  In the kitchen, he touched Magnus’s elbow.  “I do want to kiss more later,” he said.

All through his shower, he thought about how Magnus had smiled at that, and couldn’t stop smiling himself.


	30. Chapter 30

“You haven’t hosted any parties in a while,” Tessa teased, adjusting Magnus’s monogrammed pocket square.  “Does this boy not enjoy parties?”

“He doesn’t.  But I’m working on it.”

Across the way, Magnus saw Alec with his friends.  He was wearing some brown sweater and jeans, _to a party_.  Magnus would have to do something about him. 

Tessa's teasing hit a tiny nerve.  The Lightwoods had decided to host a party, to celebrate the defeat of Valentine.  The event, of course, was being held at the Lightwoods’ Alicante home, not out here in the woods.  Nonetheless, a Shadowhunter party was nothing like a Magnus Bane party.  A lot of twinkle lights and not enough alcohol.  Everyone was so _serious_.

“This is him, right?  The Lightwood boy?  I always thought you hated the Lightwoods unconditionally.”

Magnus shrugged.  “This one’s different.”

“You know you can’t expect the person you love to change for you,” Tessa said.

“I don’t expect that,” Magnus said, and pushed himself off the tree he’d been leaning on.  “I’ll throw another party soon, can’t have my old friends thinking I’ve abandoned them.”

As he left Tessa there in the trees and made his way toward Alec, he wondered if that’s what he was doing.  He was certain Alexander was making progress, but what if there was a limit?  If Alec was never able to get over his mysophobia, where did that leave Magnus, and their relationship?

Magnus could still feel Alec on his lips.  After Alec’s shower, he had kept his word, and they had kissed for hours on the couch.  Magnus had allowed Alec to control things, which meant it had been very sweet and slow.  Alec hadn't been as daring as he'd been in the shower, or even a couple of weeks ago, when he'd surprised Magnus with that hand job.  Magnus didn't mind.  He couldn't say that he wouldn't mind forever.

As Magnus approached, he noted how Alexander looked him up and down.  It reminded him of that first time he'd spoken to Alec, the way Alec had admired Magnus's shoes - not that Alec had been able to admit it to himself back then.  "Nice vest," Alec said, smiling.

"Would you like one exactly like it?  In any color you prefer, of course."

Alec blushed.  "I don't really care about clothes."

With Clary and Isabelle as an audience, Magnus lightly joked that he would love for Alexander to own a designer suit, and as Alec sputtered, Magnus whispered words to Clary that would have her hurrying off.  Now he only had Isabelle to get rid of.  He was surprised that Isabelle would miss the party; his first impression of her was of a party girl.  And she was dressed to the nines, in a clingy sparkling dress.

 "You would look amazing in a designer suit," Isabelle chided Alec.  "Why did you wait until you had a boyfriend to start thinking about dressing better?  I could have helped you, and you would have gotten a boyfriend way before now."

Magnus wanted to take Alexander's hot, flushed cheeks in his cool hands.  Alec shook his head.  "I never said I was getting a designer suit."

"Perhaps we should go shopping together," Magnus said.  "I'd love to take you to Paris.  Or Milan!  We could make a weekend out of it."

Isabelle pushed her brother.   "Alec!  You have to go!" To the untrained eye, Alec would not seem to have minded, but Magnus knew Alec was only tolerating his sister's touch, especially when she hooked her arm through his and leaned her head on his shoulder.  Alec didn't even try to move away or recoil. 

"I don't need new clothes," Alec insisted.

"Of course you don't," Magnus said.  He reached out to pinch Alec's sweater sleeve between his fingers, careful not to touch him.  "This only has a few holes in it."  He knew, because it was the same sweater Alec had been wearing before his shower this morning.  Or maybe it wasn't, given Alec's need for cleanliness.  He owned _two_ sweaters with holes?  Magnus suppressed a shudder.

Since it didn't seem like Isabelle wanted to leave them, they walked back toward the party.  Magnus had no real desire to attend this party.  None of his friends would be there.  The Lightwood house would be crowded with Shadowhunters who believed themselves superior, which made for a piss-poor party atmosphere as far as Magnus was concerned.  The house did look pretty.  Lanterns had been strung along the balconies, and the strains of classical instruments drifted out across the lawn.

"Simon!" Izzy called out, and sprinted off like a gazelle.  Simon the vampire had been talking to the werewolf girl, Maia, but he brightened at Izzy's arrival.  Now that he was free of Isabelle, Alec slipped his hand into Magnus's.  Magnus only had to look at his Alexander to know that Alec didn't want to go to this party any more than Magnus did.

Instead of following, Magnus tugged Alec's hand. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.  

"Okay."  Even in the dim light, Alec's blue eyes shone with uncertainty. 

Magnus placed one hand on Alec's shoulder and continued to hold the other in his own.  Though Alec did not appear to know the first thing about dancing, he instinctively put his free hand on Magnus's waist. 

"Don't worry, we're not going to waltz," Magnus said softly.  "Just sway a little."

Alec's shoulder relaxed a bit. 

The crickets made their own song to accompany the strings and piano.  The September evening was very nearly perfect – not too cold, just the hint of fall in the air.

"You were good with Isabelle," Magnus said, moving just a fraction closer to Alec. 

Alec gazed over at the house, where Izzy, Simon, and Maia were still talking and laughing.  "I'm her only brother now," he said.

There was nothing Magnus could say to that.  Silence was better; silence and a squeeze of Alec's shoulders, now heavy with that burden.  Dancing allowed them to be close without much touching, without the added pressure of being alone. 

Magnus would have liked to kiss Alec's neck.  He had worn some kind of cologne that smelled amazing.  He had come to think of Alec as being so practical that a small thing like cologne would escape him entirely.  A designer suit was not entirely out of the question then, despite Alec's protests.  Magnus imagined a shopping trip, a stay in a hotel room in Paris with a view of the Eiffel Tower, champagne and strawberries.  His fantasy slipped away as he imagined Alec looking at a hotel bed as if it were infested with bedbugs.  This was exactly why Magnus had not followed through with his desire to kiss Alec's neck.

Instead, Magnus moved his thumb so that he could run it along the lines of Alec's palm.  Instantly Alec sucked in a breath and his grip on Magnus's waist tightened.  The skin of Alec's palm was dry – his hand wasn't sweating at all.  Their touch hadn't caused Alec to become nervous.  It was a small victory. 

Knowing how sensitive one's palm was, Magnus lightly traced circles in Alec's palm.  They were hardly swaying now.  Magnus took a small step forward, so that their clothing touched all along the front of their bodies, and he felt Alec's arousal. 

"You're never going to die," Alec said suddenly.

The swerve in conversation made Magnus take a step back and forget all about the extra-sensitive nerve endings in Alec's hand.

"I am immortal," Magnus said.  "But that doesn't mean I can't die."

Alec looked at him.  "What does that mean, then?  To be immortal?"

"It means I'm immune to illness.  There are few things powerful enough to kill me.  I will not die of old age."

"Could a demon kill you?" Alec asked.

"Are you plotting my murder?" Magnus tried to joke.  Alec did not laugh, though his mouth quirked up a little.  Magnus knew Alec was asking more because he had recently become aware of his own mortality with the death of his brother than because he wanted Magnus dead.  "A demon could kill me, yes.  Stabbing me through the heart, cutting off my head, these things would kill me.  I wouldn't have enough time to heal myself." 

Magnus watched Alec's face as he processed this information.  "Have you been in love before?"

"Yes," Magnus said.  "Many times."

Alec looked at his hand, entwined with Magnus's.  "And they died.  The people you loved."

"Some of them, yes." 

Now Alec fell silent and looked off toward the house.  Magnus started to trace his thumb over Alec's palm again, but abruptly Alec pulled his hand away.  He didn't say anything, but it was a moment before Alec placed his hand in Magnus's again.  This time, Magnus simply held it.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

With a little lift of his shoulder, Alec said, "You're immortal and I'm not.  That's all." 

By the way Alec was avoiding looking at him, Magnus knew that was not "all."  He wasn't sure what to else to say.  This conversation did not normally come up in his relationships until much later.  It usually took time for mortals to understand their own mortality, to see how they aged in the mirror and Magnus remained the same.  With Etta, it wasn't until she had begun to talk of having children that the conversation arose.  But he had talked about his immortality with Alec twice now, and they had only been dating for a couple of months. 

Magnus could ask Alec if he wanted to be immortal.  The problem was that the question would sound like an offer, and two months of dating was not enough to convince him to spend an eternity – especially not with the doubts Tessa had brought up.  Would Alec want to abandon his life as a Shadowhunter?  Would Alec want to watch his family members die, and his friends? 

So Magnus said nothing.  But he lowered his head to rest on Alec's shoulder as they swayed.  One thing he had learned in his life as an immortal was not to let moments like this slip away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't posted in so long! And while this chapter is a bit slow and heavy, here's what we have to look forward to: the Malec around the world trip!


	31. Chapter 31

Alec wasn’t entirely sure how it happened that he was going to Paris with Magnus.  Sure, they’d mentioned something about shopping for a designer suit last night, but Alec still wasn’t expecting to go down to the kitchen for breakfast the next morning and find Magnus there, laughing and chatting with his parents.

“Hi,” he said, feeling like he was interrupting somehow. 

“Good morning,” said Maryse. His mother looked more relaxed than he’d ever seen her as she leaned against the counter with a cup of coffee.  His father looked constipated, but that wasn’t abnormal. Magnus just smiled at him over his shoulder until Alec sat down on the stool beside him.  “Your boyfriend was just telling us about the trip you two are planning.”

“Trip?” Alec said.

“Yes.  The trip to Paris.” Magnus was giving him a look that said to play along.  Alec looked at his mother and tried to smile.

Maryse gave him an equally fake smile back.  “I had no idea you wanted to travel.”

He didn’t.  Traveling meant coming into contact with foreign germs.  It meant hotel rooms and bathrooms that might look clean but which had been used by hundreds of other people.  Hotels were like living in a public bathroom.  Who knew how clean the sheets were?

“Well, we were just talking about going shopping,” Alec said.  “I figured it would be a day trip.  You know, portal there, portal back?”  He pleaded to Magnus with his eyes.

“Portals consume a lot of energy.  And besides, that’s no way to see Paris!”  Magnus looked at Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood, shaking his head.  “He’s so concerned with his responsibilities here.  On his way to becoming a workaholic.”

“He _has_ been involved in a lot of missions lately,” said Maryse. 

“Dangerous missions,” Robert added, and he and Maryse had a conversation between them without saying a word.

“We think it’s a great idea,” Maryse announced.

“Fantastic!” Magnus said, grinning at Alec.

Alec swallowed and tried to look happy despite the tightness in his throat.

***

After breakfast, which Alec barely choked down – even though Maryse had stepped aside to let Alec cook his own food, as usual – Alec walked Magnus to the door.  He was itching for some space to think about this new development.  Then Magnus said, “I’ll help you pack,” and started to head up the stairs.

“Pack?  When are we leaving?” Alec asked, staying where he was.

Magnus stopped and turned around. “We have a red-eye flight.  It leaves at nine-fifteen.”

Alec blinked.  “A _flight_?”

Smiling, Magnus skipped up the stairs.

Alec charged after him.  “What do you mean, a flight?  On an airplane?”

“Generally that’s how it’s done.”

“Why wouldn’t we portal there?  I don’t understand.  I don’t have a passport or anything.  We’re going to put our lives in the hands of mundanes?”

Turning the corner, Magnus stopped at Alec’s closed bedroom door.  He had his hands in his pockets. “Flying in an airplane is actually one of the safest modes of travel.”

Alec stared at him.  “Have you ever been on an airplane?  It’s basically a tin can with recycled air.  The seats are so small I’d be touching the person beside me no matter what.”

“But the food comes in sealed packages,” Magnus said.  “Besides, I was kidding.”

“I don’t care about the food,” Alec said before the second part of the statement hit him. “Oh.”  His heartbeat began to slow.

“I wouldn’t do that to you.  I’m sorry to worry you, Alexander.”  Magnus reached out and touched his face, very gently.  Alec nearly pulled away.  “I suppose – it’s selfish of me to want us to go on a romantic trip.  Surely staying in a hotel would not be so bad as flying on a plane?”

“I guess not,” Alec said, even though it was.  His brain had caught on the word selfish.  If he was normal, and this was a normal relationship, they would be able to go away on a romantic trip without a second thought.  They could even have taken a plane, if creating a portal was in fact as draining as Magnus sometimes said. 

“Shall we talk while you pack?” Magnus asked, indicating the still-closed door.

“Oh.  Right.”  Why had he hesitated about opening the door? It wasn’t like Alec was going to launch into his old habit of stripping down the moment he entered his room, either.  Even if he had managed to shed that habit, the old habit of trying to keep other people from entering was still ingrained.  Alec reached out and turned the knob.

Magnus followed him in, gazing around at the stark white walls and the neatly made bed.  “The last time I was here you were so ill I didn’t really get a good look around.”  He shrugged a little.  “But there’s not much to it, is there?”

“You’ve never been here.  When I was sick I was back at the Institute.  Besides, we don’t live here all the time,” Alec said.  “Most of my stuff is back home.”  Not that his room in the Institute looked much different.

“Right,” Magnus said.  “I suppose it just looked so similar to your other bedroom.  Oh, wait – here’s a sign of personality.”

With a little flicker of embarrassment, Alec saw that Magnus had pounced on the paperback novel at Alec’s bedside.  “Ah, I remember this.  Are you enjoying it, Alexander?”

“Yeah,” Alex said, shuffling to the closet where he had a bag.  “Maybe we could stop at the Institute so I can pack some of my other clothes?  I don’t have much here.”

“What else could you possibly need?  You have underwear, pants.  Sweaters full of holes.  Honestly, you don’t need to pack much of anything.  We’ll be getting you a whole new wardrobe.”

Alec looked longingly at his black pants and black shirts.  “What about my seraph blades and my bow?”

“Alexander.  We will not be needing weapons on this trip.  Although… I wouldn't mind if you brought that thigh holster you often wear in battle.”

“What for?”

Magnus shrugged.  “You never know.”

Alec shook his head.  “I guess I don’t need to bring any of that stuff.”  He started pulling out the clothes he would take.  Maybe one blade would fit.  "I need something to put all my bathroom stuff in," he told Magnus.  He'd never had to travel his things back and forth to Idris – he had duplicates in each house, and he'd never slept anywhere else. 

Producing a large ziplock bag, Magnus asked, "Will this suffice?"

"Where did this come from?" Alec asked, examining the plastic.  The bag looked brand new. 

"Magic."  Magnus waved his hands theatrically.  When Alec didn't laugh, he said, "From my kitchen."

"It's clean?"

"Of course it is."

Alec went into the bathroom and gathered up his toothbrush and toothpaste and comb.  The bag did look clean.  It bothered him that his toothbrush would be touching other things.  Maybe he could buy a new toothbrush in Paris. 

He wished he had a separate bag for his razor and shaving cream.  He contemplated the bottle of bleach under the sink.  Sighing, he closed the cabinet under the sink and sealed up the bag with everything in it.  Even his toothbrush, the bristles sticking in the corner.  He could never use this toothbrush again.  At least the razor could be cleaned. 

“I guess I’m ready,” Alec said, emerging from the bathroom with his bag.

“Shall we portal from here?” Magnus asked.

A strange feeling settled over him.  He would be giving up the ability to have clean clothes and a clean toothbrush, or clean anything, for who knew how long.  Had Magnus mentioned how long this trip would last?  Alec had assumed it would only be a few days, but neither of them had any pressing appointments or reasons to come back in just a few days.  Indefinite amount of time spent feeling uncomfortable and dirty.  No, he did not want to add a portal in his bedroom to further make things feel terrible.

“Outside would be better,” Alec said.

It wasn’t until they were outside and Magnus was waving his hands around in order to generate the portal that Alec realized something.  “Aren’t you bringing anything with you?” Alec called over the whooshing winds.

“I’m magic, remember?” Magnus threw a brief smile over his shoulder.

So Magnus would magic his own things to wherever they landed in Paris.  Great.  Couldn’t he have done the same for Alec before his toothbrush got ruined?

Naturally, the portal opened into a deserted alley somewhere in the middle of the French city.   Alec made a face as the smells hit him and clutched his bag to his chest. 

"It doesn't smell like this everywhere," Magnus assured him, striding out to the sidewalk.  "Look at this!  New York has a lot of things, but it doesn't have this kind of atmosphere.  This _je ne sais quois_."

Alec wasn't seeing the difference.  The sidewalk was just as dirty as the alleyway.  "Can we just get to the hotel or whatever already?  I need to take a shower."

"Alexander."  He heard the softness in Magnus's voice and hated it.  "Would you look up?"

Heaving a sigh, Alec lifted his head. 

The Eiffel tower was right there, looking like a postcard as it rose up above the rooves.  Magnus was right; there was something different about this city.  The buildings were older, and had a mix of styles.  People weren't scurrying around like rats here, either.  Couples walked hand in hand, and everyone seemed more relaxed. 

"It's pretty," Alec admitted.

"I want to hold your hand and walk everywhere with you," Magnus said.

He wasn't holding Alec's hand now, though.  Alec wasn't sure he could do it at the moment.  He kept both hands on his bag.

"I've reserved us a room at a five-star hotel."  Magnus turned left and began walking.  Alec followed.  He wished he didn't feel relief.  "A hypo-allergenic room.  That means the room will have been cleaned to an inch of its life.  I thought that would make it more tolerable for you?"

"Yes.  Thank you."

Like any other city, however, there were homeless people on the streets, and cars polluting the air, alongside the smells of fresh crepes and the sounds of street musicians.  Because they weren't glamoured, people bumped into them.  A doorman opened up for them so Alec didn't have to touch the handle, thank god. 

Inside, the ceiling rose high overhead, and Alec finally felt like he could breathe.

He let Magnus take care of checking them in.  Soon enough they each had a room key and were stepping into the elevator.  Alec felt a little better after they got to the room.  The bathroom was pristine, and the room was large and spacious with a balcony.

"This might not be so bad," he said.  "The sheets are clean.  It kind of bothers me that other people have used them before, though."

Magnus had settled onto the bed with his shoes on.  “Alexander, will you put down your bag at least?”

Instead of doing that, Alec tightened his grip.  “I don’t think I can do this.”

“What’s the problem?  You’ve come so far.  This is the cleanest room I’ve ever seen, aside from your room–”

“It was clean until you put your shoes on the bed!” Alec exploded.

Magnus studied him for a long time.  “Maybe you’ll feel better once you’ve taken a shower.”

Frowning, Alec took his bag into the bathroom and closed the door.  Now he felt guilty for wanting a shower.  And angry.  A shower would help.  It had to help.

Alec scrubbed at his skin, trying to peel away the layers that had been contaminated by the foreign air.  Then the bathroom door opened.  Alec dropped the bar of hotel soap that was already a sliver in his hands.  “What are you doing?”

“Would you mind talking to me, Alexander?” Magnus asked.  Alec could only see a shadow beyond the shower curtain, moving to sit on the toilet – or maybe it was the bidet, Alec had noticed the two toilets and knew what they were, but he hadn’t bothered to figure out which was which.  He knew he had placed his clean clothes on one of them. 

“Can’t it wait until I’m done?”

“You’ve been in here for forty-five minutes already.”

“So?  You know I take long showers.”

He heard Magnus take a deep breath and exhale.  “I feel as though you’re angry at me.”

Alec opened his mouth to say that was ridiculous, then realized it wasn’t.  He was angry at Magnus.  Soaping up his shoulders, he said, “I am angry.”

Magnus didn’t say anything, so Alec kept talking.  “I should have told you I didn’t want come here.  I’m not ready.  And you didn’t even ask me, you asked my parents!  I’m eighteen.  I’m not a child.”

“I don’t think you’re a child,” Magnus said quietly.

“Then why are you treating me like one?”

“I’m trying to help you.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to always have to help me!” The shower amplified Alec’s voice.  He took a ragged breath.  “I just mean, sometimes I’d like to feel normal.  I don’t want you to have to make all these special arrangements for me, when I can’t…”  Alec placed his hand on the wall and had to force the words out, “do anything for you.”

“You know that isn’t true, Alexander.”

“Yes it is!  You took me out to dinner, you got me a new robe, a coffee maker, you’re taking me on this trip, and I haven’t given you one single thing.  Name one thing I’ve given you.”

“Your trust.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Your loyalty.”

“ _Stop it_ ,” Alec said, yanking the shower curtain aside so hard one of the rings popped off.  Magnus jumped from his perch on the toilet seat, and Alec didn’t miss the way his gaze went from startled and looking at Alec’s face all the way down the line of Alec’s torso and lower.  “That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

“Ah… hmmm,” Magnus said.

“You need to let me buy you something,” Alec demanded. 

“Okay,” said Magnus.  Then he got up and left the bathroom, leaving Alec alone in the shower spray wondering what had just happened. 

As he dried himself off and dressed, he slowly came up with a plan.


	32. Chapter 32

It took only a few minutes of research on his phone.  He’d never been to Paris before, though, and he wasn’t sure exactly where Magnus would want to go shopping. 

He knew he would have to tolerate a lot before he could get to the fun.  “I’m wearing my gloves,” he told Magnus.

“It is rather chilly out.  I think I’ll wear gloves as well.”

Alec kept his hands in his pockets.  Not that he didn’t want to hold Magnus’s hand; he did.  He also knew that he was still feeling a bit itchy and if Magnus was going to have him fitted for a suit, it would involve a lot of touching. 

The first store Magnus took him into had an array of men’s evening attire.  Alec couldn’t help but be drawn to the rich silks of a display of ties, and the well-cut lines of a suit on a mannequin.  “What’s your pleasure?” Magnus asked.

Alec looked around.  “I’m not very familiar with fashion designers,” he said.

“How about a color preference?  Don’t say black.”

That had been on the tip of his tongue, and he shut his mouth.  “Black pinstripe?” he asked.

A salesman approached and said something in French.  Magnus answered back fluently, then gestured to Alec and said, “My friend only speaks English.”

“Very well.”  The man barely had an accent.  “What type of event will you need to dress for?”

“Umm,” Alec looked to Magnus for a lie, “a fancy party?”

“Is the event black tie?”

“No?”

Magnus smiled at his responses and turned to the salesman.  Alec didn’t know what Magnus said to him in French but he was sure it was something about how all of Alec’s sweaters had holes.  He turned so the anger wouldn’t rise up again.  “Oh, I like this one,” Alec said.

“You have a good eye,” the salesman said.  “This is Armani, from the new fall collection.  Would you like to try it on?”

Over the next forty-five minutes, Alec tried on jackets and pants, mostly in dark fabrics.  He had expected to dislike wearing clothes that someone else had possibly tried on, but because the jackets went on over his t-shirt, and he wasn’t as concerned about germs against his legs, he found himself asking to try on more and more.  “Were you serious when you said no black?” Alec asked, poking his head out of the dressing room.  So far he had refrained from flat black, though he had tried on a black velvet jacket, a black pinstripe, and a herringbone that looked mostly black. 

Magnus rolled his eyes, but smiled as he did it.  “Black does suit you.  But the more I see you try on these pret-a-porter items, the more I would like you have to have a suit tailor-made to your specifications.”

They crossed several streets and walked over a bridge to a narrow little shop.  There were suits displayed in the windows, but once inside, Alec only saw swatches of fabric and little pedestal in front of several mirrors.  Suddenly Alec understood what “tailor-made” really meant.  A tailor would make him a suit.  From scratch.

Magnus greeted the shopkeeper with some familiarity.  He did not offer that Alec only spoke English, which made him wonder if the shopkeeper did not speak any English. 

Alec found himself half-undressed and standing on the pedestal.  The tailor would mutter some instruction, and Magnus would translate, as Alec had his measurements taken. 

The measuring tape around his chest wasn’t bad – he still wore his shirt.  He flinched away from the neck measurement at first.  “I don’t like this,” he told Magnus.  The arm length tickled a bit.  The waist measurement made him suck in a breath, which he held as his hip measurement was also taken.

The inseam measurement was nearly more than he could bear, especially as he was only wear boxer shorts.  He covered himself, cheeks burning, as the shopkeeper chuckled and made some kind of joke to Magnus.

“He thinks all American men are repressed,” Magnus said.  “And also, you can put your pants back on.”

At least after that point, Alec got to pick out fabrics.  He liked the cool sateen black, which also came in a pinstripe.  “How about a three-piece suit?” Magnus suggested.  “I’d love to see you in a vest.”

While Magnus discussed prices and other practicalities with the tailor, Alec checked his phone.  Thank god, they had walked nearly all the way there.

One more stop, to a more casual clothing store, where Magnus found himself a jacket with a large brocade design, and several new pairs of jeans and pants and one hole-less sweater for Alec.

“How about dinner?” Magnus asked when they walked out, arms laden with bags.

“There’s a store I’d like us to visit,” Alec said.  “It’s only a few streets away.”

Curiosity piqued, Magnus said, “Lead the way.”

Humming with excited energy now, Alec grabbed Magnus's hand and pulled him along.  His ungloved hand.  Magnus clutched it tightly.  "I must say, I'm happy to see you starting to get into the spirit of this trip.  Do Shadowhunters not go shopping often, or is it just you?"

"Izzy likes to shop," Alec said, checking the GPS on his phone.  "She goes shopping all the time.  Jace doesn't like to shop.  Well, he likes to shop more than I do."

"Imagine that."

"I just don't see the need to buy a lot of clothes.  You can only wear one pair of pants at a time."

"And you've never had the need to buy _nice_ clothes, is that correct?"

Alec felt his face heat up.  What must Magnus think of him?  "We don't have a lot of parties.  We don't usually go out, and if we do, like we have to raid clubs, it doesn't really matter what we wear, because mundanes can't see us.  We wear gear to get our jobs done."

"Seems like Izzy manages to look stylish when she's on a mission."

He didn't have a comeback for that.  Instead, he said, "We're here."

Magnus gaped for a moment before a giant grin took over his face.

"I want to buy you something from here," Alec said, feeling his face start to burn.  "But I wanted to make sure it fit you, and that you liked it, instead of trying to sneak away from you and surprise you and all that."

"This is quite a surprise in itself."  Magnus seemed to be flushed as well.  Suddenly, he turned and pulled Alec's face toward his and kissed him, on the mouth, in the middle of Paris in the middle of the sidewalk.  It was no quick kiss, either.  Magnus kept his hand pressing, not that Alec was pulling away.  As irritated as Alec had been with Magnus earlier and the whole Paris trip in general, what had irritated him more was how he hadn't felt like he wanted Magnus to touch him.

They walked through the door of the men's intimate apparel store holding hands.

"Unbelievable as this might seem," Magnus said, "I have not invested much attention in my undergarments."

"You lent me silk boxers," Alec protested, his eyes sticking to all the headless mannequins with their bulges stuffed into briefs and thongs of all colors and fabrics.

"Alexander, I am quite sure you see the difference between silk boxers and these."  Magnus gestured to a red satin thong.

An unbidden image of Magnus wearing the thong popped into Alec's mind.  The image was also dancing – gyrating was probably the better word – with his arms up behind his head to show off his abs. 

"Umm, yeah," Alec mumbled. 

A clerk approached.  “If you need any assistance, I will be very happy to help you,” the man said in nearly perfect English.

“Would we be able to try a few things on?” Magnus asked.

“Certainly.”

Magnus smiled.  “Fabulous.”  He turned to Alec and squeezed his hand.  “I see many things I would like, but I want you to pick something out for me.”

The enormity of what Alec had offered to Magnus threatened to overwhelm him.  What had he been thinking, that Magnus would just pick some cute boxers and Alec would pay for them and they would leave?  On his phone Alec hadn’t browsed what the store had to offer, he had figured sure, some red satin thongs.  Maybe something leather like the tight snakeskin-patterned briefs on the mannequin beside him.  Alec tried to swallow – why did his mouth feel so dry?  Was it the leather t-shirt the mannequin was also wearing?

“I think we’ll try this particular ensemble,” Magnus said, and told the clerk his size.  He squeezed Alec’s hand lightly.  “Is there anything else you’d like to see me in?”

Alec jerked his head away and tried to focus.  His gaze settled on a mannequin wearing a tank top and briefs made entirely of black mesh.  “That one,” he said.

His heart hammered away in his ribcage as Magnus spoke to the clerk again.  He forced himself to look at some of the things on the tables.  This was better.  Less in his face.  Just rows of briefs and thongs and boxers, neatly displayed.  Alec froze when he saw a display of plastic-looking pleather shorts in a variety of bright colors, with zippers on the sides.  He dragged Magnus away from that display to a safer one, boxer briefs in different patterns.  Magnus leaned in and whispered, “Are you okay?”

Alec nodded and pointed to a pair with a paisley print.  “Those look like something you would wear,” Alec said.

“They do.  Shall I try them on?”

Another nod.  Alec wasn’t sure he could talk anymore.  He wanted to be someplace where he wasn’t looking at so much of this kind of thing, and the back of the store looked like some strange S&M land where he definitely didn’t want to go.  He turned away, and that’s when he saw the perfect thing.

“That,” he managed to say.

Magnus’s hand-holding became their arms entwined and bodies pressed together.  “I was hoping you would pick that one,” Magnus whispered.

“Which color?” the clerk asked.

“The red,” said Alec hoarsely.

“Ah yes.  The rose,” the clerk echoed with a definite French accent on the _r_.  As if to say the garment was not something so common as red.  _Rose_.  Yes, that was the color to describe it.

“Let’s go to the fitting room,” Magnus suggested, pulling Alec along.

These were not the fitting rooms at GAP, where Alec usually shopped, or even H&M, where Izzy liked to shop.  Each fitting room had a full door, with a plush bench facing a curtained-off area that contained a three-way mirror.  The rooms had a soft golden light and striped wallpaper. 

The clerk had already placed the items they had selected inside.  “Please let me know if you should need a different size.”

After the door had closed, Alec sat down on the bench and exhaled.  “This is the fanciest fitting room I’ve ever been in.”

“And it’s very private.”  Magnus winked as he closed the velvet curtain between them. 

For a moment Alec panicked.  He’d never done anything like this before.  The dressing rooms in the other fancy store hadn’t been like this.  Had he inadvertently taken Magnus to a sex shop?  A gay sex shop, where they let you “try on clothes” only what they really meant was that you had sex in the fitting room? 

Behind the curtain, Alec heard unzipping and the rustling of fabric.  He wondered what Magnus would try on first.  Before Magnus could come out, Alec put his hands between his knees to counteract the boner he was sure to get.  Maybe he was just anxious, but it seemed Magnus was taking a very long time in there.  “Do they fit?” Alec asked.

“Yes,” Magnus said.  “Are you ready?”

As ready as I’ll ever be, Alec thought.  “Yes.”

One tan leg swung out from behind the curtain.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Alec said.

Magnus cast the curtain aside and struck a pose, but all Alec could see was leather.  Leather that molded to Magnus’s muscular body like it had been made for it.  Vaguely Alec was aware of Magnus flexing his arms and doing some kind of body builder imitation, but he couldn’t keep his eyes away from the bulge.  And, when Magnus turned around, his perfect little ass.

“Alexander,” Magnus was saying.  “Alexander.”

“Yes?” Alec said dumbly.

“Would you like to touch it?”

Alec’s brain shorted out at that point.  He watched his hand lift up and out as Magnus backed up so one ass cheek met Alec’s hand, which grabbed.  _So tight_ , Alec thought, and had to push his other hand deeper between his legs. 

Magnus laughed and danced away behind the curtain.  “I’m going to go ahead and assume you like this one.  Let’s try another.”

When Magnus came out in the paisley boxer-briefs, Alec smiled.  “I like those.”

“Me too,” Magnus said, and then he walked over and pushed Alec’s hands to the side so he could sit sideways on Alec’s lap.  The sudden touching woke Alec up out of his stupor.  Magnus’s face was so close to his.  “You’re trying to suppress yourself again.”

“I don’t want to make a mess in a fitting room,” Alec said.

“I like how turned on you’re getting.  Perhaps… once we’re done here… we can go back to the hotel.  We can order room service and you can make a fine mess.”  Trailing one finger along Alec’s jaw, Magnus pressed their lips together.  Then he bounced up.

“You won’t last much longer at this.  One more outfit, and we can go,” Magnus sang.

Alec pushed his boner down and wished he could take a cold shower.

The final outfit was the most Magnus of them all.  A sheer, rose-tinted v-neck t-shirt and briefs covered in a darker rose flocked floral pattern.  Alec wanted to touch it, to trace his fingers along those flowers and the ridges of Magnus’s muscles, all the way down to the rose that covered his bulge.  The fabric was so sheer that Alec could see Magnus’s entire ass through it.  “Not the most practical underwear,” Alec said.

“I love it,” Magnus said.

Magnus took a step toward him, but Alec said, “Stop.”  Magnus froze.  “I can’t touch you right now.”

“You don’t like it?”

Alec looked deep into Magnus’s brown eyes.  “If I start touching you right now, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”

Long moments passed while they looked at each other across the small room.  Finally, with a dark smile, Magnus said, “Then let’s get out of here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you'd like to see the last outfit Magnus tries on:  
> <https://www.lhommeinvisible.com/boutique/en/t-shirts/1033-velours-mystique-t-shirt-bordeaux.html>


	33. Chapter 33

"First things first," Magnus said once they got back to the hotel.  "Take off all your clothes."

Alec had only just taken off his jacket and hung it in the closet.  "What?"

"You heard me."

A bit taken aback by the command in Magnus's voice, Alec began unbuttoning his shirt, despite his many questions.  "Weren't we going to have dinner first?" 

"You let me take care of that."

Alec stopped unbuttoning and watched Magnus dig through the shopping bags.    " _All_ of my clothes?"

"Yes."

"And then what?"

"Lie down on the bed."

"What?  What for?"

Magnus found the bag he was looking for – Alec noted the logo from the intimate apparel shop with a little flicker of pleasure – and straightened up.  "Darling, it would be unfortunate to ruin the surprise."

"So you just want me to get naked and lie down on these sheets that hundreds of other people have laid on?"

"You can lay on top of a robe if you'd prefer."  Magnus approached him and reached up.  He hesitated, as if waiting to see if Alec would flinch away or welcome his touch.  Alec wanted it.  He could feel his entire body straining toward it.  "Would you rather get dirty?"

"No," said Alec, understanding now.  Magnus wanted to do something on the list.  He scrambled to remember what was next on the list.  They had skipped the toy, and Alec hadn't packed it, obviously.  Magnus had said the scalp massage didn't count as a massage, so what was after that? 

Alec reddened as he remembered.

"Then get yourself undressed," here Magnus leaned in and gave him a soft little kiss on the lips, "and lay down on the bed," another kiss, "and then we shall have some dinner."  A third kiss, and then Magnus disappeared into the bathroom.

"Why do I have to be naked for that?" Alec grumbled, even as he finished unbuttoning his shirt and put it down beside his travel bag.  A few naughty puns about eating related to oral sex popped into his head and he shook it.  No, Magnus wouldn't do that to him.  Would he?

As he stepped out of his pants, the push of air on his skin made him shiver, but he wasn't cold.  In fact his face felt hot as if with fever.  His dick pushed at the fabric of his underwear already.  He knew that taking off his underwear would only make it worse _.  But Magnus said I had to…_

He sighed and took off his last remaining article of clothing, aside from his socks. 

He looked at the bed.  It hadn’t seemed so bad earlier – had he actually contemplated sleeping on it?  Now, the gold-colored comforter was clearly hiding some ominous stain that a white comforter couldn’t.  The sheets were white though.  Very white. 

On weak knees he approached the bed.   Magnus had said he could lie down on a robe.  The sheets, however, had less germ potential than the comforter.   Alec took the corner of the comforter between his thumb and forefinger and flung it off the bed. 

_There_.  Now there was a clean white place for him to lie down.  Except… Alec took the top sheet in the same manner and flung that back.  It had been touching the comforter.  That was better.  He didn’t know where he would sleep tonight, after he had dirtied these sheets, but that was something he could consider later.  He sat down, the fabric cool against his bare backside. 

Now that he was lying down, as requested, Alec realized how silly he looked, lying stiff as a corpse with just his socks on.  He could take his socks off now.  He carefully peeled them off and set them nearby, so he could put them back on instead of touching the carpet with his bare feet.  He lay back down. 

He was still lying there like a corpse.   He tried to arrange himself more casually, even though he felt himself grimacing at every contact.  Rolling over to one side, he propped his head up on his elbow.  That was better, although he very much disliked the feel of his own dick against his leg. 

The door to the bathroom opened, and Magnus emerged, fully clothed.  Alec's mouth dropped open, though he couldn't think how to address this inequality.

"You look so uncomfortable," said Magnus with a grin.  He jumped onto the bed – thank god he wasn't wearing shoes – and curled up facing Alec.  "Do you not like being naked, or do you not like being on a hotel bed?"

"Both," Alec said indignantly.

"Perhaps you can distract yourself with taking off my clothes?" Magnus batted his eyes.

"What about dinner?" Alec asked.

"We'll work up an appetite first.  Now – don't you want to take these clothes off and find out what I'm wearing underneath?"  Magnus touched the top button of his shirt, then, when Alec hesitated, he reached out and took Alec's hand.

Alec had to close his eyes and clench his fingers in his hair to try not to get too hard too fast.

Gently, Magnus guided Alec's hand to the buttons.  Alec could feel the button beneath his finger tip, but he hadn't opened his eyes.  "I think perhaps you will need both hands," Magnus said.  He stroked Alec's hand along the back of it.  Alec twisted his leg around, but since he wasn't sitting, he couldn't stop the blood from rushing into his groin.

"Come now, darling.  Undress me."

Magnus released his hand.  Alec's eyes fluttered open and he watched as Magnus settled in, flat on his back.  Magnus had closed his eyes, which made Alec a little less self-conscious. 

He pushed himself up to his knees, then edged a little closer to Magnus.  As he undid the first button, he realized it wouldn't take long to discover what Magnus had on underneath, if he had chosen either the leather outfit or the other one.  Alec had a moment where he thought either one would be great, but when he saw Magnus's skin tinted rose through a layer of fine mesh, Alec knew which he had hoped for, and it was this one.

It only took three buttons before there was enough of the undershirt showing that Alec could touch it.  His fingertips skimmed across the weave of the mesh, then hit the velvet flocking.  It was more sensation than he could bear, and he closed his eyes, caught his lower lip in his teeth, and moaned.  

He ran his fingers over that softness that covered up Magnus's hard pecs until Magnus shifted and murmured, "Let me help you."  Alec opened his eyes and looked down to see Magnus unbuttoning the rest of his shirt and pulling it open. 

Tracing around the floral pattern, Alec noted that Magnus's nipples poked up against the thin fabric.  This was doing something for him, too.  He moved his finger to trace over one of those nipples, felt the bump under the soft fabric.  He had to keep moving past it, or he was going to need to close his eyes again.  Never mind, he still needed to close his eyes.

He felt Magnus's hand circle his wrist and pull so that his entire palm touched down.  Alec pushed his free hand down onto the bed and gripped the sheet as he squeezed his eyes shut, clenched his muscles, his body still trying to stop the sensations from making him harder.  Magnus tried to make Alec's hand move over the fabric.  Alec couldn't quite lift his hand away. 

"I need to take off the rest of your clothes," Alec gasped through clenched teeth.  He gasped again when Magnus released him.  It took him a moment to get control of himself, to let go of the sheets, to open his eyes, where he was confronted with his own throbbing erection. 

Hands shaking, he tugged Magnus shirt out of his pants.  Magnus sat up and allowed him to take the shirt off completely.  He stared at the belt buckle until Magnus lay back down, covered in that lovely floral print, and waited for Alec.  "I don’t know if I can... if I can do that," Alec said.

"You don't think you can undo my belt?" Magnus asked.

"No.  Um.  Um," Alec said, still staring at the belt buckle.

Magnus lifted one hand and stroked Alec's thigh.  The unexpected touch had Alec curled into himself.  No matter how he hard he clenched everything, he couldn't stop it.  He couldn't stop the bead of precome on the tip of his cock.  "You can do this," Magnus said. 

Even as Alec was reaching out and unbuckling, he was stuttering, "Um, um, I can't... the list, I can't do the next thing.  I can't."

"Darling."  Magnus lifted his hips so Alec could slide his pants off, which gave Alec a full view of the bulge pushing at the delicate floral underpants.  Alec ripped the pants away and put his hand down right there, full palm, against the hot hardness of beneath the soft velvet.

"Oh," Alec exhaled.  His hand gripped the sheet again.  He was going to come.  "I'm going to come," he said, voice panicking.

"No you aren't," Magnus said.  "Lay down with me."

Alec moved to do so, and lifted his hand away, only to have it placed back down.  "Leave that there," Magnus whispered in his ear.  As Alec lay down, he felt more of his body come into contact with the velveteen pattern.  If it had been smooth, plain cotton, it would have had less effect, but the softness caressed him with every tiny moment, every inhale. 

Magnus moved Alec's hand up and down.  This time Alec complied, though every stroke made the ache inside of him want to erupt that much more.  He blinked and found himself staring into Magnus's deep brown eyes.

"I'm not ready for oral sex," Alec panted.

"That's okay, darling," Magnus said. He kissed Alec, just a little kiss, because Alec couldn't make himself do much more than breathe.  "We still have a few things to take care of on your list before that."

_A massage?_ Alec thought.  He could handle that.  The relief of not having to worry about Magnus trying to give him a blow job was so immense he didn't mind when Magnus pulled his hand away from that hot bulge and rolled Alec over so that Magnus was spooning him.  The sensation along his back was less intense.  He liked the unevenness of the flocked pattern, and the warmth of Magnus's hardness pressed into his ass. 

Magnus kissed Alec's shoulders.  He sighed, thankful for the cooldown.  The throbbing down there became a little duller, less immediate.  When Magnus started lightly running his hands down Alec’s side, his nerve endings fired up again.  Moaning, he pressed his face into the pillow – the pillowcase was clean, he told himself. 

He thought Magnus might stop those trailing fingers at his hip.  Or maybe curve down to give him a hand job.  That would be okay.  Instead, Magnus’s fingers moved back, to trace over his buttocks.  As those elegant fingers gently cupped his ass, Magnus asked softly, “Would you like to try the toy?”

Alec felt his body stiffen, and not in the good way.  “I didn’t bring it,” he said.

“You know I can get it if you’d like to try it.”

He didn’t respond for a few minutes.  He let himself feel Magnus’s hand on him, the soft way he touched that made Alec feel like he would never hurt him.  More so than not wanting Magnus to touch him, Alec realized that he didn’t want Magnus to get dirty from touching him. 

Maybe it wouldn’t even feel good.  Alec couldn’t imagine that it would.  If he let Magnus touch him with that toy, and he didn’t like it, Magnus wouldn’t make him use the toy again, he was sure of that.  Finally, Alec said, “Okay.” 

His voice didn’t actually seem to work, so he said it again, “Okay.”

“I am very happy that you trust me,” Magnus said, his mouth still near Alec’s neck.  For a brief moment, Magnus pulled Alec tight to him and pressed his lips to Alec’s shoulder. 

Now there was a little spark of colored light in the room, and something the shape of a finger but made of slightly flexible plastic, slid between his butt cheeks and touched him in the place he couldn’t even touch himself.  He shifted his hips as that object stroked him.  He was surprised that the toy wasn’t sticking to him as he had imagined the plastic would do.  “Does it have… lube?” he asked.

“Of course, darling.”  Magnus moved his hips as he worked the toy, and peppered Alec’s shoulders with kisses.  “Do you like this?”

“I don’t know,” Alec said.  It didn’t feel bad–

The toy began vibrating.

Alec’s ass cheeks clenched together in surprise, but that was not the best course of action, because the toy was still lodged there, right up against his asshole.  He let out a strangled sound as the vibrations lit up his whole body.

“Do you like _that_?” Magnus asked.

“Huh huh uh I don’t know!” Alec panted. He reached back.  He needed to stop it.  It was too much. 

Magnus swatted his hand away, and pushed his hip so he was face down on the bed.  Then Magnus lay on top of him.  “You need to relax,” Magnus said, and his hand moved, meaning the vibrations moved.  Alec’s one consolation was that his dick was pressed into the mattress now. 

“Turn it off for a little while,” Alec gasped.  He gasped again when Magnus complied.  But that didn’t mean Magnus stopped stroking him.  Somehow, his ass was spread wide, and Magnus seemed to have full access.  The toy traveled along his taint and touched his testicles, then moved back up to circle his asshole again.  It made several loops this way.  Gradually, Alec controlled his breathing.  This wasn’t so bad. 

A little snick sound and the vibrations came back on again.  Alec arched.  Placing one hand on the small of his back, Magnus kept him in place as the vibrating toy made the same loops, with much different effect.  Alec’s legs twisted around each other as he struggled not to feel it.  Not to make a mess – a lost cause, as the sheets beneath his belly were already damp. 

“You’re so tight,” Magnus said, circling around Alec’s asshole again.  And again.  Then he moved the toy directly against the hole.  “But I think you would open up for me.”

Alec’s entire body shook; he couldn’t clench his ass cheeks together because of how Magnus had them propped open.  “I don’t think I can,” he groaned. 

“You can,” Magnus said.

Pressure, vibrating pressure.  He couldn’t keep it out.  He couldn’t.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to. 

“Can we just – can we stop for a sec – second,” Alec said, even as the toy pushed its way in.

He couldn’t take it.  With a sharp groan, he felt himself come.  His brain stopped working for a moment, and when it turned on again, the vibrations were gone and he had Magnus lying down nearly on top of him.  He lifted his head and turned to face him.  “I’m sorry,” he said.

“That was wonderful,” Magnus told him.  “You went further than you thought you could.”

“You didn’t get it all the way in,” Alec mumbled.

“We’ll have plenty more chances to try.”  Magnus kissed his nose, and Alec sighed.  “After dinner.”


	34. Chapter 34

“I want to take a shower,” Alec mumbled into the pillow. 

“No one is stopping you.  Well, I am, but only because you need to make a decision about dinner before you get in there.  I’m hungry.” 

Alec turned his head slightly to look at the menu Magnus held out.  “It’s in French!” 

“Would you like me to read it to you?” Magnus smiled down at his post-coital boyfriend and couldn’t help himself: he started patting Alec’s hair.  “Hors d’ouevres.  Let’s see.  There’s a cheese plate… Hmmm, crudités?  I’m not sure if there’s an English translation for that word.  Oooh, caviar.  Do you like caviar?” 

Pushing himself up, which gave Magnus a splendid view of both Alec’s muscular arms and his lovely cock, Alec shook his head.  “Isn’t that fish eggs?” 

“Yes, and it’s delicious.  But if you’d prefer something else… How about pork rillettes?  That’s a sort of paté.  Damn, all these French words don’t have English translations.” 

“I know what paté is.  And sure.  Let’s go with that.  Just pick something for me.  I need to shower.  I feel so… so…” 

“Good?”  Based on the sour look on Alec’s face, Magnus knew that wasn’t the right word.  “I know, I know, you feel dirty.  But don’t you also feel a little bit good?” 

“I guess.”  Alec was sitting awkwardly and leaning off the bed.  Magnus watched him with a wrinkle in his forehead. 

“We accomplished another thing on your list, so that must feel good,” Magnus said.  Ah, Alec was putting on his socks.  Isn’t he just going to take those off in the shower?  “And… I  _hope_ … what we did together  _felt_  good, too?” 

“Yes,” said Alec in a tone that did not sound like what they had done felt good at all.  "Are you going to wash that thing?" 

Magnus knew he meant the toy.  "Of course.  I will thoroughly wash it with boiling water and soap." 

Alec nodded.  It wasn’t until Alec stood and walked around the bed that Magnus understood why he had put the socks on – he didn’t want his feet to get dirty.   

“But where am I going to sleep tonight?” Alec asked, gesturing to the bed.  Half the covers were on the floor which had been Alec’s own decision.  “The only clean part of the bed is dirty now.” 

“Not where I’m sitting,” Magnus said, unable to help himself.  “You can sleep on this side of the bed, with me.” 

Alec stared at the wet spot.  “I don’t know.” 

“I could magic this mess away.” 

“How would that work?  Would you steal someone else’s clean sheets and put this mess in their room?  That doesn’t seem right.” 

That  _had_  been what Magnus was thinking.  “Why don’t you take a shower, and I’ll take care of it?” 

Alec frowned, but turned his face from the bed.  “Okay.” 

Magnus quickly made a decision about the food – he was sure Alec would eat anything he ordered, since his stomach had been rumbling even before they started fooling around – and then faced off with the bed, hands on his hips.   

Finally, he stripped the sheets off the bed, put his clothes back on, and called for housekeeping.   

“Je suis désolé,” Magnus said when a housekeeper arrived.  He explained the problem and his solution, and she nodded and cleaned up the mess and was out of the room before Alec had emerged from the bathroom.   

Now he just had to wait for the food to arrive.  When it did, Magnus tapped on the bathroom door and called, "Dinner is here." 

"You're wearing your clothes again," Alec said, sounding so disappointed Magnus grinned.  Alec himself was wearing his robe and nothing underneath – another reason to smile. 

"I had to interact with the housekeeper and the bellboy who brought our meal, so yes.  I thought I should be wearing a bit...  _more_.  But these will be coming off soon." 

"How about now?" Alec asked, his tone flat.   

"I wouldn't want to make a mess," Magnus challenged.  

Alec sighed.  Magnus could see he was still tense.  He wished for those brief moments after Alec had climaxed when he had been relaxed.  Hopefully, Magnus would be able to get him there again before the end of the night.   

"Let's eat.  You must be famished."  At least, Magnus hoped that was why Alec was grumpy.   

The food had been brought in on a cart and the bellhop had whipped out a tablecloth and covered the little table in the room, lit candles, and laid out place settings.  Most of the trays with their domed lids remained on the cart to keep warm. 

Alec was staring at the bed. 

"It's clean," Magnus said.  "I told the maid you weren't feeling well and if we could have a protective cover put on the mattress.  So no mess." 

"Couldn't the maid tell it wasn't vomit?" Alec asked. 

The dispirited tone of Alec's voice was making Magnus wonder if there wasn't something else wrong.  "Darling, I do have magical abilities.  I didn't want to embarrass you.  I hope I haven't embarrassed you?" 

"I'm not embarrassed."  The flush on Alec's cheeks said otherwise.  "I guess... that's a good cover story." 

Finally it dawned on Magnus.  How could he have forgotten their fight earlier?  "I don't mean to treat you like a child.  I just want you to be happy and comfortable.  I want you to enjoy yourself." 

"I know," Alec whispered.  He blinked and lifted his head.  "And I want you to enjoy yourself, too.  Not just take care of me." 

Magnus didn't realize that Alec had reached out until his pinky finger felt the little nudge of Alec's hand.  Magnus smiled.  "I am enjoying myself quite a lot, actually.  Now sit down.  I'm starving."   

*** 

"I still don't understand why you still have all your clothes on," Alec said, leaning back in his chair.   

This time, his voice wasn't flat.  In fact, there was a twinkle in his eye as he took a long sip of wine – his third glass, Magnus noted. 

Magnus stood and said, "You know what?  I don't understand, either."  He quickly shed his clothing down to that last layer, then held out his hand.  Alec looked it for just a moment before setting down his glass and taking it.  He grinned when Magnus pulled him to his feet, and didn't pull away when Magnus whispered in his ear, "I want you to touch me until I can't control myself." 

"Oh, so you want me to do to you what you're always doing to me?" Alec asked. 

Maybe Alec was just drunk, but Magnus liked this playful side.  "It's only fair," he said.   

He pulled Alec onto the bed, where they half-fell onto the newly made covers.  Alec’s robe was slipping off already.  “Let me help you with that,” Magnus said as he tugged at the belt. 

“I’m supposed to be the one touching you!” Alec protested, clutching the strip of fabric.  “If I take the robe off we have to take off the duvet.” 

“No problem.”  Magnus crawled around on the bed, ripping the top covers away.  “Now get naked.” 

But Alec just flopped onto the sheets and rolled over to where Magnus knelt.  “No.” 

“No?” 

Lifting his hand, Alec brushed against the rose pink shorts.  It was only the outside of his hip, yet Magnus felt a little shiver run through him.  “No,” said Alec.  “Lay down.” 

Magnus did.  He curled up so their faces were only inches apart.  And while they were so close, Magnus couldn’t help but kiss those lips that had relaxed into a loose smile.  He had meant for it to be a short kiss.   

Ten minutes later, Magnus opened his eyes to look into Alec’s blue ones.  “I like you,” Magnus said. 

Alec laughed softly.  “I like you too.” 

“No, I mean I like like you.” 

Alec’s smile faded a little bit.  “What do you like about me?” he asked, looking at Magnus’s shoulder.  Before Magnus could answer, he had reached up to touch the fabric there, tracing along the soft lines of the pattern.   

“Well, I like your eyes,” Magnus said.  He stroked Alec’s cheek.  “I like your lips.  Your whole face, really.”  As Alec drew his fingers across his chest, Magnus continued, “You also have really good hair.” 

“What else?” Alec asked. 

Magnus closed his eyes so he could better feel the way Alec was running his hand up and down the center of his chest.  He wasn’t even aiming for any erogenous zone, and yet it felt so good.  Magnus could imagine how good the stimulation felt for Alec as well.   

“You’re tall.  Tall, dark and handsome.” 

“What else?” 

Up and down, up and down, those fingers lightly brushing.  If Magnus hadn’t had so many glasses of wine, he thought this might have made him equally as drunk.   

“I like the runes on your neck,” Magnus said.  He opened his eyes so he could see those runes as he spoke.  “You’re very classically handsome, you know, and the runes look like tattoos, which make you look dangerous.  Which you are.” 

A little wrinkle appeared in Alec’s forehead.  

“Which brings me to your very well-developed muscles.” 

That brought a smile to Alec’s face, leading Magnus to kiss him.  After that they didn’t kiss for a while, and simply gazed at each other, while Alec grew braver with his hands’ explorations.  Those long fingers grazed over Magnus’ nipple, and he closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. 

“And what else?” Alec whispered. 

“I like how serious you are.  No, seriously,” he said when Alec made a face.  “I am prone to being over the top and ridiculous.  I like to make a scene.  But you’re my opposite that way.  And you balance me out.” 

“I don’t think you’re ridiculous,” Alec said. 

Magnus smiled.  “See?  None of my ridiculousness phases you.  You want to do your best at your job.  You want to be a good parabatai and a good brother and a good son.  And a good boyfriend.  I love all that.” 

Alec caught his breath.  “Love?” 

“Yes,” Magnus said, because in this moment that was what he felt.  He placed his hand lightly over Alec’s, trapping it to his chest.  “I love how you touch me like I’m something new.” 

Swallowing, Alec looked up from his hand to study Magnus’s face.  When he didn’t say anything, Magnus decided that Alec wasn’t quite ready for the L-word just yet.  Not that Magnus had explicitly said “I love you.”  Nevertheless, he knew this was Alec’s first relationship and that Alec wouldn’t be so quick to know the feeling Magnus had learned to recognize of falling in love.  Of course, Magnus had told Alec as much months ago, only a few weeks into dating, that he thought he was falling in love.   

He had to be patient, and give Alec time.  Magnus lay back and closed his eyes, letting his hand fall away so that Alec could continue his explorations.  With any hope, by the end of this trip, he’d have Alec saying those three words to him.  For now, however, he asked, “What do  _you_  like about  _me_?” 

Alec hummed.  His hand moved down a little.  “I like your abs,” he said.   

Laughing, Magnus lifted his arms overhead.  He wanted to play with Alec's hair.  Alec sighed at Magnus's touch.  "Don't distract me," Alec warned. 

"I wouldn't dare.  I just wanted to make sure you could touch anywhere you wanted."  He angled his hips a bit so Alec would know what he meant.  "So... continue telling me how great I am." 

Alec traced over a large flower located over Magnus's chest.  "Well, I like your eyes too.  Especially when they get all gold." 

Magnus fluttered his eyes open.  "You like my warlock mark?" 

"I've never seen anyone with golden eyes before." Alec smiled down at the pattern he was tracing.  "And I like that I can tell when you're really turned on, because that's when they turn gold." 

It had always bothered him, how he couldn't hold the glamour that concealed his warlock mark when he was aroused.  He hadn't been aware that Alec had noticed.  He'd never mentioned it. 

"What color are they now?" Magnus asked.  

Alec looked at him.  "Still brown, but there's some gold.  I can see it through your glamour."  Biting his lower lip, Alec smiled and reached down.  Touched Magnus right there.  Not as Magnus had pushed Alec to touch him earlier, but softly.  Magnus felt himself respond.  "Now they're really gold," Alec said. 

He wanted to close his eyes again, to focus only on where Alec's hand went.  Yet this was the first person who hadn't looked at his warlock mark as some kind of stain or imperfection.  In four hundred years, was that possible?  Perhaps in previous relationships, they hadn't been able to see beyond the glamour as Alec could.  He was a Shadowhunter, and Shadowhunters had their own marks that would allow them to do that.  Etta had been human – she couldn't have seen.  Camille had been a vampire.  Perhaps she hadn't been able to see past it either.   

So Magnus kept his eyes open, if only to watch the little smile on Alec's face, the times when Alec's own eyes drifted shut to better feel his way.  And to wonder how it was that they had found each other. 


	35. Chapter 35

"Maybe you should get naked too," Alec said, his voice rising a bit.  

"I like this," Magnus insisted.  He had his arms entwined around Alec's neck and was breathing heavily into his ear while Alec worked his hand down below.

Alec didn't mind that Magnus was licking his ear and sucking on his neck.  He didn't mind that Magnus had wrapped one leg around his hip, pressing his body as close to Alec's as possibly while still allowing Alec the freedom of his arm.  And Alec liked the feel of Magnus's hardness through the fabric, with its patches of gauzy thinness and velvety pattern.  Alec had even experimented a little, letting his hand roam around back and in the zone where Magnus had touched him with the toy.

What Alec didn't want was another mess on the bed.  Or all over this lovely new underwear.  And he could sense that Magnus was getting close to creating one.

Alec, despite having already made a mess earlier, might just join him.  

He hadn't expected it to take so long to get Magnus close.  That first hand job had taken a while but not that long.  Their shared shower experience had taken even less time.  With each minute that passed, Alec knew Magnus could only be getting closer.  And now Alec was hard again.  

Of course, he was still naked under the robe, which he had kept on despite Magnus reaching around inside of it.  Maybe that made it worse - that Alec could feel covered up and protected only to be surprised by a touch there.  

“Maybe it would help you come faster if you take off your clothes,” Alec said.

“Maybe I don’t want to come faster,” Magnus said, and licked Alec’s neck, sending a shiver of feelings through him.  

“Why not?  Isn’t that the point?”

Magnus laughed.  “ _Darling_.  You have so much to learn.” He reached into Alec’s robe again, just to rest his hand on Alec’s hip.  “Are you growing bored with this?”

“Not really, I mean, I just thought you wouldn’t want to make a mess.”

“My Alexander.  Always thinking.”

The way Magnus said it made Alec wonder if this was a good thing or a bad thing.  Alec wished he could shut his brain off and just feel things the way Magnus did.  He closed his eyes and tried, but then he just felt even more horny and frustrated. 

“Tell me what you would like to do tomorrow,” Magnus said.  “We have no appointments, no plans, and we are in Paris.  Kiss my neck and tell me what you would like to see.”  Magnus lay his head back, his eyes closed and throat exposed.  

“Um, okay.”  Alec continued to stroke Magnus through his underwear while trying to decide where to plant his first kiss.  “Uh, I guess we should see the Eiffel Tower.”  He dipped his head and pressed his lips to the hollow at the base of Magnus’s throat.

“Darling, make love to me with your words,” Magnus said.

Alec tried to think, his heart beating faster.  He had never been good with words.  And now, being put on the spot, he couldn’t think of anything to do in Paris other than that.  Wasn’t there a famous art museum in Paris?  

It wasn’t like he had been given a lot of notice about this trip.  He didn’t have time to plan or look online for things he’d like to do.  He was told they would be going shopping and that was about it.  

He had never really thought about travel.  His family ran the Institute, which meant the only traveling they did was between New York and Idris.  He had always thought one day he would be running the Institute.  Maybe he could visit the London Institute, where his ancestors were from.  Paris had never entered his mind.

“We can walk around holding hands,” Alec said finally, deciding to go with things they could do since Alec wasn’t going to be called for a mission or to help Jace solve one of his many crises.  He kissed Magnus’s Adam’s apple.  “We can kiss each other.  In public.”

Magnus chuckled.  “Public displays of affection.  Tell me more.”

“We can go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.  The very top, where no one is.  You can magic us there, right?”

“Of course.”

“And we can get dressed up in our new clothes – I guess, once my suit is done being made, however long that takes – and go to the opera or something.  The theater.  Some kind of show.  And we can hold hands the whole night.”

With Alec’s growing excitement, he had begun stroking Magnus harder.  Now Magnus was panting in his ear.  “The whole night.  We can touch all night.”

“Yes,” Alec said.  “And in the middle of the show, I can lean over and kiss you like this.”  He placed a gentle one under Magnus’s ear.  “And like this.”  Same spot, but he used a little tongue.

“And when we return from the theater I’ll rip your tie off and throw you down on the bed,” Magnus said, clutching Alec to him.  “And then I’ll touch you everywhere, but you won’t come until I say so.”

Alec was glad to have his face pressed against Magnus’s neck and Magnus now gripping his wrist, controlling the rhythm.  Alec wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about what Magnus just said.  Part of him worried that this was something new, something that wasn’t covered by the list.  Another part of him (the part now pressed up against Magnus’s erection) apparently thought it sounded good.

Luckily, Magnus didn’t seem to need Alec to say anything further.  He was panting and gasping and finally Alec felt a wetness between their stomachs.  Alec sighed as Magnus relaxed beneath him.  

"Okay, time to shower," Alec said, sitting up.

Magnus reached up and ran his fingers through Alec's hair.  "Let's just lay here for a little while."

With another sigh, Alec lay back down.

"Oh, I didn't realize you hadn't come yet."  Those words were all the warning Alec had before Magnus had his hands on him.  

"It's okay!" Alec said, pushing Magnus's hands away.  "I'm good. I don't need to."

"There's already a mess," Magnus said.  He reached around back and grabbed Alec's ass, pulling their hips together.  Alec grimaced as his body again came into contact with wetness.  

Alec endured Magnus's groping, which didn't last long.  He felt disappointed in himself for some reason, and buried his face in the pillow.  Magnus's hands trailed up from under his robe to touch his hair again.  "Are you sure you're okay?  You're not just saying that because you need to take a shower?" Magnus asked.

"Yeah."  The word felt like it was choking him.  He tried to swallow, and finally looked up at Magnus.  "I just want to be clean.  And then lie here with you for a while before we go to sleep."

"That sounds lovely," Magnus whispered, and gave Alec a kiss.

***

Later, when they were clean, they lay together in the dark.  Magnus had on his usual sleeping attire – a pair of silk pajama pants with a wild print and no shirt, claiming he was saving his new underwear “for later.”  Alec had on a pair of thick sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt.  He wasn’t cold, but after everything they had done he needed the layers.  

Magnus had seemed to know that Alec needed some space, and he waited while Alec settled himself on the bed.  Alec didn’t know how the bed had been cleaned or made up with new sheets, and he didn’t ask.  He had to trust that Magnus was taking care of him.  Finally Alec reached out one arm so Magnus could crawl into that space.  Alec liked the weight of Magnus’s head on his shoulder, the warmth of that body pressed up against him.  He liked the way Magnus draped one arm around his middle with a glance up to make sure it was okay.  And the way Magnus was now content to lay there without exploring and stimulating.  Alec released a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I’m taking so long to get through the list,” Alec said into the darkness.  There was something about darkness that let him say how he felt.

“You’re not taking too long.  It’s a quite a long list.  And we had a list before this one to contend with first.”

“Yeah.  And I’m slow.”

“I told you I didn’t mind taking things slow with you, Alexander. Right at the beginning.”

Alec remembered, but that fact didn’t help.  

“I have lived a very long time.  Your idea of slow isn’t my idea of slow.  There’s no need to rush through any of this.”

"I just wish... I could give you what you need."

"I don't need anything more than what you can give me."  Magnus shifted his arm, and then Alec felt a hand turning his face.  In the dark, he could faintly see Magnus's eyes gleaming gold.  "I promise you."

"But you want more."

"So do you."

That was true.  "I guess I'm frustrated with myself."

"Alexander, you are a virgin in many senses of the word.  You have never been in a relationship.  Even if you didn't have mysophobia, you would struggle."

"I bet Jace didn't struggle," Alec muttered.

Magnus pulled back a little.  "You think Jace isn't still a virgin?"

"No way.  He dates lots of girls."

Magnus laughed.

"I'm serious!  All the girls love him."

"I can't believe you won't let yourself see beyond his carefully constructed façade."

Maybe Magnus had a point there.  He tried to recall if Jace had ever specifically mentioned having sex.  Alec had never asked, because he hadn't really wanted to know.  

And Alec had his own secrets he'd been keeping from Jace.

"I guess you're right."

"I  _know_  I'm right."


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! An update!

“I think we should go to Italy next,” Magnus said.

Over the past two days, they had seen everything there was to see in Paris and more.  In addition to the usual touristy spots like the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre and the Arch of Triumph, Magnus had taken Alec to several less touristy spots, telling stories about centuries past. 

Alec looked back at Magnus, who had just emerged from the bathroom wearing only his robe.  While Magnus had showered, Alec had been sitting on the balcony and texting a photo to Jace – one of Alec and Magnus together at the Eiffel Tower.  Magnus had worn a striped shirt and a beret so Jace would know they were really in Paris. 

"Italy?" Alec said, not sure what to think.  Magnus didn't _sound_ like he was joking.  Alec wasn't sure exactly how much time he could spend away from the Institute without it becoming an issue.  Of course, no one was going to call upon the Lightwoods after what had happened in Idris.  The real problem was that Alec was just beginning to feel more comfortable in Paris.  It wasn't his own room, or even Magnus's apartment, but he didn't lie awake thinking about germs.

"Of course.  Best food in Europe."

Alec winced.  He'd gotten more comfortable in Paris, but he still hadn't wanted to eat at a restaurant.  "I don't know..."

"Don't you like Italian food?" Magnus asked, finally coming to stand beside Alec on the balcony. 

"It can be messy."  Heat crept into his face.  "It's just.... it's still hard for me to eat in a restaurant."

"Perhaps we can focus on that instead of other things," Magnus said, touching Alec's hand.

Sucking in a breath, Alec had to close his eyes so he could focus on controlling his body's reaction.  They had spent half the day holding hands, and still he could feel his body surging at Magnus's fingertips.

"But I like the other things."  Alec opened his eyes and gave Magnus a pleading look. 

Magnus's lips held a soft smirk.  "But you also like to be in control."

"Yes," Alec sighed.

"Then, perhaps, tonight, I will let you do what you wish to me."  Magnus removed his hand, and with a casual roll of his shoulders, he shrugged off the robe and stood naked in the moonlight.

Alec found that he couldn't breathe.

After his eyes had traveled down the length of Magnus's body, they had returned to hold Magnus's gaze.  Still, he could not speak, because he hadn't taken a breath.  When he finally did breathe, all he could say was, "I could stare at you all night."

"If that is all you wish to do..." Magnus moved into the hotel room, and Alec had to force himself to breathe as he took in the rear view. 

Alec hesitated as Magnus flung down the covers and sprawled on the bed, leaving nothing to Alec’s imagination.  On the one hand, Alec was tired, and he hadn’t changed out of his clothes yet.  On the other hand, he didn’t want to dirty the sweatpants he was going to wear to bed.  He also didn’t want to be naked, even though Magnus was.  His jaw muscle tightened. 

Well, Magnus did say Alec could do whatever he wanted.

He took off his shoes and climbed into bed fully clothed.  Pulling the covers up, he rolled onto his side and looked at Magnus.  Magnus raised his eyebrows, since he was lying on top of the covers.  “You’re my boyfriend,” Alec said.

Magnus laughed.  “Yes.” 

The word still felt strange on Alec’s lips.  Boyfriend.  He could hardly believe any of this was happening.  He was in Paris, with his boyfriend.  He was also an adult.  An adult person on a romantic trip with his boyfriend.  He hadn’t never thought much about his future, in that way.  A future where he was the head of the Institute, where he was a Shadowhunter taking on increasingly difficult missions, he had imagined that sort of thing.  But he’d never thought about marriage.  Of course, he’d been in love with Jace, and as parabatai they would never have been allowed to marry. 

He supposed the idea of marriage had crossed his mind before, but more in terms of a partnership.  He would marry some Shadowhunter girl, because that was Shadowhunters did, so that they could make Shadowhunter babies and keep the bloodlines going.

“It’s such a young word,” Magnus said.  Alec realized he hadn’t said anything else for a few minutes.  “I prefer the term ‘lovers,’ but perhaps I’m old-fashioned.”

“But we haven’t had sex yet,” Alec protested stupidly.

“Darling…” Magnus reached a hand over and touched their fingers together.  Deep under the blanket, Alec stirred.  “Love is more than just sex.”

“What about marriage?” Alec asked.

Magnus blinked.  “What about it?”

Realizing that his question didn’t make much sense, Alec tried to order his thoughts and explain.  “I mean, uh, I was just thinking about the future.  Our future.”

“You imagine a future with me?” Magnus said, smiling.  He rolled toward Alec, and Alec watched him reach down and start stroking himself. 

“Um, I was trying to imagine it.  You know,” Alec gripped the covers at his chest.  “Getting married.  I never really thought about getting married before, I guess because my parents aren’t really in love, marriage was more of a duty for them, so that’s how I always thought of it.  That I’d get married and be like them.”

Thankfully, Magnus stopped touching himself and drew his hands up to his chest, leaning closer to Alec.  “You imagined marrying a woman.”

“Yeah,” Alec said, relieved that Magnus understood.  “But now…”

Magnus smirked.  “Now?”

Of course Alec imagined marrying Magnus.  But could he, without giving up his standing as a Shadowhunter?  The implications suddenly overwhelmed him, and he felt his own smile fade.  He took a deep breath.  “Have you ever been married?” Alec asked.

A flicker of something crossed Magnus’s face.  “No.”

“Have you ever… wanted to?  Get married?”

“No,” Magnus said. 

It was not the answer Alec was expecting.  Magnus had said he’d had seventeen serious relationships - sixteen more than Alec had ever had – and he couldn’t imagine seventeen boyfriends who he had never wanted to marry.  And maybe Magnus had never considered marrying _Alec_. 

Of course he wouldn’t have considered that.  Magnus was a warlock, he wouldn’t have even considering marriage to a Shadowhunter as an option, much as Alec hadn’t.  And Magnus was immortal, so why would he want to marry someone who would only grow old and die?  Magnus certainly wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who looked like a grandfather.  Of course Magnus would leave Alec then.

Alec swallowed, and felt own brow furrow a bit, trying to bite back on his disappointment in Magnus’s answer.  He tried to verbalize what he meant.

“I guess… I always imagined having kids.” 

“I may be magical, but even I can’t provide you with children,” Magnus said.

“I mean…” Alec didn’t know what he meant.  He had imagined having children, Shadowhunter children, who he would raise to become strong fighters.  Mostly he had imagined treating his children with more warmth than his own parents.  Being the father he’d never had.  He hadn’t actually considered where those children would come from.  “I don’t know.  I guess it’s stupid to think about.”

Magnus closed his eyes and shook his head slightly before opening them again, and looking at Alec intensely.  “It isn’t stupid.”  His voice was both soft and fierce at the same time.  “You have been raised to have certain expectations.  And perhaps you want different futures than I can provide.”  Magnus nodded again.  “But part of a relationship is sharing and communicating what you want, and seeing what can be compromised and what cannot.”

Alec’s chest burned with all the questions he wanted to ask.  Would Magnus ever consider getting married?  Was it too soon in their relationship to even think of such a thing?  He had no idea how long most people dated before they decided to get engaged.  A year?  That seemed about right.  He and Magnus had only been dating for a few months… But if Magnus wouldn’t even consider getting married, did Alec still want to pursue a relationship with him? 

And what if Magnus would consider getting married to Alec, but the Clave disapproved?  Could Alec live with that kind of disappointment?  Could he handle the possibility of his parents disapproving of the marriage, how they might cut him out of their lives?

As for having children… Alec had always imagined being a father.  Despite his fear of germs, he had pictured holding grimy babies and playing with toddlers in the dirt.  Magnus was right about one thing, however – together, they could not have children.  Would Magnus be willing to adopt a child?

Instead of asking any of those questions, Alec shifted closer and kissed Magnus lightly.  Alec had nearly forgotten Magnus’s promise, so when Magnus did not touch Alec in response, he wondered if Magnus was angry at him.  He drew back, wanting to ask if they were okay, but then Magnus uncurled himself, offering himself up, and Alec kissed him again, more deeply. 

This time, when Alec drew back, he whispered, “Let’s go to Italy.”


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little bit of dub-con/coercion in this chapter.

Alec’s fists were clenched so tightly he could feel his nails piercing the heels of his hands.  His shirt, a freshly pressed black button-down, clung to his damp armpits, and he could feel trickles of sweat rolling down under the collar. 

"Breathe, Alexander."

Shaking his head slightly, Alec squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out the clamor of lively conversation and the sharp scent of garlic and tomato sauce.  He could not eat the plate of pasta before him.  And he was starving.

“The food will not make you sick,” Magnus continued, his voice so annoyingly calm that Alec bit back a scream.  “Coming into contact with some germs is perfect healthy and normal.  You can at least sit here and breathe and not eat, without looking like you are undergoing torture at the hands of the Silent Brothers.”

“Shut up,” Alec seethed through his teeth.  He glared across the table at Magnus, who calmly smoothed the napkin on his lap and twirled linguine around his fork. 

Blessedly, Magnus did remain silent, and Alec immediately felt awful for having been so rude.  He glanced back over at the kitchen of the ristorante, where he could see cooks kneading pasta and bread dough with their bare hands, wiping their brows, and going back to their tasks without washing. 

Looking back down at his plate of contaminated food, Alec was finally able to say, “I know you thought being able to see the kitchen would help, but even you must admit that conditions in that kitchen are less than sanitary.”

“This is some of the best pasta I have ever eaten,” Magnus said. 

Alec wanted to scream.  Instead he managed, in a barely controlled voice, “Are you even listening to me?”

“Was it better to eat not knowing what the kitchen conditions were?  You don’t know how sanitary the kitchen was in Paris.”

“That is not making me feel better.”

“Think about it, Alexander,” Magnus said, putting down his fork and finally looking at Alec with that forceful gaze.  “You have eaten food that has been prepared in unknown conditions many times, and nothing has happened to you."

"I know It's illogical."  Magnus's face blurred as tears of frustration filled Alec's eyes.  He swiped the back of his hand across his face.  "I know nothing will happen.  I just can't—I can't.  They're using their _bare hands_ back there."

He took in a breath that caught in his throat.  He tried again, and felt the panic rising.

"Breathe, Alexander."  Through everything pressing down on him, he heard Magnus's soft voice beside him.  "Just breathe.  Come, we will go outside and get some air."

Faintly Alec heard Magnus speaking to someone who he guessed was the waiter, but he had to focus on getting his legs beneath him and trying not to touch the table and then moving with just the barest pressure of Magnus's hand on his elbow. 

He dragged in a long breath when the cool night air hit his face.  Another breath, and another, until everything stopped swimming and he could see clearly. 

With the relief, however, came the crushing disappointment.  He sagged against Magnus’s arm.  Magnus drew him in.

“Why can’t I do this?” Alec said, voice hoarse.  “Why can’t it just _stop_?”

As they began walking back towards their hotel, Alec thought it might be better that Magnus did not reply.  What could be said that he hadn’t already said a hundred times?  _You’re making progress.  Look, you allow me to touch you.  You couldn’t have done that before.  It’s just a relapse.  I pushed you too hard again._

None of it would make him feel better.

Alec’s anxiety wanted to convince him that Magnus was upset with him for cutting their dinner short.  Perhaps Magnus had grown tired of the panic attacks.  And yet Magnus held him so tightly…

The restaurant had been a short walk from the hotel, just around the corner.  Before Alec knew it, they were walking through the door to their room.  Alec had never imagined he would feel relief upon entering a hotel room, but after Paris, he had come to realize that the room was the only place he could feel somewhat clean.  He slipped off the leather shoes Magnus had bought for him in Paris.

“Take off your clothes,” Magnus told him.

Though Alec immediately began unbuttoning his shirt – mostly because he was used to stripping down when he entered his own room – it took a few seconds for him to question why Magnus was ordering him to do so.

“Why?” he asked as he peeled off his shirt _.  Disgusting.  Needs to be burned._

“No questions.  Take it all off.”

“But—”

“No.”  Magnus was watching him from near the bed, arms crossed, and his tone was firm. 

Alec’s hands hesitated over his belt buckle.  He wanted to strip off all these sweaty, germy clothes.  So why was he hesitating?

Seeing Alec’s hesitation, Magnus stepped forward.  “You have difficulty giving up control. So I'm going to take control for you."  His eyes flicked down to Alec's belt then back up.  "Now take off your pants."

His low tone did something to Alec.  Magnus was serious.  Alec wasn't sure if Magnus was actually angry at him, but his body seemed to think otherwise, cock stirring while his knees barely held his weight.

With shaking hands, Alec fumbled around until he had undone his belt.  He looked up at Magnus.  Magnus wouldn't do anything Alec didn't want to do, right?

Magnus nodded to indicate that Alec should continue.

Heart thudding, Alec unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down along with his underwear.  Another glance to Magnus for approval, and he took them off entirely, so that he stood there in just his socks.

"These too?" Alec asked, gesturing to his feet.

"You can leave those on," Magnus said.

Then Magnus dropped to his knees in front of Alec, wrapping his strong arms around the back of Alec's legs.  The suddenness of it meant that Alec's quaking knees nearly gave way.  Only Magnus was holding him up, and Alec's hands on Magnus's shoulders.  His bare hands. 

Magnus looked up at him.  His eyes were dark in the dim lighting of hotel room's small foyer.  "I am going to suck your cock," Magnus said.  His lips looked so very soft.

All Alec could say was, "Oh god."

"You can tell me no.  You can push me away.  But I fear that if I let you go, you will fall naked to the floor of this hotel room, where so many people have walked..."  Magnus smiled at him, still with that dark look in his eyes.   He was so close to Alec’s erection that the whisper of his breath served to make Alec even harder.  "If you say no, I will understand."

Glancing at the floor, Alec imagined all the germs there.  He thought about that disgusting carpet and dug his fingers into Magnus's shoulders.  Then he turned his gaze to the swelling between his legs, and finally back to Magnus's wet lips. 

Any part of that floor touching his bare body would be a nightmare.  And Alec had always thought that having someone's mouth on him would be just as bad.  Magnus had already put his mouth on Alec, however, and that hadn't been so bad.  He'd even had his tongue inside Alec's mouth, which was far more invasive than what he was suggesting now.

The only problem was Alec ejaculating into Magnus's mouth.  And how Alec would then feel about Magnus's mouth.  

_I can tell him to stop when it’s time_ , Alec thought frantically.  _Then it will be okay.  Everything will be fine._

Somewhere in the back of his head, he knew that his dick was doing the thinking.  Especially since he was so hard it almost hurt, and pre-come had begun to drip.

"I am going to suck your cock," Magnus said again.

Still shaking, Alec nodded quickly, before he could change his mind.

He barely heard the groan emit from his own mouth as a hot wetness enclosed that most sensitive part of him.  He felt his legs nearly give way, and he clung to Magnus.  But Magnus's hands reached up and firmly took hold of Alec's ass, holding him upright. 

All Alec had to compare this feeling to was his own hand, and he had never imagined anything could feel this good.  Magnus’s tongue slid all the way down, and back up again.  Over and over, sucking at him, igniting every nerve ending.  _Was this was sex felt like?_  

“I’m going to fall down,” Alec gasped, as Magnus eased off and flicked the tip with his tongue. 

Magnus kept his lips – yes, so soft – pressed against Alec’s cock while he asked, “Do you want me to stop?”

Alec could only moan, because he could feel the orgasm beginning to shudder through his body.  He couldn’t think, or speak words, or hold himself up.  His knees had buckled, and now rested in Magnus’s lap.  He tried to stutter out a warning, to tell Magnus not to swallow.  Instead, Magnus took him into his mouth again.  All the way.  He could feel the tightness of Magnus’s throat and he came.  He couldn’t stop it.  He came, feeling his eyes well up and overflow.

When it was over, he released his grip on Magnus’s shoulders.  His body sagged onto Magnus’s lap, bringing their faces closer together. 

Alec couldn’t look at Magnus.  He knew that if Magnus tried to kiss him right now he would recoil.  Ducking his head, he wiped at the wetness on his cheeks.

“Did that feel good?” Magnus asked, in a voice as soft as a feather.

“Yes.”  He sniffed back the snot in his nose.  He felt like a child, and desperately wanted not to.  “I’ve never felt anything like that.”

“Do you mind if…” 

Ducking his head, Alec hoped Magnus wasn’t going to ask him to return the favor.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to do it.  Not now.  Maybe not ever.

“Do you mind if we stay like this, until you’re able to stand up?” Magnus asked.

Because Alec was kneeling on Magnus’s lap, and he was slightly taller than Magnus, he found himself looking down into those deep brown eyes. 

“Or I could carry you over to the bed, if you would like.”

If only Alec could allow himself to kiss Magnus right now.  If only the thought did not make him want to shudder.  He swallowed.  “I thought you wanted to be in control,” he said.

Magnus shifted his hands under Alec’s ass.  “Are you saying you have no preference?”

Alec shook his head.

Suddenly he was rising into the air.  He couldn’t help but give a surprised laugh as Magnus carried him over to the bed and set him down.  The firm mattress received his spent body. 

Though Magnus looked at him with a small smile and those beautiful eyes, Magnus rose up by Alec’s side and let one of his hands brush back Alec’s hair.  Then he went into the bathroom without another word.


End file.
